


While You Were Sleeping

by Piper_Emerald



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana and Connor are friends, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Connor can sing, F/F, Galaxy Gals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slow Build, Tree Bros, basically only using the idea, parallels to the original, strays a lot from the movie, which is kinda a reveal but its so obvious so I'm just gonna tag it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-11-19 06:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald
Summary: Evan didn’t want the girl of his dreams to fall into a coma. He didn’t mean for her family to mistakenly believe he was her fiancé. And he certainly didn’t intend to fall in love with her brother in the process of trying to make things right.Based the movie of the same title





	1. Chapter 1

Evan was bored. That didn’t seem like a good enough reason to complain, but he’d been bored for the past seven months and it was close to driving him insane. He'd had a feeling this would happen, but had hoped that he’d be able to get himself through the dullness without lapsing into it. 

Last semester he’d earned his undergraduate degree and decided that he was going to take a break. Technically it wasn’t a break, it was just more work. He wanted to earn money so he could help his mother pay for his last few years of school. If he could begin to support himself, maybe it would ease the incredible amount of guilt on his shoulders. 

Working a boring desk job seemed like a good enough idea. It didn’t take much brain power and kept him in the same boring place. For someone who was scared to move forward, it provided the perfect eventless solution. 

His thoughts were echoed when his phone buzzed with a text from Jared. His “family friend” usually texted him to complain about having nothing to do. Evan didn’t really mind that much. Jared was the one thing that hadn’t changed since high school. Instead of being frustrated, he found the consistency comforting.

Through college Evan sort of had friends, but they weren’t close enough to keep in touch after. So now all Evan had was Jared and his mother, who lived a state away but still called Evan every other day. She still worried as much as she did when she was witnessing Evan’s anxiety. Evan was trying to be less of a burden. He wasn’t doing a very good job of it.

He was pathetic, but at least he could admit that much. There were plenty of people working in his office who didn’t have any idea how sad their lives were. 

“Hey, you wouldn’t happen to still have that report you showed me yesterday?”

Evan’s train of thought was broken by the only person that made his job somewhat bearable. 

“Yes,” he stammered. “Yeah, I have it.”

Zoe Murphy started working at the office only a few days after Evan did. Since they were both the youngest and newest, she had a tendency to go to him whenever she needed help with something. At one point she explained that she was too competitive to show weakness in front of other people. Evan didn’t count, of course. He had too much of a trust worthy energy for her to be afraid of his judgment.

That was about when Evan realized he wanted to marry this girl. 

“Great,” Zoe leaned against his desk. “Sorry, but could I see it one more time? I feel like my formatting is all off.”

“Sure,” he pulled the papers out of his top drawer and handed it to her. “Do you want me to look at yours? I could help with the formatting if you want.”

“That would be amazing,” she beamed at him. “But I don’t want to distract you.”

“I could use a distraction,” he admitted shyly.

“Thanks, Evan. I don’t know what I’d do with out you.”

Evan was very bad at talking to her. They’d known each other for months, but the furthest he’d gotten in conversations not pertaining to work was telling her not to eat at the pizza place a block away because they charged too much. Still, it was nice whenever she asked for something. She had a tendency to linger at his desk when she did. Evan knew it was just her procrastinating her own work, but he liked to hope that she might also enjoy his company. 

She sighed, her eyes scanning the papers Evan gave her.  

“Long day?” Evan wondered.

“Everyday’s long,” she shrugged.

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

“We’ll get out of here eventually,” she said wistfully. 

She liked to remind him of that. It was her way of reassuring herself. Evan knew Zoe lived alone, but never had the courage to ask why that was. He always imagined someone like her would be surrounded in friends. 

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Let’s run away to another country,” she declared. 

“Yeah, as soon as I win the lottery,” he joked.

“You’re smart,” she told him. “You’ll figure something out.”

“Zoe, maybe you should go home, you don’t look so good,” he said before he could stop himself. 

“Thanks,” she muttered.

“Sorry, I mean you look tired,” he tried to correct. “Sorry! That’s worse isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. “But you apologize too much.”

“Sorry.”

“There we go again,” she laughed. “How was your weekend?.”

“Boring,” he stated.

“Ditto,” she smiled sadly. “This seemed like such a good idea seven months ago.”

“I think it’s a trap,” he blurted.

“Well, they got me,” she muttered. “You and me both.”

“Yeah,” he glanced at a folder under her arm. “Is that your report?”

“Yeah, here,” she handed it to him.

His eyes skimmed the first page. It was clear she didn’t want to write it. Her language was lazy, but not bad. He had always thought she’d be a good writer if she actually cared about what she was writing.

“Your formatting is fine,” he told her.

“Thanks,” she smiled.

“You might wanna check for spelling errors next time, though,” he added.

“I’ll get my computer to read it to me,” she decided. “Lazy way out.”

“You doing anything after work?” He had no idea how the question made it out of his lips, but he regretted it as soon as it was blurted. 

This was not how he was going to ask Zoe out. Actually, he wasn’t going to ask her out at all. There was no way he’d be able to handle her rejection. 

“Nope,” she answered. “Why?”

“No reason,” he said very unconvincingly. “Here.”

“Thanks, Evan.” She took the report back and made her way back to her desk. 

Evan sighed. There was no way he’d ever be able to convince someone like her to give someone like him a chance.

* * *

Evan ran into Zoe again at the end of the day. He usually waited until most of the others had gone before taking the elevator down. He hated elevators, but he had to walk to his apartment and didn’t need to get himself more tired by taking the stairs. Usually he was able to ignore the fear of the metal box getting stuck or falling if there were only one or two people with him. Any more than that made him feel like he was going to throw up.

“Hey,” Zoe smiled at him.

“Hi.”

“I am so ready to be home,” she sighed, then paused. “I say that everyday, don’t I?”

“Kinda,” he sheepishly confirmed. 

“Dear god,” she groaned. “I’m one of those people.”

“You’re not,” he said quickly.

_You’re amazing._

Yeah, there was no way he’d ever be able to ask her out. That didn’t make the inescapable feeling that she was the one any less strong. Jared thought Evan was being ridiculous, but Jared was always better at this sort of thing. Speaking of Jared, Evan had completely ignored his text earlier. He should be getting spammed in revenge by now.

“Shoot, I forgot my phone at my desk,” he realized.

“How do you forget your phone?” Zoe laughed.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged, quickly stepping past the elevator doors and speed walking back to the office.

“Hey, you want me to hold the elevator?” she called after him.

“No,” he called back. “Thats okay.”

“Suit yourself.”

A few minutes later he rode the elevator down alone, and made his way out into the dim street. It was getting dark early. He hated the walk home when it wasn’t bright out, but walking was still better than bus or subway. He was about to put headphones on (they helped him ignore the little things that had the power to make him nervous) when he heard a shout coming from the left of the building. 

He knew that the safe thing would probably be to run in the opposite direction, but he was fairly certain that he recognized the voice as Zoe’s. That kicked something inside of him, and the next thing he knew if was running toward the screaming. 

He registered a man pulling Zoe’s bag. Not slowing down to figure out a plan, Evan hurled himself at the stranger, managing to knock him away from Zoe.  The small victory only lasted a split second, because before Evan could pull himself up his head was being smashed into the sidewalk.

Everything was blurry. He tried to get up, but he couldn’t move. Zoe was screaming again. The stranger threw her backwards. Evan heard her head hit the concrete wall of the building in front of them. Then she was on the ground and the man was running away.

Evan’s vision tempted to fade to black. He could hear his heart pounding, he could feel it in his head. He wanted to give into the blackness.

Slowly, he pulled his phone from his jacket pocket. Moving his hand felt like pushing through cement. He was barely able to dial 911 before passing out.

* * *

There were voices and lights, but they didn’t want to be clear. All he knew was that his head hurt. 

The voices said something that sounded like his name—no, no, it was only once voice now. It was talking to him. It was a woman’s voice. It wasn’t Zoe’s.

_Oh God, Zoe!_

Evan forced his eyes to focus. He tried to get up but the world was still spinning.

“Evan, you need to lay down for now.”

The voice was a nurse. She looked concerned. Evan was in the hospital. That meant that an ambulance came. Everything was alright, wasn’t it?

“You need to rest a little more,” the nurse told him.

“Is Zoe okay?” Evan heard his own voice ask. It sounded distant.

“Yes, she’s fine,” the nurse said. “Thanks to you.”

Evan remembered hearing her head hit the wall. It didn’t sound good. It sounded so much worse than his. 

“I was going to marry her,” he murmurs to himself. 

If he wanted to ask her out, this was probably the best moment. That just showed how sad his chances are. 

Slowly his mind faded back into the darkness. He’d worry about asking Zoe out when his head hurt a little less.

* * *

The next time Evan woke up he felt more coherent. The headache was almost gone, and it was easier to focus. A different nurse explained medical terms that always made more sense when they came from his mother. Evan nodded through most of it and stopped trying to understand when he realized that the gist of what she was saying was that he should be fine and only needed to come back to the hospital if his head started hurting the next day. 

He was about to leave, but then the nurse he was talking to before was rushing him to a different room. He tried to ask what was going on, but lost his ability to speak when he found himself in front of a different hospital bed. Zoe was laying there. Her eyes were closed, there were monitors around her. Something was wrong.

“I,” he heard himself murmur. “I thought she was okay.”

The nurse was talking, but the only word Evan was able to discern was “coma.” Evan felt the world crash around him.

He wanted to be mad that the nurse said Zoe was fine when she clearly wasn’t. In what twisted form of reality does coma translate to fine? The anger didn’t stick. Instead it numbed into sadness. Zoe didn’t deserve this. Zoe was probably the least deserving person of this that Evan knows. She was young, smart, and sweet. It wasn’t not fair.

Guilt twists in his stomach. This is is fault. If he hadn’t forgotten his phone then he would have been there when she was attacked. He would have been able to do something more than get thrown into the sidewalk. 

He was so useless. He could have saved her, but all he did was get knocked out.

The nurse and his turmoil suddenly were interrupted by the door swinging open. 

Three very worried people flew into the room, pushing past Evan and the slightly disgruntled nurse. Evan took in the faces of a middle aged could who had to be Zoe’s parents. Evan had assumed they lived out of town, but maybe Zoe just didn’t like to talk about them. They did look like her.

The woman—Zoe’s mother, burst into tears upon seeing Zoe. Evan could imagine his mother doing the same, were he in that bed. He realized how lucky he was to never see her this heart broken. Zoe’s father stood behind her. He wasn’t crying, but his eyes held so much emotion.

The parents didn’t comfort each other. They seemed alone in their shock and horror. Evan didn’t understand that. If he were one of them, he’d reach to the other for comfort, not isolate himself. 

Next to them, was a girl with dark hair and glasses. She looked slightly familiar, but Evan couldn’t place her. Her expression seemed numb. It was like she meant to be crying, but her eyes forgot how to form tears. Evan watched her close them, take a breath. 

Then she turned away from the bed, her gaze falling on him. 

“Who are you?” she asked. The voice was definitely familiar, but Evan didn’t have time to think about that. 

He shouldn’t be here. He should try to talk, not to these people who actually loved Zoe.

“I,” the words tried to choke him. “I’m not— I’m sorry, this is my fault, I’m sorry.”

“This young man saved your daughter’s life,” the nurse stated.

No. He didn’t. He tried to, but he failed. 

“I,” he was able to get out. “I was too late—”

“Are you okay?” the girl stepped forward. Evan couldn’t breath. She could tell. “Hey, maybe you should go outside for a second.”

“I should just go,” he sputtered. “I don’t belong here, I—”

“Of course you do! You’re her fiancé,” the nurse exclaimed.

Evan thought he miss heard. Actually, he thought that he had died when he hit his head and this was some twisted combination of hell and heaven. 

“What?” he heard his voice whisper, but the others didn’t notice. 

“Oh my god!” she girl gaped.

“Zoe didn’t tell us she was engaged,” the mother was talking to the father. 

“Zoe hasn’t told us anything recently,” he sounded like he was talking more to himself than responding to her.

“I,” Evan tried. “I’m not—”

“And you saved her,” the girl smiled at him.

“Wait,” Evan uttered. “It’s not—”

The door opened again to reveal another nurse. 

“I’m sorry,” he looked around the room. “Only family should be permitted right now.”

He was referring to Evan and the girl. 

“They _are_ family,” the father said in a voice that Evan doubted anyone would argue with. 

Too much was happening at once. Evan needed to tell them he wasn’t Zoe’s fiancé, but the words wouldn’t leave his throat. It was still hard the breath. The girl was holding his arm. He wasn’t sure when that started, but the touch seemed to be the only thing sort of grounding him. 

“He called the ambulance before passing out next to her,” the nurse was telling Zoe’s mother.

“I’m so glad you were there,” the woman turned to Evan with tears in her eyes. “When she left I thought she was alone.”

The next thing he knew both her and the girl were hugging him, and he still couldn’t talk. He was stuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to stray a lot from the movie, partly because the characters would make different choices, and partly because what's the point in me writing a whole novel length fic of a story we already know? 
> 
> Thanks for reading the first chapter! Comments make me happy


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She’s had a lot of guy trouble in the past,” Alana continued. “And then there was that whole finding herself thing. Everyone thought that she was sitting alone and depressed.”
> 
> That wasn’t far from the truth. Evan had watched boredom drill into Zoe over the past few months. She liked to say it was the job, but Evan was starting to think it was something else. He couldn’t tell Alana that her comatose friend thought that she was throwing her life away. Not now that Alana was actually smiling. Still, that didn’t mean that he could just continue going along with a lie.
> 
> “I don’t—”
> 
> “But it wasn’t that at all, was it?” Alana looked at him.

“You really don’t have to, it’s probably out of your way.” Evan could tell he was babbling.

He hadn’t been able to talk until he was being dragged into the lobby by the girl. He learned her name was Alana. She explained to him that it was probably better to give the Murphy’s some time alone. He hadn’t been able to argue. Once they made it out of the hospital, she insisted that she was going to walk him home.

“You looked like you were gonna pass out,” she reminded him.

“I’m fine,” he lied. 

“You still look like you’re going to pass out,” she stated. 

“Oh.”

He followed her out of the hospital. It was late, he didn’t bother checking what time it was on his phone. Luckily, his building wasn’t too far from here. As he was walking, he realized that maybe this was his best chance to tell someone there was a mix up and get out. 

“I think the Murphy’s will feel better to,” Alana added. “Knowing that you got back to your apartment safe.”

“I guess,” he figured it was best to agree with her. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem,” she smiled at him. “Evan Hansen, right?”

“Yeah,” he nodded slowly. He hand’t told her his last name.

“We went to the same high school,” she explained. “Alana Beck.”

“Right!” That’s how he knew her. “I thought you looked familiar.”

“You remember me?” She looked surprised. 

He did. There were only a few people from high school who stayed in his memory, but now that her name was said Evan did remember this girl. 

“Of course, you’re one of the two people who ever talked to me,” he said out loud. “I’m surprised you remember me, I kinda blurred into the background all the time.”

“You were nice,” Alana told him. “You’re still nice.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m glad Zoe has you,” she added.

He might as well get this over with. 

“About that,” he started. 

“She’s had a lot of guy trouble in the past,” Alana continued. “And then there was that whole finding herself thing. Everyone thought that she was sitting alone and depressed.”

That wasn’t far from the truth. Evan had watched boredom drill into Zoe over the past few months. She liked to say it was the job, but Evan was starting to think it was something else. He couldn’t tell Alana that her comatose friend thought that she was throwing her life away. Not now that Alana was actually smiling. Still, that didn’t mean that he could just continue going along with a lie.

“I don’t—”

“But it wasn’t that at all, was it?” Alana looked at him.

“No,” he stuttered. “But I—”

“I think that’ll help Cynthia,” there was a melancholy in Alana’s voice now. “Give her something to hold onto until Zoe’s there to clear things up.”

“Right,” Evan murmured.

“I guess we all kinda need that,” she added. 

He was screwed.

“I didn’t realize you two were friends,” he stated. 

“Oh, yeah,” Alana looked down. “I guess she wouldn’t mention me.”

“No, she did!” Evan exclaimed. “I meant, that when she said Alana, I didn’t realize it was you Alana, I thought she was talking about some other Alana, sorry…”

“She said stuff about me?” Alana’s face lit up.

Evan was in trouble. He was in so much trouble. 

“Yeah,” he said quickly. You know, just that you were her friend, and she liked talking to you.”

“Really?” A sad look crossed Alana’s face. “I can’t believe she’d say that.”

“Oh,” he heard himself utter.

He needed to change the subject. He needed to talk about literally anything else. 

“I guess it’s been a long year,” Alana sighed. 

“Year?” He asked before he could stop himself. 

“She probably didn’t tell you about the fight,” Alana seemed to realize. “Why would she? It’s not that important.”

“It seems important to you,” Evan commented.

“Yeah,” Alana nodded. “Yeah it is, I guess. There’s really not that much to it though. We had an argument, she got mad, I got mad, we stopped talking.”

“Oh.”

Evan watched her look at the night ahead of them. He had never been close to Alana before, but this wasn’t a side of her he had seen. Alana was never pensive, never lost, she always seemed so in control. 

“The Murphy’s invite me over a lot, though,” she said thoughtfully. “I think Cynthia wants us to make up. I know Connor does, but it’s better that they stay out of it.”

“You clearly care about her,” Evan tried to make his voice comforting. “Why didn’t you try to talk to her?”

“You know how stubborn she is,” Alana sounded bitter now. “And—Oh, God, she didn’t say that she was mad I never tried to, did she?”

“No, no,” Evan wasn’t sure what else to say. “She only ever said good things about you.”

“Like what?” Alana was searching his face. 

“Just that you’re amazing,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “And one of her her best friends.”

“So she doesn’t hate me?” Alana asked softly.

“Of course not,” Evan’s voice was higher than is usually went. 

Alana smiled for a second, but then the pensive expression was back. 

“I probably shouldn’t tell you this,” she started. “But the fight was about her boyfriend at the time. At least, that’s what it started about. I kept thinking that she was the one who should apologize to me, since she dumped him a week later.”

Evan nodded. 

“I guess, I’m also stubborn,” Alana sighed. “I should have talked to her.”

“You can when she wakes up,” Evan provided. 

“Yeah, yeah I can.” Alana nodded. “I’ll make everything right as soon as she wakes up.”

Her voice broke at the end of that. Then tears were cascading down her face. Evan realized she’d made it this long without crying. He doubted he would have been able to in her shoes. She was so much stronger than she seemed.

“This is my building,” he pointed to the one ahead of them. “You can come inside, I can make you tea or something?”

He didn’t know what else to offer, but he couldn’t just leave her like this. 

“Thanks,” she whispered.

Evan took her arm, the same way she had grasped his in the hospital room, and lead her inside. They decided to for go the tea, and ended up sitting on Evan’s couch with an open ice cream carton and two spoons. Evan let Alana talk about random things. Some of them had to do with Zoe, but most didn’t. Near midnight she decided that she better get going. He told her that she could stay the night if she needed to, but she promised she’d be fine in a taxi.

When she left he collapsed onto his bed. Fatigue outweighed stress and he was out like a light.

* * *

Evan was barely awake when his phone rang the next morning. He didn’t want to answer it. He wanted to lay in bed and pretend that the night before was all a dream. Were it not for the clearly real scar he could feel on his scalp, he may have been able to do so. However, despite his groggy brain’s protests, he pulled himself out of bed and picked up the device.

“Hey, Evan!” he heard Alana’s very loud voice on the other end. 

“Alana?”

“Yeah,” she chirped. “Oh sorry, I didn’t give you my number right? 

“No, but I did give you mine. Yes, I remember.” The later part of the night before was fuzzy, but there for the most part. 

“Yeah,” she agreed. “It was kinda a long night.”

“Did you get any sleep?” he asked. 

“Not really,” she admitted.

“That’s not—”

“But I feel great,” she declared. “Thanks for talking last night, it helped a lot.”

“Don’t mention it,” he stammered.

“So,” she drew out the word. “I’m having dinner with the Murphy’s tonight.”

“Okay,” he didn’t get why she was telling him this.

“And I thought, well Cynthia and I thought, that this would be a great time for you to formally meet them.” She was probably beaming as she said this. “You know, with out the crying and stuff.”

“I’m not sure,” he murmured. 

There was no way he could survive a full meal with these people. They’d see through him in minutes and then he was done for. 

“I think it would help get their minds off of,” Alana trailed off. 

He didn’t need to see her to recognize the shift in her demeanor. It was back to reality, and Evan could tell from freshman year that reality wasn’t a fun place for Alana Beck. 

“Well, that’s a lie,” she continued softly. “It’s all any of us can think about. But maybe it’ll help to all be together.”

“Yeah,” he heard himself agree.

“So, you’ll come?” she asked brightly.

“I don’t know,” he needed an excuse. “I’m not sure I can handle going to a restaurant. My head still hurts and—”

“Then, that’s perfect,” she exclaimed. “We’re having it at my house!”

He was stuck.

“I can walk you there,” she suggested.

“You don’t have to—”

“I’ll be at your place around six, okay?” This was one of those questions that no one could say no to. It wasn’t allowed.

“Okay,” he felt numb.

“Great!”

“You sound really awake for someone who didn’t get enough sleep,” he commented.

“I may have consumed a lot of coffee,” she admitted.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Evan asked.

“It usually is,” she brushed off. “I gotta go, I need to straighten up my living room.”

“Right.”

“See you tonight!” she called into the phone before hanging up.

Evan was wide awake now. There was no way he could lie through another conversation, much less a full dinner. They were going to ask him how he and Zoe met, how he asked her out, all of the questions that had no answers. 

That was because he was a creep. How could he let Zoe’s family think he was married to her? What was wrong with him? Yes, he liked her. Yes, he wished he had asked her out when they first met. But this was wrong in so many ways. 

He could just tell them. He could show up, and tell them the truth, and run.

But that would mean that they wouldn’t have the lifeline that Alana was so convinced he was. They’d have to cope with not only Zoe being in a coma, but Zoe hating the life that put her in it. Zoe not being saved by someone she loved, but by a coworker who she only talked to at work and was probably the closest thing she had to a friend for the past seven months. 

Evan imagined his mom baring this. He couldn’t do that to the Murphy’s or to Alana. 

But how was he supposed to carry this forward? He needed help. Well, he at least needed to tell someone. 

That was how Jared Kleinman ended up sitting on his couch with the most shocked expression Evan had ever witnessed on him.

“You did what?”

“Yeah,” Evan redirected his gaze to his hands.

“You’re insane!” Jared was laughing now. 

Great. Evan’s life was probably going to be over in the next few hours, but at least Jared found it funny.

“I didn’t mean for them to think that,” Evan tried to explain.

“Why did some random nurse think you’re engaged to Zoe in the first place?” Jared questioned.

“I think I might have,” Evan gulped, “mumbled I was gonna marry her.”

“What?” Jared exploded into laughter again.

“I had a concussion,” Evan said in his defense. “I didn’t know what I was saying!”

“This is hilarious,” Jared shook his head.

“It’s not,” Evan pressed.

None of it was funny. This was probably the most uncomfortable and terrifying situation he had managed to get himself into in his entire life. That was saying something, since Evan was certainly the least smooth person that he knew.

“What’s going to happen when she wakes up?” Jared asked.

“I don’t know,” Evan groaned.

“If she wakes up,” he added quietly

“Don’t say that,” Evan flinched. “Of course she’s going to wake up.”

That was the one thing scarier than being exposed in the lie. Evan would rather Zoe hate him and be okay than not know he was lying to her friend and family but be stuck in her coma for the foreseeable future.

“Then you’re screwed,” Jared informed him. 

“I know,” he sighed. “What do I do?”

“Try the truth,” Jared deadpanned.

“I can’t!” Evan chirped. “I tried, twice!”

“Wow, that’s a lot of effort.” Jared said sarcastically, but Evan ignored him. 

“But then they started hugging me,” he remembered not being able to speak at all, much less tell the truth. “And Alana said that everyone needed something to hold on to, and if I tell them the truth they’re going to realize how much she hated her life, and then they’re going to cry more because of me—”

“Evan,” Jared cut through the babble. “Breath.”

“Right, yeah,” Evan nodded, forcing air into his lungs, “Sorry.”

“Dude, you’re so fucked,” Jared shook his head in disbelief again. 

“You think I don’t know that!” Evan exclaimed. “How am I supposed to talk to them? I don’t know anything about Zoe.”

“You know enough to go on and on about her literally every time you talk to me,” Jared reminded him with a smirk. 

“Yeah, but I don’t know anything about her life!” Evan pointed out. “What if they ask me a question I’m supposed to know the answer to and don’t?”

“Just smile and nod,” Jared suggested. 

“I can’t!” Evan dismissed. “I’m gonna start talking like I did with Alana!”

“Making shit up is the fastest way to get caught,” Jared said.

“I know, I know.” Evan slumped into his couch. “Can you come with me?”

“Hell no!” Jared exclaimed.

“Please,” Evan begged.

“You are not dragging me into your crazy scheme,” Jared crossed his arms. 

“But if I go alone I’m going to die!” Evan didn’t feel like he was exaggerating this. “I can’t talk to them! Maybe if you’re there you can help divert the conversation or something. I don’t know, but you’re better at talking than me. I can’t handle all three of them. What if I start freaking out and they think I’m crazy? What if Alana says—”

“Okay, okay,” Jared waved a hand to stop Evan’s rambling. “Fine. If you quit hyperventilating, I’ll come.”

“Seriously?”

“Yes, but if shit hits the fan I’m running,” he warned.

“Yeah, that’s fair,” Evan nodded. “I’ll go ask Alana if it’s okay if I bring someone.”

Alana texted him back with in seconds, ecstatically informing him that anyone was welcome. Evan felt slightly relieved. Jared was better at lying that he was. If he started doing something bad, Jared would probably stop him. He’d find the whole thing a lot less funny if he was there to witness three angry, grieving people.

“You’re still screwed,” Jared told him. “Even if you make it through tonight.”

Evan knew this. He was only delaying the inevitable. He wanted out, he really did, but it was like being trapped in a room without a door or window. 

“Maybe Zoe will understand,” he said hopefully.  

“Would you understand if some weirdo told your family that they were gonna marry you?” Jared scoffed.

“No,” Evan admitted. “She’s gonna hate me.”

“Yup.”

Jared had never been good at making him feel better about anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connor's in the next chapter, I promise!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was right in the middle of the fiasco that the Murphy’s ran into the room. Evan recognized Zoe’s parents. They both looked about as shocked as the next person would be in this situation. Standing behind them was a man who hadn’t been at the hospital the night before. 
> 
> Zoe hadn’t mentioned that she had a brother, but he looked a little older than Evan. He had the same brown hair Zoe had. His hair was long, not as long as Zoe’s, but longer than most guys would let it grow.
> 
> Out of the three of them, this guy looked the least shocked and the most amused.

Evan realized five minutes into the walk to Alana’s house that he would never be as good at talking as Alana and Jared. He didn’t really mind this at the moment. He could just let the two talk over him while he tried to figure out how to survive dinner. The only problem was Jared kept talking about him and Zoe.

“I could totally tell he was in love with her before he let himself admit it,” Jared explained to Alana.

Despite protesting being a part of Evan’s lie, Jared was actually very good at adding to it. Too good. It was making Evan nervous.

“He’s really bad at hiding things,” Jared continued.

That felt like a hint. 

Jared exaggerated stories of Evan rambling about Zoe until the made it to Alana’s house. It was a lot nicer than Evan expected. Not that he didn’t think it would be nice, Alana seemed like the sort of person to keep where she lived presentable, but it was surprising that someone his age living alone could afford this. 

“I need to warm up the food,” she told them as they walked into her living room. “You mind waiting here?”

Evan shook his head. 

Alana walked in what Evan assumed was the direction of the kitchen.

“She hasn’t changed,” Jared commented.

“Neither have you,” Evan informed him.

“Change is overrated,” Jared flopped on Alana’s couch. “Are you emotionally prepared yet?”

“What?” Evan asked.

“Well, they’re probably going to expect you to cry at some point,” Jared explained.

Evan couldn’t argue, but he didn’t want to make himself cry. That just seemed dirty. He was about to tell Jared this, but his reply was cut off by a loud beeping.

“Smoke alarm?” Jared shouted, hands over his ears.

There was a shout from where Alana had disappeared. They rushed in it’s direction. 

It wasn’t hard to find her kitchen, since, as well as the beeping, the room was emanating an overwhelmingly strong burning smell. Evan expected a fire, but was met with Alana trying to fan a burnt soufflé with a dish towel. Smoke poured from the charred meal and to the smoke detector in the middle of the ceiling.

“Are you alright—”

Once again Evan was cut off by the smoke detector, only this time it wasn’t from it beeping but from it’s sprinklers activating. Evan had never installed this type of smoke detector in his apartment, and was not regretting that decision now.

If the burning hadn’t ruined the meal, this certainly had. 

“Oh my God,” Alana’s hands made fists in her hair. 

“I’ll turn it off,” Jared volunteered. He was still shouting to be heard over the beeping and now the water raining on them.

He proceeded to pull a chair across the room. Evan didn’t think he’d be able to reach the device, even if he was standing on that. He didn’t voice this.

“Oh my God,” Alana gasped.

Evan recognized that voice. It was the same voice he made right before breaking down. It was hopeless and isolated. He’d never heard it from someone else.

“It’s okay,” he put a hand on her shoulder. 

“This is a mess,” she dropped the now soaked dish rag on the floor. 

“It’s okay,” Evan said again. 

Water was in his eyes. He tried to rub it out, but that action only seemed to further point out how much of a disaster this moment was. Alana pulled off her glasses, which were too covered in the sprinkler water to see through.

Evan glanced at Jared. He was right. Jared could not reach the smoke detector. Evan was barely taller than Jared, so he probably wouldn’t be able to either. It was going to keep raining, until Alana’s kitchen flooded and they all drowned in it because they were too stunned to move.

It was then, right in the middle of the fiasco, that the Murphy’s ran into the room. Evan recognized Zoe’s parents. They both looked about as shocked as the next person would be in this situation. Standing behind them was a man who hadn’t been at the hospital the night before. 

Zoe hadn’t mentioned that she had a brother, but he looked a little older than Evan. He had the same brown hair Zoe had. His hair was long, not as long as Zoe’s, but longer than most guys would let it grow. His hair was also now soaked because the ceiling was still raining. 

Out of the three of them, this guy looked the least shocked and the most amused. 

Jared fell out of the chair. Evan wanted to facepalm, but he doubted that Alana would appreciate that. Mutely, Zoe’s father walked to the chair and turned off the smoke alarm.

For a moment the only sound in the room was the over persistent tapping of water dripping from the counter to the floor. 

“I am so sorry,” Alana was able to utter before being choked by a sob.

There were too many people. Even if they were her friends, this many people seeing the mess was not going to help. This many people seeing her cry was only going to make it worse.

“Hey, let’s go in the other room for a sec,” Evan heard his voice say softly.

This wasn’t like him. He wasn’t good at taking initiative, but he knew Alana needed to be anywhere but in the middle of the kitchen. Alana seemed to realize this too, because after nodding she was moving out of the room as quickly as she could without it looking like a run. It still did look like she was running away, but Evan would pretend for her sake it didn’t. 

He followed. It took a second to realize he was the only one following.

Alana didn’t stop in the living room, instead she darted through a hall and into a bathroom. Evan would have waited out side, but she didn’t close the door. Hesitantly, he stepped in.

“Are you okay?” he asked because he was an idiot. Of course she wasn’t okay. She was probably the farthest thing from okay for so many reasons. 

“I ruin everything.” She leaned against the wall, then slid to the ground. Her head fell into her hands.

Evan closed the door. He knelt next to her. He’d never tried to calm someone else down for this sort of thing before, but he’d been in Alana’s position a number of times.

“I don’t think that’s true,” he told her. “You try so hard.”

“And it never works out!” she didn’t stop the tears from falling down her face. There wasn’t any point, since Evan had already watched her cry the night before. “No matter how hard I try nothing ever goes as plan. Everything is always a disaster.”

He needed to say something. She needed to be pulled out, she needed something to hold on to. But how could someone who could never find his own lifeline give one to someone else?

“I,” Evan took a breath. “I have anxiety. And, because of it I’ve always had this tendency to lock people out. When I was younger—well, it hasn’t exactly stopped, sometimes I don’t think it ever will.”

He was rambling, but she was looking at him. She was listening, so he needed to get to the point before she fell back into herself.

“What I’m trying to say,” he continued. “Is that there are a lot of times when I feel lonely and like nothing I say or do is ever going to matter to anyone.”

“Yeah?”

“But,” he looked at his hands.

Was there a catch to this? His life didn’t get better. He was still struggling with this feeling six years after high school. He was the same person in the same sea of self doubt.

“But then I met Zoe,” his voice found the words before his mind did. “And she told me that it wasn’t true. She said that even if it feels like the whole world is against you, someone is always on your side. You just can’t always see them.”

Alana’s eyes pooled with a sadness, but it wasn’t the same panicked grief she’s had a moment ago.

“That sounds like Zoe,” she murmured. 

“Yeah?” Evan felt him self release a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

“She’s good at helping people,” Alana added.

“Yeah,” Evan agreed. “Alana, tonight was a mess, but outside there is much bigger mess and everyone here knows that. I think they’re just happy that you cared enough to try to make the real word seem less bad.”

“Thanks,” she smiled at him.

There was a knock at the door.

“Should I?” Evan looked to Alana.

“Yeah,” she wiped the tears from her face. “Might as well face things now.”

He nodded, stood, and opened the door. Outside stood the guy with the brown hair. His arms were crossed. For a second his eyes flicked over Evan with a narrowed look Evan wasn’t sure how to read. Then they landed on Alana and softened.

Alana pulled herself off the bathroom floor.

“You two haven’t met, have you?” she asked.

“My parents told me about him,” Connor spoke as if Evan wasn’t there. The comment at least confirmed that this was Zoe’s brother. Evan could pretend that he already knew that.

“Evan, this is Connor,” Alana said warmly. She had regained control of her voice. It was steady now, as if nothing had happened.

“Hi,” Evan voiced meekly.

Connor gave him the same look he had a second ago. Evan didn’t like it. He felt like he was being seen through.

“Can we have a moment?” Connor asked him.

Evan realized this was his way of telling him to leave. 

“Yeah,” he stammered. 

Connor brushed past him. Evan was barely out of the room before the door was being closed at his back.

“Are you okay?” Through the door, he could hear that Connor’s voice was gentler now.

Knowing the two probably didn’t realize the door wasn’t sound proof, Evan retreated into the living room. That was where he found everyone else. The second he walked in, all eyes were on him.

“She’s feeling better,” he stated awkwardly. “They’re, um, talking.”

Zoe’s mother—Alana had said her name was Cynthia—nodded.

Evan mutely sat down next to Jared on Alana’s couch. Everyone was still wet. He should have grabbed towels when he was in Alana’s bathroom. Not that he would have been able to even if he had thought of that, he had a feeling that if he hadn’t stumbled out Connor would have pushed him. 

“This is still not the worst dinner party I’ve been to,” Jared broke the silence in a voice laced in fake confidence.

Zoe’s parents laughed. Evan did too. 

“Would that make Easter three years ago the worst?” Evan asked in an attempt to continue the conversation.

“Hey, I thought I looked great in that dress,” Jared exclaimed. “Everyone else had very harsh opinions.”

Jared launched into the story of how he had decided to wear a pink dress to his parents Easter party to see what reactions he would get. Evan and the Murphy’s laughed along. Jared loved to over exaggerate stories. While Evan usually found the embellishment irritating, he was glad that Jared had found a way to lighten the mood. 

Soon they were having a contest of who had lived through the worst party catastrophe. Jared added a few more family get togethers, tree of which included Evan hiding in the bathroom until half of the guests left. Evan remembered watching another student pull the fire alarm during junior prom. Cynthia described a wedding she’s attended where one of the bride’s maids accidentally knocked over a candle and nearly set the church on fire. Larry—Zoe’s father—explained that he had once tipped over a boat while fishing with a group of friends and gotten pinched by three crabs in the process of righting it. 

By the time Alana and Connor emerged from the bathroom, the four of them had forgotten about the mess. 

“I think I’m gonna have to cancel dinner,” Alana told them.

Cynthia assured her that no one minded, and Alana seemed to almost believe her.

“Do you need help cleaning up?” Evan asked as the others got ready to leave.

“I’d love some,” Alana confessed.

“I’ll stay too,” Connor said. 

Evan tried to hide how nervous that made him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, um,” Evan stammered.
> 
> “How did you meet my sister?” Connor’s voice was demanding. 
> 
> “I, um,” Evan sputtered. He looked at the ground. He didn’t even need to lie for this one, and he was already losing his words. “We work at the same office. We started at about the same time, so we were kinda trying to look out for each other, and yeah…”
> 
> His eyes left the floor, hoping that they would meet a less angry Connor. His hopes were quickly dashed. Connor looked like he wanted to eat him alive. 
> 
> “Okay,” his voice was tense. “Drop the act.”

Mopping up the kitchen proved to be an easier task than Evan expected it would be. Alana kept the room clean, so all the three of them had to do was get rid of the water. Evan wished he had been selfish and not offered his help. He didn’t mind the work at all, wiping down the kitchen counter was almost relaxing. The problem was every time Evan turned his back he could feel Connor staring at him.

He glanced at Connor once, and only for a second. This was enough to confirm that, yes, Connor was watching him, and, no, he was going to be subtle about it.

“Zoe would have laughed at this,” Alana commented in an emotionless tone.

“She wouldn’t have,” Evan tried to tell her before realizing that maybe it would be better not to say what Zoe would have thought or done.

“You’re just being nice,” Alana dismissed. “She’d be on the floor laughing.”

“That’s because my sister laughs when she doesn’t know how to react,” Connor commented dryly.

“Yeah,” Evan heard his own voice confirm. The gaze at his back felt colder. “I mean, don’t we all do that, kinda?”

If Connor was glaring, Alana didn’t seem to notice it. 

“There was this one time we got lost on a road trip,” her voice was far off. “She laughed for a solid minute.”

“And then panicked,” Connor added.

“A little,” Alana brushed off. “I got her to calm down though. We weren’t that lost, we just got turned around and thought that we were going to die.”

“Oh,” Evan couldn’t find the humor in this.

“Did she tell you about it?” Alana asked.

“Yeah, kinda,” he stammered. “Only a little bit.”

“She thought it was a lot scarier than it was,” Alana explained with a knowing smile. “She didn’t trust my navigation.”

“She didn’t trust your knock off smart phone’s navigation,” Connor corrected.

“Same difference,” Alana shrugged. “We were fine. It was funny in hindsight. Well, for Zoe it was funny in the middle of it.”

“She likes to be right,” Connor muttered.

“Everyone likes to be right,” she told him flatly. “I’m guessing that much hasn’t changed?”

It took a second for Evan to realize the question was being posed to him.

“What?” he wasn’t doing good. “No, yeah, she um, yeah sometimes she—”

“Argues too much?” Alana provided.

“Genetics suck,” Connor sounded like he was talking more to himself than the two of them.

“Well,” Alana continued. “It’s not really arguing.”

“Yeah, it’s passive aggressive.” Connor stated.

“Kinda,” Alana allowed. “But not always in a bad way. She sticks to her opinion, you know?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded when she glanced at him.

“It’s refreshing,” Alana said.

“Except for when she gives you the silent treatment for a fucking year,” Connor said darkly.

Alana exhaled.

“Can you not?” she gave him a tired look.

“Fine,” he seemed to back off at this.

“My stuff’s dry,” Alana announced. “You guys?”

“Yeah,” Evan confirmed, glancing over the counter. “This is fine.”

“Just don’t run through with socks,” Connor warned, gesturing to the floor with his mop. “I can’t promise anything.”

“Alright,” she grinned.

“Well,” Evan cleared his throat. “Since everything is okay, I should probably get going.”

“If you guys wanna stay longer I could get a pizza or something,” Alana suddenly suggested.

Everything in Evan’s brain told him to abort now. He’d stayed long enough. He’d added enough things to this lie for one night. Plus, there was no way he could spend another minute in the presence of Zoe’s brother. He needed to leave. 

“I don’t know,” he tried.

“Please,” Alana pressed. “My treat. As a thanks for helping and a sorry for making the ceiling rain.”

“I’d love to but it’s getting late and—”

“Sounds great,” Connor cut him off smoothly.

“Okay!” Alana beamed at the two of them. “I’ll just be a minute, they’re literally a block away.”

It took a second for Evan to realize she wasn’t going to order a pizza, she was going to pick one up. By herself. 

He was about to be left alone in the apartment with Zoe’s brother who had been glaring daggers at him almost since the beginning of the night. 

“Wait,” he stammered. “I can—”

“Requests?” Alana asked.

“If you tell them to put pineapples on it I will gut you,” Connor warned her.

“Got it,” she laughed. “Evan?”

“Anything,” he uttered. “I don’t mind.”

“Great!” 

She was out the door in a second. Evan tried every hard to keep his breathing level. He glanced at Connor, but immediately regretted it. He couldn’t meet that stare. He was pretty sure it was going to melt him.

“So, um,” he stammered.

“How did you meet my sister?” Connor’s voice was demanding. 

“I, um,” Evan sputtered. He looked at the ground. He didn’t even need to lie for this one, and he was already losing his words. “We work at the same office. We started at about the same time, so we were kinda trying to look out for each other, and yeah…”

His eyes left the floor, hoping that they would meet a less angry Connor. His hopes were quickly dashed. Connor looked like he wanted to eat him alive. 

“Okay,” his voice was tense. “Drop the act.”

“What?” Evan stammered.

“I said,” Connor seethed. “Drop the fucking act.”

Connor stepped closer to him. Evan tried to retreat, but felt the counter hit his back. He was stuck. He really wanted to leave.

“I,” he tried very hard to be able to speak. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“My sister is not engaged,” Connor growled. “I know that, you know that, so stop fucking acting and tell me what the fuck you want.”

“You, um,” Evan stammered. “You’re close to Zoe?”

A chill passed over Connor’s glare. Evan realized the answer to that question.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted. “That came out wrong, I didn’t mean to—”

“What are you getting out of this?” Connor asked darkly.

He was too close. Evan wanted to run. He wanted to admit everything and just let Connor end him, because that was kinda what he deserved wasn’t it?

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about,” his voice shook.

“Yes you do,” Connor looked like he wanted to punch him.

“Please stop shouting,” Evan uttered.

For a second, he really thought Connor was going to punch him. But then he didn’t. He took a step back. Evan didn’t understand.

“Fuck this,” Connor muttered.

Then he was storming out of the room. 

Evan sank to the floor. His head fell into his hands. He didn’t move until he heard the apartment door open. Then he was scrambling to his feet in an attempt to look a little more put together.

“Okay,” Alana said as she entered. “I just got cheese because, I know you’re going to complain about every other—”

She cut off, realizing it was just Evan in the room.

“Where’s Connor?” she asked him.

“I,” Evan swallowed. “I don’t know. He went that way. I think he’s upset.”

Alana’s forehead creased.

“Did he say what about?” she asked.

Evan didn’t know how to answer that. Then again, he doubted Connor was going to keep any of his accusations a secret.

“Me,” he stated.

“What?” Alana blinked at him.

“I don’t know,” Evan blanched. “He started yelling.”

“Oh God,” Alana sighed.

“I’m sorry.”

She set the two pizza boxes she’d been carrying onto the table. 

“I’ll go check on him,” she said. “Give me a bit.”

“Okay,” he nodded as he watched her go. 

He was only alone for a minute or two. Alana walked back into the room with her usual smile. Evan was pretty sure it wasn’t a real one, but that would mean that she was rarely actually smiling. That was sad.

Connor didn’t look happy, but he wasn’t glaring at Evan like he was planning to murder him in his sleep. The three sat down at Alana’s now dry kitchen table. For a moment, no one spoke. Then Alana started laughing.

“I don’t get the joke,” Connor informed her in an unamused voice.

“I didn't say anything,” she said back, still laughing. 

“Exactly,” he replied.

“I was just thinking,” she started.

“Here we go,” he muttered.

“The three of us sitting here is funny,” she declared. 

“I still don’t get the joke,” he informed her. 

Evan didn’t either, but he wasn’t going to say anything until he had to. The less Connor was acknowledging his existence the better. 

“After six years,” Alana added.

She glanced at Evan. He tried to send her a confused look—anything that would nonverbally convey that he didn’t know what she was talking about either.

“Seriously?” she asked him.

“I don’t,” he stammered softly.

“You don’t remember each other?” she looked slightly disappointed. 

“What?” Connor asked her.

“We all went to the same high school,” she sighed. “And it’s funny, that we’re all here now!”

Evan didn’t really think it was that amusing. Maybe scary was a better word, considering he’d been trying to run away from the person he was back then for years and it never seemed to work. 

“Oh,” he voiced anyway, because Alana wanted some form of reaction. “I didn’t realize.”

“High school sucked,” Connor had no problem laying his cards on the table.

“I know,” Alana must have expected this much from him. “But—”

“So I like to pretend it didn’t happen,” he added. 

“Yeah, well, we can’t all be like you,” she crossed her arms.

Evan did not mean a laugh to escape his lips. Honestly, it was barely a laugh, more of an exhale than anything, but it still caught Alana’s attention.

“What?” she asked.

“No, it’s just,” he tried to justify this without sounding mean. “I haven’t heard you be sarcastic before.”

“I’m really the only one who at least thinks it’s nostalgic?” Alana asked the pair of them. She sounded a little exasperated.

“I don’t know,” Evan didn’t want to let her down.

“Yeah,” Connor said bluntly. “Fuck high school, no one actually tries to remember it.”

“Yeah,” Evan sheepishly agreed.

“Come on,” Alana kept trying. “There were some good things.”

“Because you had so many ‘acquaintances?’” Connor deadpanned. “You hated it, Alana.”

“Okay, I didn’t have a lot of friends,” she paused, a thoughtful look passing over her. “Or any now that I think about it.”

“People talked to you,” Connor offered. Evan guessed he felt a bit bad for pushing her to that realization.

“I talked to people,” she corrected. 

“I didn’t have any friends either,” Evan put forth.

“At least neither of you were branded ‘the kid who threw a printer and Ms. G in second grade,’” Connor said with distaste in his voice. “God, I thought that was going to follow me everywhere.” 

Evan did not mean to laugh. Connor looked at him with what wasn’t exactly annoyance, but was very close to controlled irritation. 

“Sorry,” Evan blurted. “I just, didn’t realize that was you.”

Connor rolled his eyes, but directed his gaze back to his food.

“Um, well,” Evan heard himself start. “I was ‘the kid who looked like he was having a brain aneurism in the middle of English class so you’re not alone, I guess…”

“That was you?” Connor’s eyes shot back to him, this time they didn’t seem vexed at Evan’s existence. 

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. 

“I knew everyone thought I was a freak,” Alana added. “But I kept pretending that I didn’t.”

“Yeah, totally miss people calling me that word,” Connor said sarcastically.

“I’d hear it every other day,” Evan shared.

“I think I remember you,” Connor told him.

“I kinda blended into the wall,” Evan admitted. “It’s okay if you don’t.”

“No,” Connor squinted at him. “You broke your arm senior year, right?”

“Yeah, that was me,” Evan nodded. “I remember you, too.”

“I don’t really look that different,” Connor shrugged.

“Neither do I,” Evan knew. 

“Sorry for shoving you that one time,” Connor’s tone had a hint of humor now.

“One time?” Evan asked with a very slight smile. 

“Three times,” Connor allowed.

“It’s okay,” Evan told him.

“It wasn’t anything personal,” Connor let him know. “I was kinda an asshole.”

“Kinda?” Alana asked with raised eyebrows.

“I was a huge asshole,” Connor declared. “Still am. Probably will be forever.”

Alana laughed. 

“Your friend looked familiar,” Connor informed Evan with a wince. 

Evan laughed nervously.

“Yeah, that’s Jared,” he stated.

“Jared Kleinman,” Alana added.

“God, I hated him,” Connor confessed. 

“He hasn’t changed much,” Evan admitted. 

“Great,” Connor smirked. “Bring him to all the family parties, that’ll be hilarious.”

“Stop it,” Alana groaned.

“I’m serious,” Connor told her.

“I know.”

The two of them were an interesting pair. Had Evan been told six years ago that they would be friends, he wouldn’t have believed it. However, what he was looking at made sense. In an odd way, they seemed to balance each other out. 

“Well,” Connor raised his plastic cup. “Here’s to the freaks of high school.”

“Socially awkward,” Alana corrected.

“What’s the difference?” Evan asked. 

“Nothing,” Connor chuckled. He turned to Alana with a serious expression. “Now please tell me you have actual alcohol.”

“You’re not getting any,” she told him with crossed arms. 

“Fuck you,” he said with no spite.

“You’re welcome,” she beamed.

They ate the pizza quicker than Evan thought they would. This was somewhat of a relief. When Alana was shoving the empty boxes into the trashcan (and Connor was repeatedly informing her that they were not going to fit) Evan was itching to run out the door.

“Well, I should get to bed,” Alana subtly told them to leave. “You guys can get yourselves home okay?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “It’s not a long walk.”

“I’ll drive you,” Connor said to him.

Evan didn’t expect that.

“It’s fine,” he stammered. 

“Didn’t you end up in the hospital last time you walked alone at night?” Connor asked smugly.

“Right,” Evan didn’t know how to respond to that. 

“Connor,” Alana had a warning tone.

“That was a joke,” Connor stated. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Evan chirped.

“I’m parked outside,” Connor informed him.

Evan was nearly certain Connor was only offering him a ride to appease Alana. It was working, Alana didn’t seem like she was going to sink back into the state she’d been in earlier. However, Evan didn’t want to get into a car with this man. Sure, they’d been laughing through dinner, but Evan was waiting for Connor to snap again and yell at him like he’d been before.

“Come on, Hansen,” Connor was already walking to the door.

Evan tried to insist that he walk, but the words didn’t leave his throat. He was always bad at saying no.

“Bye,” Evan siad to Alana.

“Goodnight!” she gave a little wave.

Evan followed Connor out into the dark street. He’d thought that Connor had come with his parents, but they must have just met each other outside of Alana’s house. It made sense that Connor had a car. He seemed like the sort of person who needed to be able to make a quick escape at anytime. 

As they got in, Connor asked Evan his address. Evan answered, but from there didn’t say anything. He hated awkward silence, but it was better than saying something that would make Connor yell at him.

“So, er,” Connor cleared his throat after a few minutes. “If it wasn’t already obvious, Alana told me how you and Zoe got hurt.”

Evan didn’t say anything. This must have happened when Alana got home with the food. That was probably why Connor wasn’t currently trying to kill him.

“I,” Connor trailed off, then seemed to fine the right words. “I’m glad you were there.”

“I should have been there sooner,” Evan voiced. “She might be awake if I was.”

“Yeah, well we all should have done things for Zoe we didn’t,” Connor’s voice was harsh now. “Moping about it isn’t going to wake her up.”

Evan couldn’t find anything to say to that. Instead he let his eyes stare ahead. He could hear Connor breathing. It was level, that hopefully meant he wasn’t angry. 

“Did she ever talk about me to you?” Connor asked in a softer tone.

Evan had to say something to this. He was Zoe’s brother, Evan couldn’t say that she hadn’t mentioned him. But what if she wouldn’t have? Connor wasn’t like Alana, Evan couldn’t side step him. 

“Kinda,” he stuttered. “Yeah, a little.”

“Right,” Connor scoffed. It didn’t sound irritated If anything it was sad. “Probably nothing good.”

“No,” Evan said quickly. “I didn’t mean—”

“It’s fine,” Connor’s voice was closed off now. “I know she’s still scared of me. She has every right to think I’m still a fuck up.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Evan tried.

“You’re a shit liar, you know that?” Connor informed him.

Evan braced for Connor to yell, but he didn’t. Daringly, Evan sneaked a glance at the seat next to him. Connor’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel. He looked like some voice inside him was trying to convince his brain to do something. Evan hated that feeling. Without realizing it, he began to pity Connor Murphy. 

“What’d she tell you about me?” Connor finally asked. 

“I can’t,” Evan could not answer this, it would be the end of him. “I’m sorry I don’t thin she wants me to.”

“Yeah,” Connor laughed darkly. “Definitely still scared. At least enough to pass it on to you, which you’re bad a hiding, by the way.”

“I’m not scared of you,” Evan stammered.

“Right,” Connor scoffed.

He didn’t say anything more until he was pulling up outside Evan’s apartment building. 

“This one?”

“Yeah,” Evan hastily unbuckled his seat belt. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Hey, listen,” Connor’s voice stopped him from opening the car door. “I know I’m messed up. But I took care of Zoe’s friends when she decided she didn’t want to. Probably doesn’t count for anything, but I know she knows that.”

“You mean Alana?” Evan asked before he could stop himself.

Connor didn’t answer, but that was confirmation enough.

“Get out of my car,” he said loudly.

Evan flinched, scrambling to open the door and jump out of it.

“You’re really skittish,” Connor chuckled. 

Evan exhaled. 

“Thanks,” he told Connor from the safe distance of the pavement. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Connor rolled his eyes. 

Evan turned away from the car, and walked as quickly to the buildings entrance as he could. To his surprise, Connor didn’t drive away until Evan was inside the glass doors. Maybe Evan was miss judging him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wasn’t sure what to say. If Cynthia wanted to talk to Zoe, it wasn’t really his place to over hear. He shouldn’t have come. He should have realized how likely running into someone else would be.
> 
> “Those are nice,” he looked at the flowers. “I’m sure she’d like them.”
> 
> “I thought it’d brighten up the room,” Cynthia shrugged. “Not that she can see them.”
> 
> “It’s the thought that counts,” Evan said hopefully.
> 
> “You’re a sweet boy,” she smiled at him.
> 
> “Thank you.” He didn’t really deserve that smile.
> 
> He watched her set the flowers on the table next to the monitors. Her hands delicately arranged them in the glass.

Evan didn’t want to go to the hospital, but part of him felt like he owed Zoe that much. He chose the middle of the day, after the incident he was given the week off from work to recover. He wasn’t sure if that meant physically or emotionally, but he took the break gladly.

Working on top of everything would only add another layer of stress. That, and he didn’t want to see Zoe’s desk empty. He wasn’t sure how he’d handle that.

When he arrived at the hospital, it was family only visiting hours. He thought about just going home, but instead mentioned that him and Zoe were engaged. If Zoe’s family thought it was true, he might as well lie to a few strangers who really didn’t care.

He made it through the hallway without thinking twice, but stopped himself in front of her room’s door. He hadn’t seen her since that night. So many things had changed for the worse since then. Part of him wanted to run away, but his brain reminded him that he had come this far.

Swallowing his courage, he pushed open the door.

Zoe looked peaceful. That wasn’t much consolation, but at least there wasn’t pain knitted in her brow. It was still wrong. Everything that was once vibrant now felt dormant. In made something knot in the pit of his stomach.

She reminded Evan of Sleeping Beauty. But a kiss wouldn’t wake Zoe up. Even if that was possible, it wouldn’t be Evan’s.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he sat down next to the bed.

He was sorry about so many things.

He wished he was the one in the coma. People wouldn’t miss him. Him sleeping wouldn’t cause a friend to break down in an attempted dinner party, or a brother to doubt he had ever done anything right.

No one would have lied about being something more for him.

“I didn’t mean it to happen,” he told her.

She couldn’t hear him, but this was better than not saying it. When she woke up, she may not let him apologize.

“You’re going to be so disturbed,” he realized.

It didn’t matter that he hadn’t meant to lie, he still had—he still was. Zoe was going to hate him. Alana was going to be so disgusted. And Connor would probably murder him gladly.

Evan felt like a creep.

The door opened. Evan gave a startled jolt. He turned to see Zoe’s mother.

“Morning,” she smiled at him.

She was holding a vase of flowers. They were purple. The room was gray.

“Hi,” Evan stood up from his chair. “I can go, if you wanted to—”

“No, stay,” she said warmly. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“It’s okay,” Evan stammered. “I was gonna leave soon.”

“Please,” she put a hand up, as if to motion him away from the door.

Evan wasn’t sure what to say. If Cynthia wanted to talk to Zoe, it wasn’t really his place to over hear. He shouldn’t have come. He should have realized how likely running into someone else would be.

“Those are nice,” he looked at the flowers. “I’m sure she’d like them.”

“I thought it’d brighten up the room,” Cynthia shrugged. “Not that she can see them.”

“It’s the thought that counts,” Evan said hopefully.

“You’re a sweet boy,” she smiled at him.

“Thank you.” He didn’t really deserve that smile.

He watched her set the flowers on the table next to the monitors. Her hands delicately arranged them in the glass.

“Did Alana feel better after we left?” she asked, her eyes on the flowers and not thankfully not Evan.

“Yeah,” he answered. “We cleaned up her kitchen, she got pizza. I think the distraction was good.”

“That’s good,” she said softly. “Poor thing, she always shoulders everything.”

She stepped back from the flowers.

“There.” They did make the room a bit brighter. It reminded Evan of Zoe. She could brighten up a room, usually when she wasn’t even trying.

“Maybe she can smell them?” Evan tried.

“Maybe,” Cynthia laughed.

She took a seat in the chair next to Evan. They didn’t talk for a moment. She was looking at Zoe. Evan tried to keep his eyes on his hands. He felt like he was intruding.

“They’re her favorite,” Cynthia finally said. Evan realized she meant the flowers. “Of course, you already know that.”

“Yeah,” he said quickly. “She mentioned it.”

“Probably after you got her the wrong kind,” Cynthia said with a humored smile.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded.

“She used to put them in her hair.” There was a far off look in her eyes now.

“Really?” Evan encouraged.

“There were a handful of wild plants in our old neighborhood,” she explained. “Zoe and Connor would run through the street picking them.”

Evan tried to picture the two as children. He could vaguely remember a younger Connor. They’d gone to the same elementary school, but Evan had never payed much attention to him.

“How old were they?” he wondered.

“It’s been so long,” Cynthia mused. “She couldn’t have been older than seven. That would make Connor nine.”

Evan imagined Zoe and Connor picking flowers, putting them in each other’s hair. The thought seemed to innocent for those two. It was hard to think that they’d been aloud a time before realizing how messed up the world was. It made him sad that they couldn't have stayed happy children forever.

“They’d see who could pick the most,” Cynthia went on. “I think he let her win.”

“That’s cute,” Evan murmured.

“It was.”

The memory faded from Cynthia’s eyes, and her face gave over to sadness. Evan looked from her to the bed in front of them. Picking flowers as children didn’t protect the Murphy siblings from getting broken.

“She’ll wake up soon,” he made his voice as comforting as he could. “I know it.”

“You’re right,” she forced a smile, then looked at her hands. “It’s not that, I shouldn’t be telling you this, you have enough to worry about.”

“It’s okay,” he said.

“I think we drove her away,” she whispered.

“Oh.” Evan wanted to say this couldn’t be true, but he didn’t know how.

“She probably told you so many bad things about us,” Cynthia blinked away tears.

“No, she didn’t,” Evan stuttered.

“I could have been a better mom,” she sighed.

“You seem like a great mom.” Evan meant this.

“I was always so distracted,” she sniffed.

Evan handed her the tissue box that had been next to the flowers. She gave him a sad smile.

“Connor had his—well, Connor’s always been difficult,” she seemed to be talking more to herself than to Evan. “I spent all my energy trying to keep him here that I didn’t realize I was neglecting her. I love them both so much. But Zoe acted so strong, I didn’t think she needed—”

She cut herself off. Her grip on the tissue box tightened, but she didn’t give way to crying.

“And Larry barely has time for anyone anymore,” she whispered. “I sound horrible.”

“No, you don’t,” Evan assured her.

“Did Zoe tell you what happened with Alana?” she asked him.

“She never wanted to talk about it,” Evan avoided.

“That makes sense,” she nodded. “I don’t really know what it was about, but Connor sided with Alana.”

“Yeah,” Evan remembered what Connor had said the night before.

“They’ve been friends since they started college,” she explained. “And Connor was never the most supportive brother. I don’t think he realized what it must have felt like for Zoe. She must have thought her family was against her.”

“She loves you,” Evan knew Cynthia needed to hear this.

“She’s too good for us,” she shook her head.

“She’s too good for everyone.” Evan meant this.

“I’m so happy she found someone like you,” she looked at him with something that was too close to pride

Evan felt his insides churn.

“She could do better,” he heard himself utter.

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

Suddenly the door swung open. Evan quickly turned to see Connor standing there. He was holding the same type of flowers that his mother had brought.

Connor’s eyes darted from the two of them to Zoe. Evan wondered if this was his first time visiting. Now he really felt like he was intruding.

“I’ll come back later,” Connor stated.

“I was just leaving,” Evan stood up. “If you want to stay.”

“No, I’ll walk you out,” Connor said suddenly. He handed the flowers to his mother, and nearly bolted out the door.

Evan followed, giving him a clearly confused look.

“I can’t be alone with her in there,” Connor said under his breath.

“Oh,” Evan nodded, realizing he didn’t mean Zoe.

It wasn’t his place to ask why. He matched Connor’s strides as they walked down the hall.

“About last night,” Connor started.

“It’s really not—”

“I’m sorry,” he looked Evan in the eyes. “I was an asshole, and probably freaked you out.”

“It’s okay,” Evan mumbled.

He pulled his gaze away from Connor, placing it on the white title floor instead. He didn’t like hospitals. When he was a kid, he’d occasionally have to sit in the waiting room of the one his mother worked at when she didn’t want him to be home alone. It always made him uneasy.

“How long have you been dating my sister?” Connor’s tone was different now. It was calculating. Evan didn’t like it.

“Why?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it,” Connor told him. “You said you met Zoe at work.”

“I did,” he confirmed.

“But she’s only been working there for seven months,” Connor pointed out. “And considering how fucking shy you seem, it probably took you at least a month to get brave enough to make a move.”

“I don’t understand,” Evan could hear the waver in his own voice.

“So, you two weren’t dating for that long, right?” Connor asked.

“I don’t know what your point is,” Evan didn’t answer.

“My point is that’s pretty fucking fast to be tying a knot,” Connor stated plainly.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Evan didn’t fight him. “But I really like her and she—”

“Has commitment issues,” Connor cut him off. “Really, really bad commitment issues that she probably didn’t tell you about.”

Evan didn’t want to hear this, not after Cynthia Murphy had told him the story about Zoe and Connor picking flowers.

“Did you apologize just to accuse me of lying again?” Evan asked shakily.

“I’m bipolar.”

“That’s not really how that works,” Evan muttered.

They stopped in front of the elevator. Evan knew he was not going to last the ride down.

“I, um, I left something in the room,” he lied, taking a step back. “I’ll wait for the next—”

The elevator door opened. Connor grabbed Evan’s arm and pulled him inside.

“What are you doing?” Evan stammered.

Connor hit the button for the doors to close, then turned to Evan.

“I know my sister pretty well,” he said levelly. “We might not be close, but I’ve been around her since she was born.”

“Okay?”

“And I know she has terrible taste in guys,” he said with narrowed eyes.

“Yeah, I kinda got that impression,” Evan murmured.

“So what’s your catch, Hansen?” Connor crossed his arms.

“There, um,” Evan choked on the words. “I don’t have one?”

Connor glared at him. He uncrossed his arms.

“I don’t like you,” he stated.

“I can tell,” Evan admitted.

“I don’t like whatever this is,” Connor continued.

“I’m sorry—”

“Because _this_ is too perfect,” his tone was dark now. “That’s not what life is like, not for me or my sister. We never get perfect. So who are you and what the fuck do you want?”

“I don’t want anything,” Evan exclaimed.

Without warning, Connor shoved him into the wall behind him. His hand made a fist in Evan’s shirt. Evan moved his arms forward, trying to push back, but Connor’s forearm kept him in place. He could feel Connor’s breath in his face. It felt sharp, angry. Evan wanted to close his eyes until this was all over, but Connor’s glare froze him.

“I like Zoe!” Evan blurted. “I love her.”

Something subtle changed in Connor’s eyes. He was listening. If Evan didn’t want to get punched, he needed to say something quick.

“I thought that she was pretty when we first met, I mean, her smile can light up a depressing office room,” he rambled. “Then we started talking and I realized how smart and funny she is and after that it was impossible not to like her.”

The fist on his chest loosened.

“I didn’t want anything,” Evan pressed. “Well, I wanted to keep talking to her. I wanted to tell her that it’s adorable that she still doodles on the cuffs of her jeans. And that her laugh makes me forget that my life sucks. And I wanted her to keep smiling at me. There’s nothing like her smile.”

Connor let go, pushing himself backwards. Evan caught a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.

“I don’t,” he exhaled.

“Shut up,” Connor hissed.

Then he pressed one of the elevator buttons. The doors opened and Connor stepped out, not looking back. Evan realized they’d been on the same floor the whole time. Trying very hard to regain composure, he pressed the lobby button and fell back against the wall.

* * *

His phone rang when he made it back to his apartment. It was Alana. If it had been anyone else, Evan probably would not have answered it.

“Hey, Evan?” she said when he picked up. Her voice wasn’t full of it’s usual confidence.

“Hi, Alana,” he replied.

“I’m calling to apologize,” she told him.

“For what?” he asked, she had nothing to be sorry for.

“Connor told me about earlier today,” she explained.

“You’re apologizing for Connor,” he stated dumbly,

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” she sounded like she was wincing.

“It’s okay,” he exhaled. “It’s probably better since when he tried to apologize about something else he just started yelling at me again. That’s really mean, sorry.”

“He’s very protective,” Alana used as an excuse.

“I can tell,” Evan said.

“But he doesn’t know how to control his emotions most of the time,” she added. “It’s bad, I know, but he’s working on it. I think the whole incident is pushing him too much.”

“Yeah,” Evan voiced. “Does, does Connor think I’m lying to everyone?”

It wouldn’t make Evan mad if he did. Despite how aggressive Connor had been, Evan couldn’t really blame him. After all, he was right not to trust Evan.

“No, no that’s not it,” Alana told him very quickly.

“Oh,” Evan wasn’t sure if he should be relieved.

“Connor just thinks that the world is out to get his family,” she tried to explain. “Mainly him and Zoe.”

“Right,” Evan remembered Connor’s words in the elevator.

“They have a lot of problems,” she sighed. “Zoe probably told you.”

“She didn’t like to talk about it,” he brushed off.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” she said thoughtfully. “Are you okay?”

“Um, yeah,” he tried to verbalize. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“It’s just,” she started. “Connor said you seemed really freaked out.”

“Oh, yeah,” Evan tried not to think about how he must have looked. “I guess I kinda was.”

“He says he’s sorry,” she told him. “He’ll probably say it in person next time you see him.”

Evan didn’t want to see Connor again. He didn’t want Connor to be sorry or to yell at him again. The idea of either made him dizzy.

“Does Connor get help?” he asked suddenly. “For the emotions thing.”

“For a long time he didn’t,” Alana said softly.

“That must have been hard,” Evan voiced.

“It was,” she said. “He’s getting better now. He does try, he tries a lot, you probably can’t really tell from today and yesterday.”

“It’s okay,” Evan meant this.

“It’s not,” she disagreed. “He shouldn’t have yelled.”

“Yeah,” Evan admitted. “But I can forget about it if he doesn’t do it again.”

“You’re so nice,” Alana told him.

He really wasn’t.

“Thanks,” he said numbly.

“I gotta go,” she told him.

“Bye.”

He put the phone down and tried very hard not to think about Connor or Zoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who commented on the last chapter! I'm very behind of replies (for both this fic and Life Vest), sorry!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay,” Connor inhaled, seeming to not know the right way to say what he was about to utter. “I’m sorry. I had no right to do that the other day.”
> 
> “Are you gonna yell again because that’s what happened the last time you apologized?” Evan’s voice was filled with a fake bravery. He was fairly certain Connor could see through it. 
> 
> “I know,” Connor looked embarrassed. That was new. “I’m an asshole, sorry.”

Evan didn’t see Alana or the Murphy’s until the next weekend. Alana decided that she wanted to try again at dinner, this time suggesting they go to an actual restaurant. Evan wanted to tell her he couldn’t make it, but he felt like he owed her this much after how the last one went. So, he let her send him directions and made the long walk without complaint.

He could see Connor standing outside once he turned the corner. Three minutes ago Alana had texted him that her and Zoe’s parents had just sat down at their table. Evan didn’t know why Connor wasn’t with them. He’d hoped to avoid being alone with Connor. 

Evan considered waiting until he went inside to go in, but then Connor glanced in his direction. He saw him. There was no going back now.

“Hey,” Connor greeted him.

“Alana said they’re inside,” Evan told him a little curtly. 

“Yeah, I know,” Connor winced. “I meant to catch you going in.”

That explained why he was just standing there. 

“Yeah?” Evan really wasn’t ready for round three of angry Connor. 

“Okay,” Connor inhaled, seeming to not know the right way to say what he was about to utter. “I’m sorry. I had no right to do that the other day.”

“Are you gonna yell again because that’s what happened the last time you apologized?” Evan’s voice was filled with a fake bravery. He was fairly certain Connor could see through it. 

“I know,” Connor looked embarrassed. That was new. “I’m an asshole, sorry.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll make it up to you,” Connor seemed genuine.

“How?” Evan asked warily.

“I don’t fucking know, but I will.” Connor said. “I mean, we’re pretty much stuck with each other.”

Evan nodded, guilt twisting in his stomach. Connor was only stuck with him until everyone realized Evan was a fake. 

“I promise I won’t yell again.” Connor’s voice was softer now, more vulnerable. Evan realized that Connor must have read his silence as fear.

“I believe you,” Evan made his voice as assuring as he could.

“You’re way too nice for your own good,” Connor shook his head. 

“I’m not.”

“Zoe’s lucky,” Connor smiled slightly.

“That I’m nice?” Evan was starting to wonder how bad Zoe’s past relationships really were.

“That you care,” Connor stated.

“All of you seem to care a lot,” Evan tried to minimize. 

“You really don’t know anything about my family,” Connor scoffed.

“Yeah, well, you don’t know how to appreciate what you have,” Evan shot back. It took a second for him to realize the words had actually come out of his mouth. “Oh God. I am so sorry, I can’t believe I said that—”

He was cut off by Connor bursting into laughter.

“Wow,” Connor grinned at him. “I didn’t know you could fight back, Hansen.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Evan told him.

“You should do it more often,” Connor replied.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he smirked. “Maybe I’ll push you around less if you do.”

Evan gave an uneasy laugh. 

“You wanna go inside?” Connor gestured to the restaurant.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded quickly.

Connor lead the way. 

They spotted the table the second they entered. It wasn’t a very large restaurant, to Evan’s immense relief. Alana waved when she saw them. Evan figured she was just glad Connor wasn’t trying to kill him at the moment. 

It took a minute of sitting through a strained conversation for Evan to realize how awkward this was going to be. It was clear that Connor didn’t want to be there. Larry seemed to have better things to do and kept glancing at his phone. While Cynthia and Alana seemed not to comprehend this, and kept trying to engage the too in conversation. 

Connor would respond in a lackluster voice, and occasionally roll his eyes in Evan’s direction. Evan didn’t really get when Connor decided that Evan was now on his side, but being on the inside of knowing looks was a hell of a lot better than being glared at. Evan figured that, if Zoe was there, Connor would be directing this to her. 

The argument started a few minutes after the food was served. Honestly, Evan didn’t know what sparked it. One second everything was fine, the next Cynthia and Larry were emanating enough negative energy to choke the entire table.

That’s what it felt like the air was trying to do, only not to the whole group, just to Evan. It was forcing it’s way under his skin, poisoning him. He felt like he was going to throw up. 

It didn’t help that people were staring.

After a futile attempt to cut in, Alana stood up from her chair and shrugged her jacket on, muttering something about needing to leave. Evan saw her mouth “I’m sorry” at Connor, who over dramatically rolled his eyes. 

“Do you mind?” Connor loudly asked his parents. 

He didn’t get much of a reaction. In Evan’s mind he was following Alana out, but his legs couldn’t get the memo. 

Connor sighed, then glanced at him. Evan saw something change in his expression. He didn’t understand it, but that wasn’t anything new since he really did not understand Connor Murphy.

“You wanna get out of here?” Connor asked him.

Evan felt himself nod. 

He couldn’t talk. He needed to tell Connor that, yes, he’d love to, but unfortunately his feet decided that they no longer worked. He tried to stand up, but his body wasn’t moving. 

The next thing he knew he was being pulled out of his chair and hauled out of the restaurant. 

His surroundings were blurry and hard to focus on, but he understood that Connor was the one pulling him and oddly enough that wasn’t terrifying. 

Connor didn’t stop until they were out on the street. Evan realized that they were standing next to Connor’s car. He hadn’t noticed it parked at the curb before. 

Evan closed his eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Connor’s voice cuts through the darkness.

Evan wanted to nod, but he couldn’t. His breath kept getting faster, when he meant it to slow down. He’d take it slowing to a stop over this. 

That was a bad joke.

His eyes were still closed. He kept trying to count in his head, trying to picture the numbers. When he was younger that helped him relax, and since he never stopped being that version of himself then it should help now.

Through the fog, he could register a hand on his back. It gently rubbed a slow circle. 

Evan focused on the circle.

He opened his eyes. 

“I’m okay,” he uttered, bringing his gaze to meet Connor’s.

“Okay,” Connor took back his hand and opened the door to the passengers seat of his car. “I’ll take you home.”

“You don’t have to—”

“Then it’s a good thing I want to,” Connor ushered him into the door. 

Evan let his body fall into the seat. He expected Connor to start driving away the second his door was closed. Instead Connor just sat next to him, his hands on the wheel and his eyes looking out. Evan realized how over dramatic the past few minutes had been. 

“Thanks,” he said. He usually didn’t have someone to help him through moments like that. He wanted Connor to know it meant something.

“Sometimes Alana gets like that,” Connor murmured. “That’s why she left when shit started.”

Evan nodded.

“This is why Zoe was right to get the hell away from this mess,” Connor said through his teeth. “She did it wrong, but she was right.”

Evan nodded again, not sure what he should say to this. 

“Shit,” Connor groaned. “I’m gonna be late for my night class.”

“Night class?” Evan repeated.

“Yeah,” Connor sighed. 

“I didn’t realize you were still in school,” Evan stated dumbly.

“I took a break of two painfully slow years then realized I was wasting my pathetic excuse for a life,” Connor explained in a monotone. 

“Oh,” Evan uttered.

“I’m trying to be less of a fuck up,” Connor shrugged. 

“That’s good,” Evan told him.

“You sound like Alana,” he laughed. 

Evan liked the idea of Connor trying. He spent so much of the past few months feeling hopeless, and wondering if trying ever got you anywhere. In an odd way, Connor seemed in a similar boat. They both were eerily close to the people they were six years ago, and they both had reason to believe life was going to stay like this for them forever. 

But Connor was trying to change that. Evan wouldn’t admit out loud that this gave him the smallest flicker of hope. 

“I’m taking a gap year,” he told Connor. “I want to be able to pay for school before I get back to it.”

“That’s better than Zoe,” Connor stated. “Sorry, you probably don’t want to here me insult her.”

“You can say what you need to,” Evan tried to sound open. “It’s okay.”

“I’m not an idiot, Hansen,” Connor said dryly. “I’m not gonna talk shit about her in front of her fiancé.”

“I didn’t say to,” Evan mumbled. 

“I understand why she wanted to get away,” Connor voiced. Hell, I probably would have if I could. But she shouldn’t have left school when it would have been so easy for her to actually make something of her life.”

Evan watched an emotion that wasn’t quite anger pass through Connor. He looked regretful, almost as if he was morning some missed opportunity. Evan hadn’t seem him this open before. It was strange. 

“She’s not like me,” Connor said out loud. “She has potential. It’s her own fault she got stuck at a stupid desk job.”

“She’s trying more,” Evan needed Connor to know.

“Good for her,” he didn’t sound sarcastic. “Mom will support whatever she wants to do, however unfair it is.”

“How is support unfair?” Evan asked. 

“It’s not,” Connor’s forehead creased. “It’s just, Zoe doesn’t get that’s it’s hard for the rest of us. Things have changed since high school, but she doesn’t see it.”

“I’m sorry you two aren’t close,” Evan meant this.

“Yeah,” Connor muttered. “I’m sorry I gave you a hard time.”

“You already apologized,” Evan reminded him.

“I know,” he replied. “Just making sure you know I mean it. I wouldn’t really believe me.”

“It’s okay.”

“Honestly, it doesn’t really have anything to do with you,” he added.

“Oh?” Evan gave him a confused look.

“I guess I was just annoyed that you existed in the first place,” Connor said as if this made perfect sense. 

“I don’t understand,” Evan told him.

“I shouldn’t tell you this, but fuck it,” Connor took a breath. “There’s this person I’ve always thought that Zoe would end up with. Okay, maybe not always, but a lot over the past few years. I thought that Zoe would spend another year or so not realizing what she wants, and then they’d fall into each others arms or something stupid like that.”

“Oh,” Evan didn’t know what to say to this information. Was he supposed to be upset? Is that what Connor expected?

“I guess the thought of them not being together doesn’t really sit well with me since I’ve been betting on it for so long,” Connor continued. “Then you come around being so perfect, and I get fucking irritated.”

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. 

“Don’t apologize,” Connor told him. “It has nothing to do with you. Besides, it’s not fair for me to think that when I didn’t act like I gave a shit about her back when she was trying to care about me.”

“She knew you did care.” Evan couldn’t help saying this. He didn’t want Connor to think everything was broken, even if it was. Connor deserved something to hold on to.

“Right,” he scoffed, but it seemed more sad than mocking.

“We should probably go,” Evan voiced. “You’ll be late to your class.”

“Can I ask a favor?” Connor’s tone had changed. 

“Depends what it is,” Evan stammered. 

“Will you go to the hospital with me?” Connor asked plainly. 

“What?”

“I tried going alone,” he said quickly. “It’s weird. And I’d ask Alana, but it’s hard to see her look at Zoe like that. I know what’s going on in her head and I can’t watch it.”

“I’ll go with you,” Evan said. Maybe, he could give Connor that something to hold on to. 

“Thanks, Hansen,” Connor smiled at him. Evan realized that this was the first time he’d seen Connor smile a real, non-mocking smile.

“You can call me Evan, you know?” He said.

“Okay, Evan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So definitely straying away from the movie


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m not stalking you,” Connor started before Evan could ask how he knew what floor to go to. “Alana told me the room number.”
> 
> “You, um, could have just asked me,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “Or asked Alana for my number.”
> 
> He’d promised to go with Connor to visit the hospital that day. However, it was only after Connor had dropped him off that he realized they hadn’t agreed on a time and Connor didn’t know which apartment was Evan’s to pick him up.
> 
> “Yeah. I realized that two seconds ago,” Connor sounded slightly embarrassed.

At nine o’clock in the morning, Evan had just gotten dressed and was about to make coffee. A loud knock on his door nearly caused him to drop his mug. Pretending he had not just jumped at the noise, he set the mug now and walked to his door as calmly as he could.

When he opened it, he was met with a rather sheepish Connor.

“I’m not stalking you,” Connor started before Evan could ask how he knew what floor to go to. “Alana told me the room number.”

“You, um, could have just asked me,” Evan rubbed the back of his neck. “Or asked Alana for my number.”

He’d promised to go with Connor to visit the hospital that day. However, it was only after Connor had dropped him off that he realized they hadn’t agreed on a time and Connor didn’t know which apartment was Evan’s to pick him up.

“Yeah. I realized that two seconds ago,” Connor sounded slightly embarrassed. “You ready?”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. He could go without eating, and honestly shouldn’t be drinking coffee after getting a full night’s sleep anyway. “But don’t visiting hours start at ten?”

“Fuck,” Connor sounded like he was mentally chiding himself. “Really?”

“I think so,” Evan murmured. He knew this for a fact, but he didn’t have to tell Connor that.

“I’m an idiot,” Connor informed him blandly. “Do you want to get breakfast?”

“Sure, why not?” Evan stammered. “I’ll get my wallet.”

“I can cover it,” Connor stopped him.

“No, it’s okay.” Evan didn’t like letting other people pay for him. It made him feel like a burden.

“Hansen, it’s not even my money,” Connor told him with a hint of amusement. “Besides, my parents owe us one.”

Evan thought back to dinner the night before. Maybe Connor had a point. Honestly, Evan shouldn’t be passing on a free meal. He still wasn’t exactly rich and the less money he spent on unnecessary expenses the better.

“If you’re sure,” he gave Connor a chance to change his mind.

“Positive,” Connor nodded once. “Let’s go.”

Evan grabbed his apartment key from the stand next to the door. Connor waited for him to lock it before proceeding down the hallway. Evan matched his strides. He tried not to think the last time that he’d walked down a hallway with Connor it had ended with him pinned against the back wall of an elevator.

Connor promised he wasn’t going to act like that anymore. Evan had never been good at holding grudges, and Connor had been nicer then he expected was possible the night before. It was easier than he thought to push the elevator incident aside.

“I said you can call me Evan,” he reminded Connor as they walked.

“Right,” Connor remembered. “What do you want to eat, Evan?”

“Anything,” he did not want to decide.

“How’s pancakes?” Connor asked.

“Great,” Evan smiled.

“God, I’m going to get fucking nostalgic,” Connor muttered.

“Over pancakes?” Evan questioned.

“How pathetic is that?” Connor laughed mirthlessly.

“You want the honest answer?” Evan joked.

“Okay, shut up,” Connor rolled his eyes.

It wasn’t until they were sitting in a booth at the diner a block away from Evan’s apparent that Connor explained why pancakes were enough to make him reminisce. In the back of his mind, Evan realized that he’d heard enough stories from the Murphy’s and Alana to put together a picture of what their lives were like back before Zoe decided to distance herself. If he was being brutally honest, he now knew Zoe better than he had when she was awake and talking to him durning coffee breaks.

“Zoe and I used to sneak out to this pancake house down the block for where we were living,” Connor explained.

“Sneak out?” Evan questioned.

“I was twelve, she was ten and not supposed to leave the house alone,” he added. “I’d take twenty bucks from my dad’s wallet on Saturday nights, and she’d make sure that both of my parents were gone before we ran down the street.”

“That sounds fun,” Evan voiced. He’d never had the guts to do anything like that as a kid. Not that he’d had the partner in crime either.

“It was,” Connor agreed. His smile faltered. “Only lasted a year.”

“Did you get caught?” Evan wondered.

“No, I just,” Connor winced. “Just stopped knowing how to have fun.”

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Evan told him.

“No, I’ll just drop a bag of emotions on your head,” Connor said dryly.

“If you want to we can,” Evan allowed.

“You’re not my therapist,” Connor interjected.

“But we can also talk about something else if it’s easier,” Evan finished.

“Okay,” Connor nodded.

“What class did you have last night?” Evan decided this was his cue to change the subject.

“Math,” Connor answered. “I’m only taking it because I was stupid about getting rid of the credits early.”

“I think it’s required for most people,” Evan stated. “What’s your major?”

“Secondary education.”

“You’re gonna be a teacher?” That surprised Evan to say the least.

“What?” Connor’s walls were up faster than Evan thought was possible. His voice was defensive. Evan should have hid the surprise. Of course Connor would take it the wrong way.

“No, I just didn’t expect that,” Evan tried to justify.

“Because how the fuck is someone who barely passed high school supposed to teach anyone?” Connor demanded through gritted teeth.

“No, that’s not what I was thinking,” Evan sputtered.

“It’s fine, that’s what everyone says,” Connor muttered darkly.

“I was going to say that’s cool,” Evan got out.

Connor’s expression changed. It still wasn’t soft, it was like he was weighing whether or not to listen to Evan.

“Seriously?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “I’d never be able to do that.”

“Why?” The malice was gone now.

“I couldn’t talk that much for that long,” Evan attempted to explain.

“It’s not just talking,” Connor informed him. “There’s criteria.”

“Even if I know what to say, I can’t always say it.” Evan wasn’t sure why he was telling Connor this much.

“Because of the anxiety?” Connor asked.

“You can tell,” Evan occasionally hoped that not everyone could see how much it stood in his way.

“It’s kinda obvious,” Connor didn’t help.

“Great,” Evan mumbled. “Nothing’s changed since high school.”

“So, you’re going to find some career that doesn’t involve talking?” Connor seemed genuinely curious.

“No, well, kinda?” Evan took a second to figure out how to articulate this. “Sometimes it’s okay. I just need to know my limits, if that makes sense.”

“It does,” Connor told him. “That’s the same way Alana is.”

“She talks to you about it?” Evan asked.

“No. She hates looking like she’s not in control,” Connor admitted. “Which is probably why we get along so well. I just try to be there when she needs someone.”

Evan wished he had someone like that.

“Are you guys dating?” he wondered.

Connor bursted into a loud laugh.

“That wasn’t supposed to be a joke,” Evan stated, not confident that half of the restaurant was staring at them.

“I’m gay,” Connor said casually.

“Oh,” Evan tried very hard not to look surprised. “I’m not good at being able to tell that sort of stuff.”

“Alana’s practically family,” Connor said through his continued laughter.

“Sorry,” Evan could feel himself redden.

“Don’t be,” Connor told him. “My parents have been convinced we’re secretly hooking up for years.”

“Oh,” Evan really had no words to that.

“I have a key to her place, and sometimes we sleep in the same bed, but dating her would be like dating a cousin or something,” Connor explained.

“Right,” Evan understood.

“I mean, it’s funny when people do think we’re a thing,” Connor added. “Since Zoe and I were the first people she came out to and she’s the only person who completely acknowledges that I like guys.”

“I’m, um, I don’t really know what my sexuality is,” Evan found himself voicing. “I know it’s not straight, but I don’t like labeling it since once you do it’s like people expect you to act a certain way.”

“That’s such a bisexual thing to say,” Connor commented with a smirk.

“Shut up,” Evan laughed as well.

“Actually that makes a lot of sense,” Connor added thoughtfully.

“Why?” Evan asked.

“Because Zoe,” Connor stopped himself. “Um, never mind. What are you ordering?”

“I was just gonna copy you,” Evan didn’t hide.

“That’s stupid I might get something inedible,” Connor dismissed.

“I don’t think restaurants serve inedible things,” Evan pointed out

Connor glanced at the menu in front of him before declaring: “Pineapple pancakes.”

“I stand corrected,” Evan laughed.

“I’ll order for you,” Connor said gently. “Just tell me what you want.”

“Thanks.”

There was no way Evan was going to be able to hold a grudge against Connor.

* * *

Evan led the way to the room, he’d only been their twice but that was still more than Connor. Not to mention, he wasn’t sure Connor would make it there were someone not leading him. Evan could feel how nervous he was. The laughter from breakfast had died down completely.

Until they made it to the hospital, Evan had tried to keep the conversation as far for serious as he could. He told Connor random facts that he wasn’t sure he’d be able to voice without feeling judged on any other occasion. Connor didn’t seem to mind that Evan rambled. In fact, he looked like he was listening. Most people either tuned Evan out or informed him he was babbling.

“The flowers are nice,” Evan voiced as they approached the room.

Connor was holding the same purple flowers he had brought the last time. Evan watched him glance down at them with a numb expression.

“They’re pointless,” he said blandly.

“I don’t think so,” Evan told him.

“She can’t see them,” Connor dismissed. “We only bring them because it makes us feel better.”

“If she was awake—”

“She’s think they were trivial,” Connor finished.

“Why’d you bring them then?” Evan asked.

“Because it makes me feel better,” Connor admitted. “Same reason why my mom does, I’m just a bit more honest about being selfish.”

“I like them,” Evan decided.

“Of course you do,” Connor rolled his eyes.

Connor entered the room first. Evan followed, then realized maybe he should have stayed outside for a bit. He hovered at the door, watching Connor replaced the withering flowers at Zoe’s bedside with the ones he had brought.

“Do you want to be alone?” Evan asked.

“What for?” Connor glanced at him.

“I don’t know,” Evan took this as his cue to step further into the room. “If there’s something private you want to say to her?”

“What’s the point? She can’t hear me,” Connor scoffed, sitting down next to the bed.

“You don’t know that,” Evan took the second chair. “She might.”

“There’s a lot I want to say,” Connor confessed. “But I’m not going to say any of it until I know for sure she’s listening.”

“That makes sense,” Evan nodded.

They were silent for a while after that. Connor’s eyes were on Zoe, Evan’s were on Connor. He couldn’t look at Zoe right now. Doing that would make thoughts he was trying to keep at bay rush back to him. He didn’t need that at this moment. Connor wasn’t the only selfish one.

“She’s calmer than I thought,” Connor murmured after a while.

“She’s sleeping,” Evan voiced only because he felt like Connor needed him to say something.

“I’ve only seen nightmares,” Connor admitted softly. “You think she can dream?”

“I don’t know.” A long, stretched out dream didn’t seem nice to Evan. Were he in Zoe’s shoes, he’d rather it just be darkness. “You can ask her when she wakes up.”

“You’re not, um,” Connor broke off. His voice was a whisper now, and his eyes weren’t on Zoe anymore. “Aren’t you scared she won’t?”

“Her doctor’s said—”

“Evan, I’ve had doctors tell me shit my entire life,” Connor said darkly. “What if this is it?”

This wasn’t the Connor who had yelled at Evan in the elevator. This man was soft, vulnerable, and so close to being broken. Evan had to help him. He’d never been the strong one before, but Connor needed someone to stop him from falling.

It didn’t matter that Zoe waking up meant that the person Evan was trying to ground would go back to hating him. He’d push away that thought for this moment. He’d push away the truth that the only reason he was here was through a lie.

“It’s not,” Evan said firmly.

“But what if—”

“Everything is going to be alright,” he took hold of Connor’s hand.

“You don’t know that,” Connor breathed.

“Yes I do,” Evan pressed.

Connor closed his eyes. He squeezed Evan’s hand. He was trying very hard not to cry, to push away his emotions. Evan watched something win over. He wasn’t sure what until Connor opened his eyes again.

“There was this time when we were kids,” Connor said shakily. “Mom was on this trip with her friends, and Dad was working late so we were pretty much on our own for the night.”

He looked at Evan’s hand that still had hold of his.

“Go on,” Evan squeezed his hand.

“And it was raining—no, there was this huge fucking storm,” Connor was starting to ground himself. “We thought the house was going to blow away.”

Evan laughed softly.

“I didn’t like the lightning,” Connor went on. “I thought it was going to hit the tree in our backyard. But Zoe was scared of the thunder.”

“Loud noises?” Evan could relate to that.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded. “She was really scared actually. So I decided that I was going to be the brave one. It was probably the only time that ever worked.”

He took a breath. The fear in his eyes was fading into something else. Evan squeezed his hand again, reminding Connor he was still here. Connor wasn’t alone.

“She kept trying to hide in our parents room, but I got her to come to mine since I didn’t like to go in there.” Connor’s voice had less of a waver now. “I remember piling pillows around her. She kinda calmed down a bit, but every time she heard the thunder she’d start freaking out again.”

“Yeah?” Evan encouraged.

“So, I sang to her,” Connor smiled. “At first it was the lullabies Mom used to sing when we couldn’t sleep. Then I ran out of those, but had to keep going because she sort of relaxed when she heard my voice. I sang all these random songs, I didn’t stop until hours past and my dad finally got home.”

“You’re a good brother,” Evan told him.

“I was at one point,” his voice wasn’t as far off as it had been a second ago. “Do you really think she can hear us?”

“I hope so.” Maybe she’d take pity on Evan if she could.

Connor nodded. Then he opened his mouth.

Evan didn’t know the song. If he did, he may have been able to catch hold of the words. But right now the only thing he could register was Connor’s voice.

It was gentle, higher than he expected. There was an innocence to it—an innocence he never would have associated with Connor.

He realized that this voice didn’t belong to the Connor in front of him. This was childhood Connor trying to reach his little sister. This was Connor turning back time just for a moment, just long enough for Zoe to hear him.

It was beautiful. And it was heartbreaking.

* * *

“So, you know my parents are gonna try to take over the wedding, right?” Connor informed him as they walked back to his car.

“Wedding?” Evan blinked. Then he wanted to slap himself.

“Once things are back on track,” Connor added, not noticing Evan’s slip up.

“Yeah, right,” Evan nodded.

“Did you set a day?” Connor asked.

“No. We don’t really know when,” Evan tried to justify. “She wasn’t ready to tell people.”

“Probably because she remembered we’re a family of control freaks,” Connor joked.

“Probably,” Evan laughed.

“Then again, Alana might take it upon herself to help,” Connor said in a weary voice.

“And by help you mean—”

“Drive you absolutely crazy,” he finished for Evan.

“She can plan it,” Evan shrugged. “She’ll do a better job than me.”

“You say that now, but when there’s a giant box of glitter you will change your mind,” Connor warned.

“What?” Evan gaped.

“Family parties are a nightmare when she’s invited,” Connor said dryly.

They both laughed.

“I didn’t tell her my birthday for two years solely because I did not want to deal with that side of her,” Connor told him.

“Well maybe you should plan it then,” Evan decided.

“Funny,” Connor rolled his eyes.

“You’ll have to do something,” Evan started.

“Weddings aren’t my scene,” Connor crossed his arms. “You’ll be lucky if I show up.”

“But you want to be closer to Zoe,” Evan reminded him.

“I had no idea you could be manipulative,” Connor teased.

“It’s one of my hidden talents,” Evan grinned.

“Fine, I’ll be her bridesmaid,” Connor deadpanned. “Happy?”

“Does that mean you’ll wear a dress?” Evan asked.

“I take it back,” Connor laughed. “I’ll be her best man, since you obviously do not wear the pants in your relationship.”

“Hey—”

“Don’t tell me it’s not true,” he smirked.

“Shut up,” Evan rolled his eyes.

“I’ll be best man, you can have one of your friends be bridesmaid,” Connor decided.

“Well, I think Jared still has that dress,” Evan considered.

“What?” Connor blinked.

“It’s a long and really weird story,” Evan told him.

“I gather.”

“Basically Jared wore a dress to a family party,” he explained.

“Seriously?” Connor snorted.

“Actually, it’s not that long of a story,” Evan realized.

“Evan, I, um,” Connor’s tone was different now. Evan had hoped that they wouldn’t go back to seriousness. “I noticed Zoe didn’t have a ring.”

Evan didn’t know what to say.

“It’s okay,” Connor said quickly. “I know this isn’t the best time, financially.”

“Yeah,” Evan murmured.

“I’m not going to judge you on money,” Connor told him. “If you can’t afford it that’s perfectly understandable.”

“Thanks,” Evan looked at his shoes.

Joking about the wedding that would never happen didn’t make it feel real. This did. He couldn’t handle going back to reality today.

“But, if when she wakes up you want to give her a diamond,” Connor started.

“You don’t have to,” Evan told him.

“You could just pay me back when you get super successful,” Connor said in a lighter voice.

“Right,” Evan tried to laugh.

“The no ring thing was kinda the reason I freaked out at you the other day,” Connor added numbly.

“It makes it look like I don’t care or I’m—”

Lying.

“I jumped to conclusions,” Connor dismissed. “I’m an ass.”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” Evan voiced.

“You didn’t mean to propose?” Connor asked.

“Yeah,” Evan would go with that. “It sort of just, came out.”

“That’s cute,” Connor said.

“What?”

“You’re spontaneous,” he smiled at him. “It’s fucking adorable.”

“Shut up,” Evan murmured.

He felt a blush warming his face, but didn’t understand why Connor’s grin was doing that to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I like Connor can sing aus


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know, you’re not actually my brother.” Connor added, his walls were trying to build themselves back up. 
> 
> “I’m not trying to act like I am,” Evan said truthfully.
> 
> “I mean it’s not your job to pretend that you fucking give a damn.” There was so much venom in Connor’s voice, but Evan knew it wasn’t meant for him. Not really.
> 
> “Good, ‘cause I’m not pretending,” Evan matched. In a softer tone he added: “Look, we’re not family, not really, but maybe we can be friends?”
> 
> Connor was quiet for a second. Evan held his breath. 
> 
> “Sure,” Connor was whispering again. “Whatever.”

Evan received a text from Alana a week after his and Connor’s trip to the hospital informing him that Cynthia was calling a “family meeting” and would like him to be there too. Since Alana counted as family, it wasn’t that surprising that he did as well. Still, he wasn’t jumping at the prospect of being with everyone at once. 

He hadn’t seen the rest of the Murphy’s since the second dinner disaster (as he was mentally calling it). Connor made himself less of a stranger. After visiting Zoe, he volunteered himself to drive Evan to and from work. When Evan had tried to tell him that the walk wasn’t too far, he’d added that he was offering more to settle is own paranoia than anything. 

He couldn’t argue at that. While the office building was in a relatively safe neighborhood, that hadn’t stopped Zoe from being attacked there. Evan doubted that he’d run in to trouble in the area ever again, but if it made Connor feel better he was glad for the lift. 

It was nice to spend time with Connor, even if it was just for a ten minute drive. They never talked about anything serious. Sometimes they didn’t talk at all. It seemed so incredibly casual and Evan loved that. He wasn’t used to people wanting to be around him, or not being bothered by his presence. 

Evan was brought back to the present by his phone ringing. He didn’t recognize the number, but decided to answer anyway incase it was an emergency. That prospect wasn’t as far off as it once had felt. 

“Don’t go,” a familiar voice instructed as soon as he picked up. 

“How did you get my number?” he asked Connor.

“Alana.”

“Of course, stupid question,” Evan had meant to give Connor his number anyway but hadn’t found a way to broach the subject. Connor’s words finally registered in his head. “What were you saying?”

“It’ll be a waste of your time, trust me.” 

Connor was talking about the family meeting. If he wasn’t going to be there, Evan wouldn’t either. He doubted that he’d be able to survive it without him. He would have voiced this, but that wasn’t what was important right now.

Evan had heard a waver in Connor’s voice. He sounded hoarse, but not like he’d contracted a cold. Something was wrong, and Evan doubted it was Connor’s mother’s idea of a get together.

“Connor,” he started.

“Alana always falls for that crap,” Connor went on. He sounded like he was breathing heavily, like he needed to force air into his lungs. “I thought I should give you the heads up.”

“Okay, I won’t go,” Evan assured him.

“Good.”

Evan didn’t know how to keep Connor on the line, but he knew that hanging up was the worst thing that either of them could do. 

“Are you okay?” he blurted. 

That was probably the second worst thing he could have done. 

“I’m fucking brilliant,” Connor spat, confirming Evan’s irritation at himself.

“Connor—”

“I really don’t want to talk,” he told him bitterly. “I just owed you a warning about the family shit.”

“Where are you?” Evan asked too quickly.

“That’s not any of your fucking business, is it?” Connor was closing himself off. He still didn’t trust Evan. Being hurt by that fact could wait. 

“You’re worrying me,” Evan confessed. 

“I,” Connor was choking on his words. Evan didn’t need to see him to know this was happening. “I’m at my apartment. I’m fine.”

There was no way Evan could believe that. 

“Can I come over?” He asked.

“Hansen—”

“You don’t sound fine, Connor,” his voice had too much emotion, too much fear. Connor was going to hang up. He was going to hang up and then do something reckless and there was nothing Evan could do to stop him.

“I can text you directions if you want,” Connor whispered.

“Yeah,” Evan breathed. “I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

“You know, you’re not actually my brother.” Connor added, his walls were trying to build themselves back up. 

“I’m not trying to act like I am,” Evan said truthfully.

“I mean it’s not your job to pretend that you fucking give a damn.” There was so much venom in Connor’s voice, but Evan knew it wasn’t meant for him. Not really.

“Good, ‘cause I’m not pretending,” Evan matched. In a softer tone he added: “Look, we’re not family, not really, but maybe we can be friends?”

Connor was quiet for a second. Evan held his breath. 

“Sure,” Connor was whispering again. “Whatever.”

He hung up, but a few seconds later Evan received a text with the building address and Connor’s number. He called a taxi. For the first time in what felt like his entire life, he was too worried for stammering to get in the way of the phone call. The second he was told that a cab was on it’s way to his location, he was running out the door.

He didn’t talk to the driver aside from telling him the address. There was too much on Evan’s mind to worry about attempting small talk. All he could focus on was Connor. 

Alana said he was getting better, but Evan had seen him with emotions unchecked. It scared Evan to be the target of that aggression. What scared him more was Connor directing that at himself. 

Evan was always so much harder on himself than on others. Connor didn’t seem much different in that respect. 

Connor’s door wasn’t locked. That in itself was concerning. In any other circumstance Evan would knock and wait outside anyway, but he had a feeling Connor wouldn’t come to it. Hesitantly, he made his way into the apartment.

The first room was a kitchen and dining room. Evan walked through this into a small hallway that held two doors. One was open and displayed a bathroom. The other was closed. He assumed this held a bedroom. This was probably where Connor was now. 

Evan knocked softly before entering.

Connor was sitting in the middle of the bed, clothed in a large gray t-shirt and shorts. His blankets were on the floor. His eyes were red. Evan guessed he had been like this since he woke up.

He glanced up at Evan when the door opened, but his body remained closed in on itself. This was the Connor that matched the song he’d sang the week before. This Connor was small, innocent, and completely defenseless. 

Evan sat on the edge of the bed. 

“I didn't think you were gonna show up,” Connor whispered. 

“I said I would,” Evan reminded him. 

“Yeah, well I’ve learned not to trust people when they promise that,” Connor said softly. “You get hurt less that way.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Evan asked. They needed to start somewhere.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Hansen,” Connor’s arms tightened their grip around his legs. These were the walls. 

“Evan,” he corrected. 

“Whatever,” Connor looked at his bedsheets. 

“What’s wrong?” Evan whispered. 

“It’s nothing,” Connor shook his head in a furious motion. “I’m just being an attention hog again. Like always. Seriously, ignore me.”

“Connor.” Evan put his hand on top of Connor’s clenched fist. He watched Connor flinch, but not pull away. 

“It’s not a big deal, okay?” his voice was getting more desperate. “I’m just trying to fucking ruin everything for everyone else.”

“I don’t believe that,” Evan told him. “Not for a second.”

“Then you’re naive,” Connor muttered.

“Maybe I am,” Evan allowed. “But I don’t think you’re trying to hurt anyone. I think you’re the one who’s hurt and you’re not letting anyone help you.”

Connor laughed darkly. Evan moved further onto the bed. His hands traveled to Connor’s shoulders, forcing Connor to look at him. 

“Connor.” He needed Connor to see he was here, he was going to leave because Connor didn’t think he was worth it.

“Zoe would have got it,” Connor closed his eyes. 

“I’m sorry?” Evan whispered. 

“She could always see through this shit,” Connor grabbed Evan’s hands, pulling them off of him. 

“Please,” Evan didn’t move. 

“She’d be able to see that I’m just being a fucking waste of space,” Connor was so close to screaming.

“You’re not,” Evan forced the words to come out.

“Because that’s all I’ve ever fucking been for her,” Connor’s voice shook.

“Stop it!”

Evan had meant to shout. He’d meant to stay calm, to let Connor hold onto something calm. But now Connor was staring at him as if Evan had just tried to hit him. Every fiber of Evan screamed to run now. But he wasn’t going to let himself leave. He wasn’t going to leave until Connor was smiling again. 

“You’re in over your head,” Connor murmured. “Go away.”

“No,” Evan’s voice was steady now. It sounded stronger than he was.

He needed to talk Connor back to earth. There was only one way to do that. 

“Zoe,” Evan started. “Zoe doesn’t think you’re a waste of space.”

“Right,” Connor scoffed.

“I’m telling the truth,” he lied.

“I spent so much of my life trying to hurt her,” Connor said bitterly. “There is no way in hell she still cares about me.”

“She loves you,” Evan told him.

“She needed space from Alana and my parents, but she left because she wanted to forget me.” Connor closed his eyes, Evan realized he was trying to hide tears. 

“She talked about you,” he blurted.

“What?” Connor blinked up at him.

“All the time,” Evan stammered. “Okay, not all the time, but a lot. More than other people.”

“Stop trying to make me feel better,” Connor shook his head.

“She thought you were amazing,” Evan continued.

“Really?” There was a little less doubt in his voice now. Evan could get through to him.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“How?” Connor asked.

“What?” Evan stuttered.

“How the hell did my sister think I was amazing?” his voice was harsher now.

“She, um,” Evan needed to think fast. 

“That’s what I thought,” Connor dismissed.

“She told me about your voice!” Evan blurted.

“My voice?” Connor looked confused.

Evan could talk about this. There were words already formed in his head about it, he just needed to make them from Zoe instead. It was lying. It was probably the worst of all the lying he’d done, but Connor needed this. Connor needed something.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Back when you would sing. She wasn’t sure if you still did, but when you were younger and you would sing to her like during the storm you were talking about. She missed you singing.”

“She didn’t,” Connor didn’t sound so sure of himself.

“She said your voice was the most beautiful thing she ever heard,” Evan kept going. “It’s peaceful, but there’s so much emotion in it. Instead of lashing out, the pain just sort of settles, and you can hear it, but it doesn’t hurt it just reminds you that life does hurt. You make people feel like they’re not alone.”

“She said that?” Connor whispered.

“Yeah,” Evan felt his heart racing, but tried very hard not to think about it. 

“I haven’t sung to her since we were kids,” Connor voiced numbly.

“She wanted you to again, but she didn’t know how to ask,” Evan justified.

“I thought she didn’t want to talk to me,” Connor said sadly. 

“She didn’t know how,” Evan repeated. 

“I scared her.”

“No, it’s not that you scared her,” he said quickly. “It’s that she was scared of making a mistake and ruining things. She said it was impossible to be scared of you.”

Because it was, wasn’t it? Connor could be mean, he could seem dangerous, but he wasn’t really. He was just scared, for both himself and the people around him. 

“She used to—”

“Anymore I mean,” Evan cut him off. “You hide your soft side less than you once did.”

He knew that was true, but Connor was still looking at him with disbelief. 

“She told me about how you took care of the people you cared about,” Evan said. “It’s subtle, but you always can tell when someone isn’t okay. Like Alana—like me the other day.”

“It’s only because I’m messed up enough to recognized when other people need help.” Connor was trying to hold onto the pain, but Evan could tell it was slipping ever so slightly.

“And not everyone tries to help,” he knew this all too well. “But you do.”

“Not always.”

“When it counts you do.” This was true. “When it counts you’re always there.”

“Did she say anything else?” he asked in a smaller voice. He sounded hopeful.

“Yeah, she said a lot of things,” Evan told him quickly.

“Like?” Connor prompted.

“Oh, sorry, she um,” Evan looked at Connor. He needed to think of some detail that made Connor amazing. Not that Evan thought he was. Not like that. Oh, God, he thought of Connor like— “She liked your hair!”

“What?”

“It’s long, and most guys wouldn’t grow their hair out because then people would judge them but you don’t care. You look the way you want to, and she thought you looked good—she thought it was good!” Evan quickly corrected. “That you think like that…”

“I didn’t realize she paid attention,” Connor murmured.

Evan didn’t realize he’d paid this much attention. But he wasn’t making anything up, not really. This wasn’t from Zoe, it was from him. Everything he noticed about Connor—everything he liked about Connor wasn’t a lie. 

“And you know that look you get when your parents or Alana are talking to much and it’s kinda annoying but no one knows how to tell them to stop?” Evan remembered the first time Connor had looked at him like they were on the same side.

“I think so?” Connor creased his forehead.

“But you only show that look to one person,” Evan continued. “So, it’s like you’re letting them in on a joke. It makes them feel like they’re apart of something.”

“It’s just be being a prick,” Connor tried to brush off.

“But it’s not, because you’re not.” Evan said firmly. 

Connor looked at him. Evan smiled as warmly as he could. Connor’s grip around himself loosened. The walls were coming down.  

“Then there’s how confident you are about your sexuality.” The words came out on their own. “You don’t apologize for being yourself.”

“She doesn’t either,” Connor stated.

“And she got it from you,” Evan replied.

“She said that?”

“Yeah,” he lied. “A lot of times.”

“Was she ever going to tell me any of this?” Connor asked.

“She wanted to,” Evan stammered. “When she was done needing space.”

“Right,” Connor nodded.

“Connor,” Evan started. “Can we go into another room?”

“Why?”

“I think you’d feel better if you ate something,” Evan explained. “Or had coffee.”

“I really don’t want to cook,” Connor admitted.

“I’ll make it,” Evan decided. “Just sit in your kitchen, okay?”

“Okay,” Connor agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF I COULD TELL HER, TELL HER EVERYTHING I SEE


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You’re fucking perfect,” Connor informed him.
> 
> “I’m not,” Evan heard himself mumble.
> 
> I’m lying to you right now.
> 
> “You’re the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever seen,” Connor’s eyes held an emotion Evan didn’t understand.

Evan made two cups of coffee before looking through Connor’s fridge for something edible. There wasn’t much. He decided just to go with eggs. He just wanted to make sure Connor ate something.

“I get why she said yes,” Connor voiced from the kitchen table. 

“Hmm?” Evan glanced at him. 

“I thought you guys were jumping into things,” he chuckled. “But how could you not?”

“I’m not following,” Evan admitted. He cracked two eggs on Connor’s frying pan. 

“No, you’re probably not,” Connor murmured. 

“Connor,” Evan gave him a concerned look. 

“It’s just,” Connor searched for the right words. “If I were her, I’d do anything to keep you.”

“Oh?” Evan felt his breath catch. 

“You’re fucking perfect,” Connor informed him.

“I’m not,” Evan heard himself mumble.

_I’m lying to you right now._

“You’re the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever seen,” Connor’s eyes held an emotion Evan didn’t understand.

“I’m a thing?” Evan tried to joke.

“I meant it endearingly,” Connor laughed. 

“Right,” Evan smiled. 

He finished preparing the food. Connor pointed out the cupboard his plates were in. Evan divided the eggs onto two plates and took them to the table.

“Thank you.” The emotion was still in Connor’s eyes.

“It’s just eggs,” Evan said lightly.

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Connor held his gaze.

“Yeah, I know,” Evan tried to smile again.

They ate in silence. Evan didn’t like it. He needed something to keep him from thinking, but Connor seemed like he needed a second to breath in silence. 

“We should call your mom,” Evan remembered.

“Why?” Connor asked dully.

“Tell her we’re rain checking on the family talk,” Evan explained. He realized that Connor probably didn’t give forewarning when he skipped family plans. 

“I’ll do it,” he volunteered anyway. “I’m used to being the disappointment.”

“Please don’t call yourself that,” Evan’s voice was close to begging.

“It’s a joke,” Connor sighed.

“It’s not true,” Evan told him anyway. “You realized this wasn’t the life you wanted so you picked yourself up. That’s the opposite of disappointing.”

“Did I look picked up an hour ago?” Connor scoffed.

“No,” Evan admitted. “But you can’t do everything on your own.”

“I’ll call her,” Connor stood from his chair.

“Okay.”

“I’ll say we were at the hospital late last night,” he decided. 

“Good idea,” Evan voiced.

He watched Connor leave the room. He pushed the eggs around with his fork. He didn’t feel like eating anymore. He just wanted Connor to get out of the bed and away from the thoughts keeping him there.

He wanted to help Connor because Connor deserved someone helping him. It wasn’t because Connor had a beautiful voice or because his hair was long. It wasn’t because Evan wanted something from him. 

He didn’t want anything from him.

“She’s mad,” Connor announced as he walked back into the room.

“I’m sorry,” Evan meant this.

“It’s fine.” Connor looked broken again. 

“What did she say?” Evan stood up.

“What? No, this isn’t because—I mean, she just told me that we need to take care of each other. The usual sort of crap. That’s not why—” Connor’s voice caught.

Evan was around the table faster than he thought he could move. From there he didn’t know what to do. It felt wrong to touch Connor.

“She’s paying for all of our shit,” Connor choked out.

Evan knew he meant Zoe. Connor squeezed his eyes shut, but he wasn’t fast enough to stop the tears. Slowly, Evan put his hand on Connor’s shoulder. He remembered the way Connor had soothed him away from a panic attack. 

“That’s not how it works,” he murmured. 

He moved his other hand to Connor’s back, gently running his fingers back and forth. Connor collapsed into him. 

“How do you know?” he asked into Evan’s shoulder. “She’s made maybe one mistake in her life. I can’t count how many I have.”

“That’s what growing up is,” Evan whispered. 

“She’s paying for my fuck ups,” Connor insisted. 

“No,” Evan shook his head. “Stop thinking that. It’s not true.”

“You’re too nice,” Connor laughed mirthlessly.

“I’m really not,” Evan breathed. 

“My whole like everyone’s been fucked,” Connor’s hands clenched in Evan’s t-shirt. “Everyone but Zoe. She doesn’t deserve it. I do.”

“Neither of you do,” Evan pulled away from Connor to look him in the eyes. 

“What if she doesn’t wake up?” There was so much fear in those eyes. 

“She will,” Evan said as steadily as he could. 

“You keep saying that, but how can you fucking know?” Connor demanded. 

“Because there are things you need to say to her,” Evan squeezed Connor’s shoulders, he needed to ground him as much as he could. “She won’t leave without hearing it.”

Connor took a shaky breath. He nodded slowly. He took his arms back from Evan’s shirt, and used the back of his hands to wipe away the tears that showed no sigh of stopping. 

“It’s okay to cry,” Evan murmured. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes it made everything worse, but sometimes it helped.

“Hansen,” Connor said in a voice that was close to stable. 

“Evan,” he corrected. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor breathed.

“For what?” Evan couldn’t imagine Connor owing him an apology for anything. Not now at least.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with my break down,” Connor sounded almost embarrassed. 

“I said I wanted to be your friend,” Evan reminded him.

“This is way beyond a friend’s job description,” Connor tried to laugh. 

“Then I want to be your best friend,” Evan decided. “Aside from Alana.”

“Okay,” Connor smiled a sad smile. “Only if I can be yours.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded. “You already are.”

“I was so mean to you,” Connor said hoarsely. 

“You didn’t trust me because you love Zoe and want the best for her,” Evan brushed off. “I don’t hold that against you.”

“I was a jerk in high school too,” Connor reminded him.

“It was high school,” Evan minimized.

“Evan?” Connor looked small again. Which was only a little funny now that they were standing and he was a good few inches taller than Evan.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Will you stay a bit longer?” Connor voiced this plea as if he was asking Evan for the world. Evan wasn’t about to leave anyway. Not until Connor stopped crying.

“As long as you need someone here,” Evan told him.

“Thanks,” Connor whispered. 

Evan hugged him. For a moment, the world around them didn’t exist. For a moment, nothing was trying to hurt Connor. Evan wished he could keep things like this. But Evan wouldn’t get to see Connor when he was finally happy. Because that meant that his sister would be awake, and he’d never speak to Evan again after that.

* * *

“You what?”

Evan didn’t need to see Jared to tell he was gaping at him through his phone. 

“I like Connor,” he repeated meekly.

He’d gotten home an hour ago. It was late, but Jared never slept and who else was Evan going to talk to about this? 

He’d spent the entire day trying to distract Connor from his emotions and himself from the emotions twisting inside of him. They watched movies, ordered over priced food, and pretended that the world wasn’t falling apart outside. For more moments than he cared to admit, Evan lapsed into believing the pretense. 

He enjoyed it too much. Connor’s presence was addicting. The look he gave Evan when all his walls were finally down and he wasn’t afraid Evan was judging him or lying to him was addicting. 

But Evan was lying. He was lying about being anything more than a coworker to Zoe, he was lying about knowing what she wanted said to him, and he was lying about wanting to be Connor’s friend. 

Because he wanted Connor to sing to him. He wanted Connor to give him that look that made Evan feel in on some private joke. He wanted to be Connor’s everything. 

He had thought he loved Zoe. Maybe he had, but could he really love someone he didn’t know? They talked, and he liked talking to her, but maybe he was just lonely and wanted to feel something. 

The problem was now he did feel something and it hurt. 

“You like your fake fiancé’s brother,” Jared summed up.

“Don’t say it like that,” Evan groaned.

He was awful. Absolutely awful.

“How else do you say it?” Jared laughed. 

“I don’t know,” he just wanted to sink into the floor and stay there forever. 

Then again, if he sank into his apartment floor he’d just fall into someone else’s room. That was almost worse. He liked to think about something—anything—being worse than the situation he’d landed himself in. 

“Connor Murphy,” Jared was still laughing.

“I didn’t mean to,” Evan was saying this a lot lately. “He’s just.”

“Hot?”

“Well, yeah,” he begrudgingly agreed.

“Oh my God,” Jared emphasized each word.

“But that’s not why,” Evan sputtered.

“Just pick one of the Murphy siblings and stick to it,” Jared exclaimed. 

“He cares about everyone he just doesn’t think he’s good enough,” Evan voiced.

He wanted to be the one who convinced Connor otherwise. He wanted to show Connor how amazing he was, but how could he? If he told Connor the truth, Connor would hate him. If he told Connor he had feelings for him, Connor would hate him. If he ran away and pretended none of this ever happened, Connor would still hate him.

“Didn’t he push you down the stairs in high school?” Jared asked.

“No,” Evan said through gritted teeth. “He shoves me into lockers once.”

“That’s still bad,” Jared voiced.

“I don’t think he meant to,” Evan didn’t really remember being upset about it. Knowing him, he’d probably even apologized for being in Connor’s way. “Everyone blew it out of proportion.”

“Right,” Jared’s voice was dry. 

“By everyone I mean you,” Evan informed him.

“So did he apologize for being a dick?” Jared asked. 

“Actually, he did,” Evan blanched. 

“And that go you swooning,” Jared assumed.

“He has everything together,” Evan defended his emotions. “He just doubts himself so much that it crumbles.”

“Perfect misunderstood hero,” Jared still thought this was funny.

“ _He_ thinks _I’m_ perfect,” Evan didn’t mean to say out loud.

“That’s funny."

“He’s going to hate me,” he mumbled. 

“Oh, definitely,” Jared heard him.

“You’re not helping,” Evan muttered. 

“You lied about dating his sister,” Jared said as if Evan needed a reminder.

“I didn’t lie—”

“Right,” Jared laughed.

“I didn’t mean to,” Evan corrected. “He’s going to hate me.” 

“So you gonna make a move before or after Zoe wakes up and tells everyone you’re a fucking stalker?” Jared asked indelicately. 

“I’m not going to tell him,” Evan said firmly. He couldn’t do that to Connor. 

“Of course you’re not,” Jared sighed. 

“He thinks I’m in love with Zoe,” Evan stated. 

“Because that’s what you told him,” Jared replied. 

“I need to go.” This really wasn’t helping. 

“Good luck, you need it,” Jared said before hanging up. He’d learned a while ago that it was better to hang up on Evan than to wait for Evan to be able to press the end button. 

“Yeah,” Evan mumbled to himself. 

Luck wasn’t going to do him any good at this point. 

In a sad way, this was all really funny. A few weeks ago he thought Connor wanted to kill him. Honestly, the day prior he hadn’t really thought of Connor as anything more than a friend he couldn’t really have. It took talking Connor down for him to realize that it wasn’t normal to notice those sorts of things about a person. It took saying those things for him to realize why he’d noticed them.

But he hadn’t had time to think about himself. 

Then they had tried to be normal. That was probably what did him in. He hadn’t needed to be the strong one—be Connor’s shoulder to cry on, because Connor wasn’t crying anymore. 

Connor’s eyes had still been red, for a while he was still holding on to Evan as if he was a life line. But, slowly, he brought himself back to earth. That was when it became hard. 

Evan didn’t know how to handle being that close to someone who made his heartbeat quicken. He didn’t know how to sit on Connor’s couch or how to keep breathing when Connor was leaning on his shoulder. 

He liked it too much. He was such a creep.

Sighing, he dragged himself to his bed room, hoping he wouldn’t dream about Connor and the complete mess he’d made.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan felt Connor snap twenty minutes into dinner. 
> 
> “Are we going to talk about it or not?” his tone wasn’t far from demanding.
> 
> “Connor,” Cynthia sounded very tired. 
> 
> That was how it started. Evan remembered the argument at the second failed dinner. This was worse. It was a lot worse.

If Evan had known that coming back to Connor’s apartment would end in him witnessing Alana’s attempt at convincing Connor to attend the family meeting he and Evan had skipped, he would not have shown up. Okay, he probably would have anyway, since Connor asked him to and he doubted he’d be able to say no to Connor. That didn’t make him feel any less out of place as Alana paced back and forth and Connor faced her with crossed arms.

“I said I’m not going,” he told her. 

“You made me come all the way over here just to tell me that,” Alana countered.

“No, I told you that on the phone,” Connor reminded her. “Twice.”

Evan tried to blend into Connor’s couch and look like he wasn’t listening to their conversation. 

“But then you said I could come, which usually means I can convince you,” Alana said triumphantly.

“I’m tired,” Connor said blandly.

“You’re always tired,” Alana dismissed.

“I’m extra tired,” he replied. “And not ready to play happy family.”

“You rain checked,” she pointed out.

“I always rain check,” he exclaimed. “It’s code for ‘never going to show up’ my mom knows this.”

“It’s really hard for her,” Alana said sadly.

“I got lunch with her three days ago,” he defended himself. “I’m not deserting anyone!”

“What about your father?” she crossed her arms.

“We are not doing this,” Connor narrowed his eyes.

“You need to talk to them,” Alana was close to sounding exasperated. “You never talk about this kind of stuff.”

“I talked to you,” he argued.

“When it first happened,” she brushed off.

“I talked to Evan,” Connor pointed at him.

“Hi,” Evan sputtered.

“He did?” Alana looked at him.

“Yeah,” Evan nodded quickly. “It, um, we talked yesterday.”

“And I cried like the fucking mess I am,” Connor deadpanned. “Happy?”

“No, of course I’m not happy you cried!” Alana shook her head, then pause. “I mean, I’m a little proud that you let someone in—”

“Jesus Christ,” Connor exhaled.

“A little surprised that you let someone you’ve only known for a few weeks in,” Alana added thoughtfully.

“We all knew each other in high school,” Connor pointed out as if that made a difference. “We’re practically old friends, right Evan?”

“Please don’t make me pick a side,” Evan pleaded.

“Dear God, not you too,” Connor groaned.

“Connor,” Alana took a step closer to him.

“Don’t,” he winced. 

“You have to talk to them at some point,” she said gently.

“I am aware,” he said bitterly.

“You can’t just run away,” she meant this even if the words were wrong. 

“No, actually Zoe’s the one who runs away,” he snapped.

Evan watched her blink at him. An apologetic look crossed Connor’s face.

“Fuck,” he groaned again.

“This is what I mean,” she told him. “If you keep pushing everyone out, it’s going to have this effect.”

“I’m not pushing,” he tried.

“Evan did he try to get you to leave before he let you in?” Alana asked pointedly.

Evan was fairly certain he looked like a dear in headlights as he tried to think of a response that didn’t support either of them against the other.

“I mean it, I’m not good with arguments—”

“Evan,” Alana pressed.

“Yeah, I mean, kinda?” he stammered. He glanced at Connor who gave him an irritated look. “Sorry.”

“Fine,” Connor raised his hands in the air in mock defeat. “I’m pushing my parents away. I’ve only been doing that since second grade.”

“They need you,” she said in a soft voice.

“And I need to not fall apart,” he countered. 

“That’s why I’m going to be there,” she pointed out.

“You’re going to break down half way through and have to leave,” he said harshly. Alana flinched. “Fuck, I’m sorry, see, this is why I shouldn’t talk.”

“I promise I won’t leave,” her voice was steady. “Neither will Evan.”

“Don’t drag him into this,” Connor sighed.

“He’s already in the middle of it,” Alana brushed off. “Sorry, Evan.”

“It’s okay,” Evan said meekly. 

Alana turned to him.

“Do you think it will help for him to talk to them?” she asked.

“It’s none of my business,” Evan voiced. 

“Yes, it is,” Alana didn’t leave room for argument. 

“Okay,” Evan took a breath of air. “Maybe a little.”

Connor rolled his eyes.

“See,” Alana took this as a win.

“Thanks, Hansen,” Connor glared.

“I’m sorry,” Evan sputtered. 

“I’m messing with you,” he shook his head.

“Oh.”

Connor sighed.

“You know what,” he looked at Alana. “Fine. I’m leaving if they start fighting or blaming each other.”

“I know,” Alana nodded.

“I’ll leave with you,” Evan felt the need to voice.

“Thanks,” Connor smiled at him.

Evan tried very hard to hold his gaze. He wasn’t going to ruin Connor trusting him with the stupid thoughts he already knew he couldn’t say. So instead he smiled back, hoping that his face wasn’t reddening. 

“What the fuck is that look?” Connor narrowed his eyes at Alana who was grinning ear to ear.

“Nothing,” she said. “I’m just glad you two are getting along.”

“You sound like my mother,” Connor didn’t sound that irritated.

“Good, try not to roll your eyes,” she instructed. “It’ll be good practice.”

“Shut up.”

“See that’s what you’re not supposed to say,” her voice was close to teasing.

“Shouldn’t we be leaving if we’re going to,” Evan doubted that either of them were paying attention to the time. 

“Right!” Alana jumped. “Connor, you’ll drive?”

“Do I have a choice?” He asked dryly.

“Nope,” Alana beamed. 

* * *

Evan felt Connor snap twenty minutes into dinner. 

“Are we going to talk about it or not?” his tone wasn’t far from demanding.

“Connor,” Cynthia sounded very tired. 

That was how it started. Evan remembered the argument at the second failed dinner. This was worse. It was a lot worse.

Evan felt bad for everyone else at the restaurant. He felt bad for himself, because every time their waitress sent their table a glare, he knew he was being included in the judgement. He wasn’t sure it they were going to be kicked out.

Despite the blatant fighting, no one was shouting. That almost made it more uncomfortable to witness. Evan didn’t know how to handle Connor’s hushed anger or his parents passive aggressive reaction to it. 

“We all just want her back,” Cynthia was close to pleading. 

Evan wasn’t sure if she meant this to Connor or her husband. 

“Yeah, you want it enough to pretend that we’re happy in front of Alana and Evan for three fucking minutes.” Connor scoffed. 

“Do not use that language in here,” Larry scolded him. 

“I’m not a kid anymore,” Connor spat back. 

“Both of you stop it,” Cynthia spoke over them.

“You don’t care if we yell,” Connor dismissed. “You’re just trying to make it look better

“Don’t talk to your mother like that,” Larry told him.

“It’s the truth, both of you know it,” Connor glared. 

“This is hard on everyone,” Cynthia tried. 

“Yeah, it is,” Connor said without sympathy in his voice. “Because we all fucking failed her.”

“Zoe made her own choices,” Cynthia didn’t sound very confident in this. 

“Because we made it too hard to be around us,” Connor scoffed again.

“Stop it, all of you!”

Evan didn’t mean this to come out as a shout. He didn’t mean to say anything at all, but he couldn’t just sit there listening to them verbally attack each other. That wasn’t how a family with a daughter in a coma was supposed to act. It wasn’t how a family who for the most part still had each other were supposed to act. 

But now they were all staring at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” he choked out. “I’m just going—”

“Evan’s right,” Cynthia began. “We’re all—”

“I don’t think Evan got to say enough to be right about anything,” Connor said sharply. “Go on.”

The glare softened only slightly when it was directed at Evan. It didn’t lessen the sense that he was indeed in dangerous waters. They were all still staring at him. 

He wanted to say that he didn’t know what he meant and just let them keep arguing. But, if he did, how long would it be before someone said something they couldn’t take back? It would probably be Connor, and the aftermath probably wouldn’t look too different than the day before. Evan couldn’t let that happen. 

He wasn’t supposed to be at this table. But he was, so he might as well make something good out of it.

“I,” he stammered.

This was harder than it seemed in his head.

“I just think you should stop shouting,” he said meekly. “You all love Zoe and you love each other. There’s enough stuff to fight without fighting people you love.”

“That’s easier said than done,” Connor told him fairly.

“I know,” he matched him. “But if Zoe was here, if she hadn’t gotten hurt, would you be yelling at her?”

Evan watched the four process this question. He knew what the answer was and he knew who was the only one blunt enough to say it. 

“Yes.”

“Connor,” Cynthia attempted to shush.

“You fucking would too,” Connor said flatly.

“But now that she’s not you realize you don’t want to, right?” Evan hoped he was right about this. If not he knew he wasn’t helping any of them. 

“It’s not that easy,” Connor didn’t say no.

“Why can’t it be?” Evan pleaded.

Connor didn’t look at him.

“Answer him,” Larry voiced.

“Oh, you want me to talk now?” Connor asked venomously.

“Please,” Cynthia looked close to tears.

“If Zoe was here, what would you say to her?” Evan needed to push this forward. They needed to all realize they were in the same boat and if they didn’t work together it was going to sink.

“They don’t get to hear that,” Connor made eye contact now.

“Why?” Evan asked even though he knew Connor didn’t want him to.

“Don’t,” he was close to begging.

“You’re closing each other off,” Alana murmured.

“Don’t you start,” Connor snapped at her.

“Let them talk,” Cynthia told him.

“This is why I didn’t want to come,” Connor laughed darkly. “Everyone thinks they can support each other, but all this is going to amount to is you two making promises you’ll forget in a week.”

“That’s not true,” Larry tried.

“So when Zoe wakes up you want to go back to yelling at each other?” Alana challenged.

“No, of course we don’t,” Cynthia gasped.

“It doesn’t stop,” Connor pressed. “Because no one in this fucking family understands anything about each other.”

“Okay,” Evan’s voice was louder than he thought it could be. “None of you understand each other and none of you understand Zoe.”

“Is that what Zoe told you?” Cynthia asked in a small voice.

Evan realized his mistake. He needed to back peddle, quickly.

“No, I mean,” he stuttered.

“What else is she supposed to tell him?” Connor took this as confirmation.

Then Evan got an idea.

“She didn’t feel accepted because of something she couldn’t control,” he started shakily. “But I can’t talk about it. Because I shouldn’t tell you. But maybe—”

“This is not what we should be talking about,” Connor heard the unspoken words. 

“But you didn’t think talking would work anyway,” Alana seemed to catch on as well.

“It has nothing to do with Zoe,” Connor argued. There was too much defense. 

“You know that’s not true,” Alana said in a level voice.

“What are you talking about?” Cynthia must have realized that there was some subtext they weren’t making clear.

Evan looked to Connor. He wasn’t going to force anything to be said. At the end of the day, he didn’t really know how much this was asking of Connor. If he didn’t want to talk, Evan would let him stay silent. He hoped Connor understood this.

“The fact that both of your are disappointed in my sexuality,” Connor let the words drop.

For a second, both parents didn’t seem to know what to say. 

“Sweetie, we’re not,” Cynthia sounded hurt. 

“What does this have to do with your sister?” Larry asked at the same time.

“Doesn’t even fucking deny it,” Connor muttered. 

“Zoe wished that the three of you could get a long better,” Evan scrambled to justify. “About this in particular.”

“She talked to you about this?” Cynthia asked.

Evan couldn’t say that she did, since Connor knew that he hadn’t known he was gay initially. He needed to fit both stories without sounding ridiculous.

“Well, she didn’t exactly say it was this,” he settled for sounding vague. “I kinda pieced it together after talking to Connor.”

“So, what?” Connor was searching Evan’s face. Evan prayed that he wasn’t inadvertently giving himself away. “She wants us to talk about my sexuality?”

“About you not thinking it’s okay, I think,” Evan mumbled. 

“I think it’s okay,” Connor said strongly.

“I mean them not making you feel like it is,” he glanced at Connor’s parents. “Sorry.”

“You know we love you no matter what,” Cynthia was definitely going to cry.

“You’ve said that,” Connor stated numbly. “It changes when I try to bring a boy home.”

“Is there a boy?” she sounded close to hopeful.

“There hasn’t been a boy in years,” Connor scoffed. “They know how messed up I am and run away.”

“I’ve told you it doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” Larry said slowly.

“Yeah, you said that,” Connor scoffed.

“You’re not listening,” Cynthia whispered.

“I am.”

Evan watched Connor look at his father. For a second, he was afraid Larry wasn’t going to say anything. Then something vulnerable flashed in his eyes, and a tight smile pressed on his lips. Evan realized that he was just as desperate as Cynthia. He just hid it. He hid it too well, that it made it look like he didn’t care. That wasn’t what Connor needed, and Evan doubted it was what Zoe had wanted.

“It’s not that I’m disappointed,” Larry’s tone was different now. “But you understand that there are so many people who are going to make your life hard because of this.”

“Yeah,” Connor spat. “I kinda got that when you started talking to me like I’m some sort of freak.”

“You’re not a freak,” Larry’s voice wasn’t stern anymore.

“Don’t say that,” Cynthia murmured at the same time.

Evan could see how these two used to be a team. He wondered what had changed that. 

“I meant to make in easier for you in the long run,” Larry confessed. 

“I can’t just decide I’m straight,” Connor’s voice was loosing it’s edge.

“Connor, have I said anything remotely homophobic in the past four years?” Larry sounded just as pleading as Cynthia had before. 

“Have either of you talked to me about anything remotely serious with in the past four years?” Connor asked back. 

For a second, no one spoke. Someone needed to expose their heart to be stabbed or sympathized with. One of them needed to take the risk that their family was going to catch them. Evan knew that if no one did, Connor would stand up and leave. He might not even want Evan and Alana to follow him.

“I’m afraid she won’t wake up,” Larry whispered. 

It may have only been visible to Evan, but at that moment Connor’s walls slipped down. Evan knew they’d be up again before the end of dinner, and that was okay. Maybe that was how it was supposed to be. No one should be vulnerable to anyone all of the time. 

“I am to,” he uttered. 

“We all are,” Cynthia added.

“I’m sorry,” Larry told his son.

“That doesn’t make up for it,” Connor informed him.

“I know,” he nodded.

For a moment, everything was okay. 

* * *

“That was weird,” Connor let Evan know as he pulled his car out of the restaurant parking lot.

Alana was catching a ride home with the Murphy’s, but Connor had insisted on driving Evan. It was funny to think that not to long ago he would have fear this meant that Connor planned to murder him. Instead it made him—

Well, he wasn’t going to think about that. He wasn’t aloud to.

“I’m sorry,” he knew that most of what happened was either his credit or fault. 

“Don’t be,” Connor’s smile faltered. “But don’t expect too much. No one in our family is good at following through.”

“Most people aren’t,” Evan shrugged. “At least you guys are trying.”

“I guess,” Connor didn’t seem too impressed with that. “Thanks for getting the screaming to stop.”

“No problem,” Evan murmured. 

“You realize that would have ended a lot differently if you weren’t there, right?” Connor added.

“I’m sure you guys would have—”

“Yelled a bunch of terrible things and stopped talking to each other for a week?” he finished with a smirk.

“That’s not what I was gonna say,” Evan stated.

“I know,” Connor grinned.

They didn’t talk for a little bit. Connor turned on the radio, and Evan tried not to focus on the lyrics to the song. Why did singers always write about love? Aren’t there others things they could use as a muse? Right now Evan hated love songs. 

They didn’t remind him of Zoe anymore. They reminded him of the man sitting next to him. And then they reminded him of how much of a freak he was to be pining after Connor. 

“So, where’s your family?” Connor asked lightly.

“My mom’s a state over,” Evan told him. “I visit when I can.”

“And your dad?”

That was a loaded question. 

“I don’t really know right now,” Evan answered before collecting his thoughts. That was always a mistake. “He left when I was seven. He tries to stay in touch, but, he has his own family now so…”

“That sucks,” Connor didn’t sound like he was saying this out of obligation.

“Yeah,” Evan sighed.

“He’s gotta be insane,” Connor added.

“I don’t,” Evan blinked. “Is this about me being perfect again?”

“Yeah,” Connor nodded, his face was serious.

“Connor, I’m…”

_Falling in love with you, lying to you, wishing that there was some way to redo the past few weeks…_

“You’re?” Connor prompted.

“I’m not always a good person,” Evan said.

“That’s really hard to believe,” Connor scoffed. 

“Thanks.”

“Even in high school you were nice,” Connor mused. “No one is nice in high school.”

“We didn’t talk,” Evan reminded him. Connor shouldn’t know anything about high school Evan. No one knew anything about high school Evan because no one cared to. 

“Yeah, I know,” Connor shrugged off. 

“I thought you didn’t remember me much,” Evan added.

“I didn’t remember you when I first saw you because I don’t like to reminisce on that shit hole,” Connor corrected.

“Right,” Evan shared that feeling. 

“But I remember you a lot,” Connor informed him.

“Oh.” How on earth was he supposed to process that?

“It’s not a bad thing,” he laughed. 

“I thought you hated me.” Evan could remember that much.

“I had a crush on you,” Connor spoke as if this was the most casual thing in the world.

“What?” Evan sputtered. He hadn’t heard that correctly, right? “Connor, that’s not funny.”

“I’m not joking,” Connor stated seriously.

“You never talked to me,” Evan stammered.

“I didn’t talk to anyone,” Connor shrugged. “If it makes you feel better it was mainly superficial.”

“What does that even mean?” Evan shook his head. 

“I don’t know how to say it nicely,” Connor pursed his lips. 

“Right.”

“I thought you were hot,” he said anyway.

“Oh,” Evan uttered.

This was too much. It didn’t make sense. There was no way Connor had noticed him back then, let alone found him attractive. It just didn’t make sense.

Evan tried to push away the question he was not going to ask. Why hadn’t Connor said something? If he had, maybe Evan would have realized that Connor wasn’t actually scary, and that his hair looked soft, and that the only thing more beautiful that his smile is his voice. 

“Sorry,” Connor brought him back to the present. 

“I didn’t think anyone could like me back then,” Evan admitted. 

“No one liked me,” Connor seemed to think that made them even.

“You don’t know that,” Evan told him. Because how could he if Evan apparently hadn’t?

“Trust me, I do.”

“You shoved me into lockers once,” Evan recalled.

“Yeah. I,” Connor winced. “I’m not good with emotions.”

“This is hilarious,” Evan shook his head again.

“Glad you find teenage me’s heartbreak amusing,” Connor replied dryly.

“Oh God,” Evan felt the air around him get cold. “I’m sorry, I—”

“I’m joking,” Connor rolled his eyes in a teasing manor. “I got over it after graduation.”

“Should I be offended?” Evan joked.

“Considering you ended up with my much more attractive and mentally stable sister, no.” Connor deadpanned. 

“Don’t say that,” Evan told him, his voice sounded more numb than it was supposed to. 

“It’s a joke, calm down,” Connor stopped the car. “Here we are. I’ll see you later?”

Evan hadn’t realized they were already at his building.

“Yeah,” he forced a smile. “Yeah you will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first planned the story this chapter didn't exists, but I felt it was important for Evan to be a part of clearing the air with Connor's parents. Hope it went well (for some reason they're very difficult for me to write)!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> e wasn’t completely surprised to find Connor standing there. Aside from maybe Jared or Alana, there wasn’t anyone else who would show up on Evan’s doorstep unannounced.
> 
> What did surprise him was the look on Connor’s face. It make him feel like the air had been sucked out of him. Connor looked scared, but it wasn’t like a few days prior when Evan had found him curled in on himself. This was a desperation Evan didn’t understand. He didn’t like it.
> 
> “Connor,” he wanted to hug him. He wanted to do anything to make that look go away.
> 
> “I should have called,” Connor seemed to realize this only now. “I meant to call.”
> 
> “It’s okay,” Evan heard himself utter.
> 
> “Can I?” Connor’s gaze traveled behind Evan.
> 
> “Yeah, sure,” Evan snapped into focus. “Come in.”

Evan wasn’t able to sleep in, even though it was his day off. He had too much on his mind. While it was getting shamefully easy to cope with the lies, what Connor had told him the night before was still praying on this thoughts. Were it not for the exhaustion the dinner had caused, Evan doubted he would have been able to sleep at all.

Fully awake or not, the knock on the door still startled him.

It wasn’t very loud, but it was persistent enough to move him to the door quickly. He wasn’t completely surprised to find Connor standing there. Aside from maybe Jared or Alana, there wasn’t anyone else who would show up on Evan’s doorstep unannounced.

What did surprise him was the look on Connor’s face. It make him feel like the air had been sucked out of him. Connor looked scared, but it wasn’t like a few days prior when Evan had found him curled in on himself. This was a desperation Evan didn’t understand. He didn’t like it.

“Connor,” he wanted to hug him. He wanted to do anything to make that look go away.

“I should have called,” Connor seemed to realize this only now. “I meant to call.”

“It’s okay,” Evan heard himself utter.

“Can I?” Connor’s gaze traveled behind Evan.

“Yeah, sure,” Evan snapped into focus. “Come in.”

It’s only when he’s leading Connor into the small space that serves as his living room/kitchen, that Evan realized this is the first time Connor’s seen the interior of his apartment. It was small and shabby compared to Connor’s. Suddenly self conscious, he turned to Connor but was met by a slight smile.

“This place is cute,” Connor spoke as if only half of his brain was capable of noticing the apartment.

“Thanks,” Evan took a step closer to him. Connor sucked in a harsh breath at the movement.

“Listen, I,” he stammered. “I have to talk to you”

Evan didn’t know what to do.

A meek “are you okay?” came out before he could stop it.

“Yes,” Connor nodded too quickly. “Well, no, it’s confusing. It’ll make more sense in a minute.”

“Is this about yesterday?” Evan asked cautiously.

“Yeah,” Connor confirmed and Evan realized how vague the question was.

“Sit down,” he said as steadily as he could.

Without waiting for the jittering man in front of him to take direction, Evan pulled Connor to his couch. Connor collapsed into it. Evan stayed standing.

“I’m gonna make tea,” he decided.

“I need to—”

“Drink the tea, then talk,” Evan said calmly.

Connor looked like he wanted to argue, but instead he let out a shaky breath of air.

“You’re such a girl,” his voice attempted teasing.

“That’s sexist,” Evan informed him, missing a joking tone as well. “But, yeah.”

He boiled water and tried to not look at Connor. That didn’t mean he couldn’t hear his foot nervously hitting the edge of the couch and a rhythm too fast to for him to be alright. Evan didn’t want Connor to start talking when he was this close to the edge. It would be so easy for Connor to say something he didn’t want Evan to know if he started babbling now. Evan was going to try to calm him down a bit before he let him speak.

When the teat was done he handed the mug to Connor, holding his own tightly as he sank into the other end of the small couch. Connor sipped at the drink. Evan waited until he’d drunk half of it and his breath slowed slightly.

“Okay,” he attempted a smile. “You can talk now, sorry.”

“No, this was a good idea,” Connor told him. “It’s calming.”

“You don’t look calm,” Evan let him know.

“I’m slightly more calm than a few minutes ago,” Connor shrugged in a jerky motion. “Still miles away from zen, but you tried.”

“Right,” Evan chuckled nervously.

Connor brought his eyes to the cup in his hand. Evan watched him set it on the coffee table in front of the couch. Evan copied him.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Connor stammered. Evan wasn’t used to Connor being the one stammering.

“I’m not gonna judge you,” he said firmly.

“No, you are,” Connor closed his eyes. It didn’t hide the pained look that crossed his face. “But it’s okay.”

“Connor,” Evan put a hand on Connor’s arm, making his eyes flicker open again.

He tried to smile reassuringly. Connor seemed to understand.

“Just don’t interrupt for a sec, okay?” he asked in a breathy voice.

“Okay,” Evan agreed.

“So, I know this is gonna sound like I’m trying to fuck everything up,” Connor winced. “And I promise that’s not why I’m saying it.”

“You can tell me anything,” Evan said without thinking. “Sorry, not interrupting.”

“No, it’s okay,” Connor’s forehead scrunched. “Fuck. Okay, I’m just gonna say it.”

Evan nodded. Connor tensed, as if preparing himself for something to come crashing down on him.

“Zoe is in love with someone else.”

The words themselves seemed to come out easily. It was the painfully slow second that Evan took the process them that was difficult. Connor looked like he wanted to bolt from the apartment. If he had tried, Evan may not have been able to stop him.

Evan could feel the air freezing around him. Connor knew Zoe didn’t care about him. Connor was going to realize he was lying. Then Connor was going to hate him, and that would kill Evan.

Then his mind let him take in Connor’s expression. Connor wouldn’t look that terrified if he figured Evan out.

“Oh,” he heard himself let out.

“I’m sorry,” Connor bursted into a babble. “I wasn’t going to say anything but you—you’re just a great guy, Hansen. You shouldn’t be the one to pay for her mistake.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Evan forced his voice to work.

“I just said,” Connor started.

“Shouldn’t you be on Zoe’s side?” Evan clarified. “She’s your sister. I’m just a guy you kinda knew six years ago.”

Connor hesitated. He was looking at his hands. Evan was pretty sure he might be able to understand if Connor would only let him see his eyes.

“Please don’t get mad,” he whispered after a moment.

“Connor,” Evan would never have the right to be mad at this man.

“Or judge me or anything,” Connor continued, his voice was very far from calm now.

“Okay, okay yeah,” Evan said quickly. “I’m not judging.”

Connor finally looked up at him. His eyes were full of something Evan couldn’t quite explain. A melancholy smile crossed his face.

Then he leaned forward. Then he didn’t stop.

It was only when Connor’s lips brushed Evan’s cheek that Evan realized what was happening. It froze him. It froze everything except for Connor, because how could someone frozen have lips that warm.

A brush was all it was, Evan could barely call it a kiss. That didn’t make it any less powerful. It didn’t make his heart hammer any less.

Then Connor was pulling back.

“I think I’m in love with you,” his voice wasn’t shaking anymore.

“Connor,” Evan whispered.

“It’s not fucking fair,” Connor’s expression contorted. “She has literally everything and can’t see that she’s throwing it all away.”

“Connor, you don’t know me.” Evan grasped for a reason in a vain attempt to protect himself.

Because Connor couldn’t love him. The man he’d lied to couldn’t have feelings for him. That wasn’t fair to Connor. It wasn’t really fair to Evan either. Because why did everything he could ever want have to be right in front of him but so utterly far away at the same time?

“Yes I do,” Connor laughed but it sounded broken.

“You’ve known me for a few weeks,” Evan reminded him. He tried to remind himself.

“I know that you like trees,” Connor stated.

“What?” Evan blinked at him.

“You’ve pointed out every single one we pass on the drive to your office at least once,” Connor launched into an explanation. “And when you talk about them you get this look in your eye. It’s adorable.”

“I,” Evan wasn’t used to people paying attention to the things he said. The thought of Connor remembering every word made him feel like he was flying. “I didn’t know.”

“I know that you only calm down when you’re helping someone else,” Connor smiled now. “I don’t think you even realize it. But you freak out until someone else is freaking out worse. Then you get so fucking strong at first I didn’t believe you were the same person.”

He had noticed so many things about Connor, but it hadn’t occurred to him that Connor was watching him as well.

“I know that when you aren’t calm you think the world is going to fall down on you but you don’t move out of the way because you think it’s okay.” Connor sounded sad now.

Evan couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t handle thinking—no, knowing—that Connor cared this much. He couldn’t handle being this close to Connor. He couldn’t handle that he could still feel the ghost of Connor’s lips on his cheek.

“I know that you fidget with the hem of your shirt when you’re uncomfortable,” Connor continued. “And that you rub the back of your neck when you don’t know what to do.”

Evan could feel his face heating up, but he couldn’t will his eyes to leave Connor’s.

“I know you get this grin when you realize it’s okay to smile, it makes your eyes gleam.” Connor’s breath caught, Evan realized he was trying not to cry. “And when you show it to someone it makes them feel like nothing else in the world matters.”

“Connor,” Evan murmured.

“And I know I love you more than Zoe ever could,” Connor finished.

He didn’t look afraid anymore. That was okay, Evan had enough fear for the both of them. He wasn’t prepared for Connor to mean this. He could barely cope with the thought of Connor hating him when he found out the truth, but Evan couldn’t be the one to break Connor’s heart. That would destroy the both of them.

“What,” he pushed through the words. “What if this was a lie, and—”

Connor’s eyes widened, and Evan realized he was thinking the wrong thing.

“I’m not lying,” he grabbed hold of Evan’s hand. “I promise.”

“You wouldn’t have paid any attention to me if I wasn’t Zoe’s fiancé,” Evan let the fear fall from his mouth.

Connor didn’t move as slowly this time. Still, when his lips crashed onto Evan’s it was gentle. Evan could feel longing and fear. He knew he should stop Connor, after all if he knew the truth he wouldn’t want to kiss Evan.

But Evan was weak.

His hands found Connor’s hair. He let Connor’s mouth claim him. Connor’s lips were warm, and soft, and tasted like Connor, and Evan couldn’t believe he now knew what Connor tasted like. Connor’s hands felt like they were everywhere. Evan couldn’t tell if they were touching his face, or his neck, or sliding down his arms. It didn’t really matter. He didn’t care if he was disoriented, because he was lost in Connor.

He thought losing himself would feel numb, but this was a whirlwind of so many emotions, but most of all bliss. Because if anything in his entire life had ever felt right it was this.

But this was wrong. This was taking advantage. Because it couldn’t work. Connor thought Evan was going to marry his sister. Truth aside, that was enough to make what was happening impossible. All Evan was doing was hurting the both of them.

He jolted back.

For a second Connor just looked stunned. Then everything crashed down on him at once.

“Shit,” Connor was afraid again.

Evan watched him stumble to his feet.

“Connor,” he tried to stand as well, but his legs refused to hold him.

“I’m sorry.”

Then Connor was running and Evan couldn’t follow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me...


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “She’s awake,” Cynthia’s voice brought him back to earth.
> 
> Evan could breath again. The call wasn’t about Connor. It was about—
> 
> “What?” he stammered.

Evan would have liked for his couch to just absorb him. When his legs could finally work again, he didn’t see the point in using them. He couldn’t catch up to Connor at this point, and if he could what was he supposed to do? Tell Connor he loved him back? Admit that kissing Connor made him actually feel alive and whole for what might have been the first time in his life?

He couldn’t dump that on Connor. It wasn’t fair to him.

An hour after he realized that his couch wasn’t agreeing with his absorption plan, Evan’s phone rang. He expected it to be Connor, he wanted it to be Connor. He was slightly disappointed when he saw an unknown number.

He answered.

“Evan you have to get over here right now!” Evan recognized Cynthia Murphy’s voice.

Why was she calling him? Why did she sound so stunned? Had something bad happened? Was Connor okay?

“What?” he was able to verbalize. “What’s going on?”

He imagined where Connor could have gone when he left Evan’s apartment. He imagined Connor hurt somewhere. Connor was hurt and it was his fault because he hadn’t been able to stop him.

“She’s awake,” Cynthia’s voice brought him back to earth.

Evan could breath again. The call wasn’t about Connor. It was about—

“What?” he stammered.

“She’ll be so happy to see you,” Cynthia went on.

Zoe was awake. Zoe was awake.

He was doomed. He was so incredibly doomed.

“You’re at the hospital?” he asked.

“We’re on our way,” she informed him.

Evan had a few minutes left to live. He should have kissed Connor more, considering this was probably the last moment that Connor would even look at him. He was about to loose everything.

Everything that he didn’t deserve to have in the first place.

“Hold on, Alana wants to talk to you,” Cynthia said

Evan could hear her passing the phone.

“Can you meet us there?” Alana asked immediately.

“Maybe it’s better if we don’t all crowd her—”

“She’d want to see you more than me,” Alana sounded nervous. Evan was pretty sure he knew why.

“That’s not true,” he told her. “Is Connor with you?”

“No, but he’s on his way,” she answered. “That’s funny, he asked if you were with us when we called him.”

Evan tried to imagine what Connor must be thinking right now. He knew he had to be far from alright. When he left Evan’s apartment he wasn’t okay, Zoe waking up now wouldn’t help this.

“Right,” he cleared his throat. “Are you—”

“In shock,” Alana laughed without any amusement.

She’d be the most upset if he just didn’t show up. She needed someone to stop her from spiraling. Connor wouldn’t be able to.

“I’ll meet you there.” He heard himself say. “We can see her together.”

“Okay,” she agreed.

* * *

Evan arrived at the hospital minutes after the Murphy’s, and in time to be pulled into an elevator with them. This was the happiest he’d seen Zoe’s parents. He was glad. Even through knowing what Zoe waking up meant, Evan was relieved—overjoyed, that he Alana was drumming her fingers on the side of her leg.

When Evan looked at her she smiled at him. It wasn’t a fake smile, but it wasn’t a calm one either. Evan figured that, although she’d been praying for this moment for weeks, now that it was happening she realized she wasn’t ready for it.

Evan wasn’t ready either.

He was the last to enter the hospital room. He watched Zoe immediately hug her mother, then her father. Alana didn’t rush to an embrace, but when Zoe looked at her she smiled. It was a complicated smile, but not an unhappy one.

Her gaze stopped at him.

Zoe was staring at him. In one stare everything dissolved.

“What are you doing here?” she asks in a confused, but not unkind voice.

He meant to say something. He needed to start with an apology. Then a plea for forgiveness. Then he could just run. He wanted to run.

He opened his mouth, but none of the words came out. He couldn’t breath. Suddenly he was aware of everyone looking at him. He could tell they’re concerned, and they weren’t upset. They didn’t understand. They just saw that he couldn’t breath.

Then Alana had hold of his arm.

Then he was being pull out of the room.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Alana put her hands on his shoulders. She sat him down in one of the chairs against the wall.

“I’m sorry,” he was able to get out.

“Evan breath,” she instructed softly.

“I need to go,” he stammered.

“No, you need to calm down,” she said firmly. This was the voice she used on Connor.

He could talk now. He needed to explain. He needed at least one person to understand.

“I didn’t mean—”

“The doctors said this isn’t uncommon,” Alana told him.

“What?” he blinked at her.

“Amnesia,” she explained.

“You,” Evan processed this. “You think she has amnesia.”

“She clearly knows who you are,” Alana quickly went on in a reassuring voice. “The past few months are probably just spotty. It’ll get better.”

“That’s not what’s happening—”

Evan was cut off by the door opening and Cynthia and Larry coming out into the hall.

“Evan, it’s okay,” Cynthia pulled him into a hug.

“She’s a little confused,” Larry patted his back. “But the doctor’s said this might happen.”

“I don’t,” he stammered.

“At least she’s awake, right?” Cynthia released him from the hug with a hopeful smile.

“At least she’s okay,” Larry shared the smile.

Evan needed to come clean. He needed to say something.

“I,” he uttered.

But how could he when they were looking at him like that?

“I’m glad she’s awake,” he murmured.

“We all are,” Cynthia said warmly.

Before he could say anything else, they were interrupted by Connor bolting into the hall with a panicked look in his eyes. A panic that narrowed in on Evan as soon as he stopped running. Silently Connor let his parents hug him. Evan was sure they could recognize his frazzled discomfort. He doubted they expected any different from him.

“Do you want to come see her?” Cynthia asked him softly.

“Yeah, I do, but,” Connor glanced at Evan. “I, um, I need a moment. You guys should…”

He gestured to the room. His mother nodded.

“Take you time,” she hugged him again before both her and Larry disappeared through the door.

“I need a drink of water,” Alana sounded worn out. “Are you guys okay?”

“Yeah,” Connor answered for the both of them.

“There’s just been a lot of excitement in the past few minutes,” she sighed.

“Yeah,” Connor nodded in agreement.

They watched her walk through the hall. The second she turned the corner, Connor rounded on Evan. For half a second, Evan thought he was going to be pinned against the wall again. But Connor wasn’t angry, and he didn’t touch him. His frantic hands stopped an inch from Evan’s chest. He was too scared to touch him.

“Evan, please,” he started in a rush.

“You’re shaking,” Evan didn’t know how to calm him. “You should sit—

“I’m sorry,” Connor blurted. “I don’t know what I was thinking—I wasn’t thinking!”

This was about earlier. Evan would be lying if he said he didn’t expect Connor to react like this. He in no way blamed Connor for anything, he didn’t think he had it in him to blame Connor for everything. But he didn’t know how to get him to calm down without touching him.

“Connor—”

“You can’t tell her,” Connor didn’t let him talk. “Oh God, that sounded so demanding.”

“Sit down,” Evan tried, but Connor didn’t move.

“Please don’t tell her,” he sounded more scared than frantic now. “I know I messed up. I always fucking mess up everything. I don’t know why I said those things.”

“Are you saying you didn’t mean them?” Evan asked because he was selfish. Because in the midst of Connor freaking out his first fear was that Connor couldn’t actually love him.

“No,” Connor didn’t meet his eyes. “I want to, but you’re smarter than that, you’re not gonna fucking believe that. I wasn’t going to tell you any of it, but then you asked and—”

Connor flinched. His right hand unconsciously pulled at his hair.

“And I fucking kissed you,” he exhaled. Evan hated the regret he heard. “I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise you’ll never have to deal with anything like that again, but you can’t tell her—”

“Connor,” Evan’s hand hovered over his shoulder.

“I know if it comes down to it, she’ll choose you over me,” Connor sounded broken. “I can’t loose her. I don’t want her to think I care so little, but— I guess it looks like I don’t—”

The fear was morphing into something else. Evan needed to cut it off before Connor spiraled out of control. Because that was something he knew Connor rarely had, and definitely didn’t have now.

“I just can’t fucking stop myself sometimes,” he chocked. “It’s like my brain isn’t in control of me. I know, that sounds terrible. I’m terrible. And Zoe’s going to—”

“Connor Murphy,” Evan said loudly. Connor blinked at him. “I’m not going to tell her.”

He watched Connor draw in a shaky breath. Then relief flooded his face.

“Thank you,” he looked like he was going to cry.

“It was my fault too,” Evan told him softly.

“It wasn’t,” Connor’s voice was unwavering for the first time that day.

“Connor, I don’t have the right to be mad,” he needed him to know.

“Don’t say that,” Connor looked offended.

“No, it’s true,” Evan could tell him. “I—”

Then the door opened, silencing him once again.

* * *

Evan was alone with Zoe in the hospital room. Aside from an awkward “hello” when he’d been ushered into the room. Evan hadn’t spoken. The both of them were doing a very good job of not making eye contact. He wanted the floor to swallow him. Numbly he wondered if Zoe wanted the same thing.

“We, um, work together,” he blurted.

“I remember that,” she said quickly.

“Right,” he nodded.

“I’m sorry,” she creased her forehead. “I don’t know how—”

“It’s not your fault,” he said quickly.

“It isn’t anyone’s fault,” she smiled sadly. “Expect for that guy that attacked us.”

“Yeah,” Evan murmured.

“I don’t really remember that either,” she said in a smaller voice. “I know it happened, but it’s fuzzy.”

Evan didn’t expect that. He didn’t realize she’d actually have trouble remembering anything. Not that it mattered, pretty soon she’d have to realize he was lying to everyone.

Still, it was probably for the better that she didn’t have the memory of that night to haunt her. He hoped she never got it back. She deserved better than it.

“I wish I didn’t remember that,” Evan admitted.

“I guess I don’t remember a lot,” she said slowly. He knew what she meant by this.

“It’s okay,” he told her.

She smiled at him. It was an unsure smile, but it was still a real one. He’d missed seeing her smile. Even if he didn’t have feelings for her anymore, he missed seeing her be close to happy.

“They said you saved my life,” she started.

“That’s kinda an exaggeration,” he brushed off.

“I’d probably be dead if you hadn’t been there,” she stated. “How is it an exaggeration?”

“I,” he didn’t have an answer. “I don’t know. You still got hurt. I didn’t feel that heroic.”

They were silent for another few seconds. Evan wondered if it had always been this difficult to talk to her and he just hadn’t noticed because he was so enamored.

No, it used to be relatively easy, because they both thought they knew where they stood. Now it was weird because Zoe believed they were something that they weren’t.

“Mom said you’ve been coming to then hospital a lot,” she tried. “Fuck, of course you’d be coming here a lot. Shit, I’m bad at this.”

“It’s okay,” he stuttered.

“She also said that you’ve been talking to everyone,” she added.

“Yeah.”

“That you got them to talk to each other,” she was smiling more now.

“I was just there,” he tried to dismiss.

“And helped Alana and my brother,” she looked almost proud. He couldn’t imagine why.

“They helped me,” he shrugged.

“You’re really bad at taking credit.” There was a humor to her voice.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“I hope I remember soon,” she reached forward and took his hand. “You sound amazing.”

“I’m not,” he murmured.

“You gonna deflect everything?” she laughed.

“Sorry.”

“I do remember you apologizing too much,” she let him know.

“Damn, I hoped you’d at least forget that,” he tried to joke.

She rolled her eyes, and he found himself laughing too.

“God, I’m so tired,” she sighed. “That’s weird. I’ve been sleeping for weeks, I shouldn’t be tired.”

“Did you talk to Alana yet?” he asked hesitantly.

“No, not really,” Zoe’s grin faded. “She was in here for a second, but then she left.”

“I think she’s outside right now.” Evan knew this for a fact.

“Oh,” Zoe nodded. “She didn’t say anything.”

“There’s a lot she wants to say,” Evan assured her. “I just don’t think she’s sure how.”

“See, you have been helping.” The smile looked sad now. “The Alana I know didn’t want to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry—”

The door opened. Evan turned his head to see Connor. He watched Connor’s gaze flicker to him, then to the hand that was still holding Zoe’s.

“Shit, I can—”

He looked like he was going to close the door. Evan stood.

“I probably should go, actually,” he decided.

“No, you’re talking,” Connor stammered. “And—”

“And now I’m going to talk to my brother,” Zoe cut in.

Connor’s expression softened.

“Ganging up on me already, huh?” The grin was forced.

“That’s the plan,” Zoe glanced back at Evan. “Can you come back tomorrow?”

“Sure, yeah,” he had to, didn’t he? “I will.”

“Thanks.”

* * *

“She thinks she has amnesia,” Evan groaned into the phone.

“Shit,” Jared loudly marveled at Evan’s predicament.

“I know,” he sighed. “I didn’t know what to say.”

“So you let them think that?” Jared deadpanned.

“Yeah,” Evan confirmed.

“Wow.”

“I was trying to tell Alana,” he sputtered in his defense. “But then Connor—”

Evan cut off. He hadn’t explained what had happened with Connor before Zoe woke up. Part of him didn’t want to tell Jared. He wasn’t sure he could withstand the teasing, even if it was only Jared trying to make light of the situation.

“Connor what?” Jared questioned.

“Um, earlier today he kinda,” Evan swallowed.

“Kinda?” Jared prompted.

“Kissed me,” Evan said in a small voice.

“What?” Jared exploded.

“He didn’t mean to,” Evan babbled. “I mean, he did, but he didn’t. It’s hard to explain.”

“He kissed you, even though he thinks you’re gonna marry his sister?” There was judgement in that voice.

“Don’t say it like that,” Evan hushed him.

“You two are perfect for each other,” Jared informed him.

“I don’t know which one of us you’re insulting,” Evan sighed again.

“Both of you,” Jared stated. “You’re both awful.”

“Thanks,” Evan muttered. “She wants me to come to the hospital tomorrow.”

“Yeah, because she thinks she’s in love with you,” Jared reminded him.

“How do I tell her?” Evan knew he needed to.

“That you kissed her brother or that you’re not actually dating her?” Jared probably meant this as a joke.

“Both I guess,” Evan answered anyway.

“Why don’t you just ride it out and get her to like you before she remembers and realized you’e crazy?”

“That’s not funny,” Evan said dryly.

“So,” Jared drew out the word. “When he kissed you—”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Evan informed him.

“Was he like,” Jared continued anyway.

“Jared,” Evan said in a warning tone.

“Trying to seduce you?” Jared finished.

“Stop it,” Evan groaned.

“Because before you said he was really protective of Zoe,” Jared remembered.

“He is,” Evan knew this too well. “But, he said he loved me, it got carried away.”

“You kissed him back, didn’t you?” Jared questioned.

“I really don’t wanna talk about it,” Evan told him again.

“When did your quiet boring life become a soap opera?” Jared mused.

“Shut up.”

“What if you told Zoe the truth?” he suddenly asked. He sounded a little more serious now.

“She’d hate me,” Evan stated.

“Yeah, but she’s in a hospital so she can’t kill you,” Jared pointed out. “Tell her and then run.”

“Then change my name and leave the country?” Evan asked dryly.

“Yeah, that’s step two,” Jared joked.

“I should have stayed in school,” Evan mumbled.

“That’s not what got you in this situation,” Jared said sensibly.

“If I had I’d never have met Zoe or re-met Connor,” Evan pointed out.

“And then she would have died,” Jared said flatly.

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” Evan asked more to himself than to Jared.

“Probably because it’s true,” Jared stated.

“Is this you trying to cheer me up?” Evan asked.

“No,” Jared answered. “I’m just saying.”

“Right,” Evan wasn’t sure he believed that.

“So, was it a long kiss or—”

“Shut up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for everyone who gets second hand embarrassment/stress


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zoe smiled when she saw him. He watched her eyes travel to Alana. The smile got wider, but there was an emotion other than joy in it. He really didn’t have the right to see any of this. 
> 
> “Hey,” he sat down in the chair by the bed. Alana took the one next to him.
> 
> “Hi,” Zoe wasn’t looking at him. “Alana.”
> 
> “Hi,” Alana was forcing her voice to be bright. 
> 
> Evan wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to be nervous, but he didn’t know how.

Evan was getting used to his day starting before he was ready for it to.

“It’s early,” Alana seemed to only realize this as Evan answered her call. 

“Yeah,” he agreed then caught himself. “I was awake, it’s fine.”

“You’re visiting Zoe today, right?” She didn’t bother with small talk. 

“Yeah, she wanted me to,” Evan answered. “I want to also. I’m not going just because she asked. Are you going?”

“Yes,” Alana confirmed, her voice a little too sharp to be comfortable with this. 

“That’s good,” Evan told her.

“But I can’t,” she added.

“What?” He wasn’t following.

“I mean,” she sounded unsure. “Can you come with me?”

“Oh, yeah,” he agreed. “Sure.”

“I thought that maybe if we went together I’d,” she trailed off.

“Freak out less?” he finished.

“Yeah,” she said softly.

“Okay.” It would be easier for him if someone was with him. 

“Thanks,” Alana seemed a little relieved. 

“She wants to see you,” Evan let her know. 

“I want to see her,” Alana assured him. “I just, can’t do it alone right now.”

“I understand.”

“Can I meet you there in half an hour?” she asked.

“Sure.” He was awake anyway.

“Thank you.”

“You already said that,” he tried to joke.

“Oh.”

“Alana, have you talked to Connor at all?” He couldn’t help asking. 

“Yesterday?” She questioned.

“Yeah,” Evan confirmed. “I left before him, but I meant to check if he was okay.”

But he couldn’t, since him talking to Conor would probably only make things less okay. He’d seen something flash through Connor’s eyes when Connor saw Zoe holding his hand. 

“He wants to be alone,” Alana justified. 

“Right,” Evan nodded even though she couldn’t see him.

“But he’s talking to her, so that’s good,” Alana added.

“Yeah,” Evan agreed with this.

“It’s a lot for him to handle,” she said. 

“I know,” Evan wasn’t making it any easier. 

“He was kinda,” Alana’s voice wavered. “I mean we all were scared, but he had the least amount of hope.”

“He thought she wasn’t going to wake up,” Evan murmured. 

“Not completely,” Alana tried. “But yeah, he kinda did.”

“Then he should be happy.”

“I think he is,” she pressed. “It’s just taking a bit to get to the happy part. He’s not good with happy.”

“Yeah,” Evan breathed. “I hope it’s only that."

But he also didn’t. He was terrible, the hope was terrible, but a part of him couldn’t handle the thought of letting Connor go. What if, some how, Connor understood the truth? What if Connor was happy he wasn’t actually with Zoe? 

“What else would it be?” Alana brought him back to earth.

“I don’t know,” Evan lied. “I gotta get going if I’m gonna meet you on time.”

“Right,” she said. “See you in a bit.

She hung up first. 

* * *

 

They met in the lobby. He could feel her agitation as they made their way to the room. In a way, he was grateful that she wasn’t as calm as she could be. It took the focus off his own fear. 

“I could wait outside,” he suggested when they got to room, not sure if she wanted to talk to Zoe alone.

“Please don’t,” she begged.

“Okay,” he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze before opening the door.

Zoe smiled when she saw him. He watched her eyes travel to Alana. The smile got wider, but there was an emotion other than joy in it. He really didn’t have the right to see any of this. 

“Hey,” he sat down in the chair by the bed. Alana took the one next to him.

“Hi,” Zoe wasn’t looking at him. “Alana.”

“Hi,” Alana was forcing her voice to be bright. 

Evan wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to be nervous, but he didn’t know how.

“I brought these,” she held up the bouquet of purple flowers she was anxiously clutching. “But I guess your mom beat me to that.”

Zoe glanced at the vase of fresh flowers on the nightstand.

“They’re from Connor,” Zoe told them. “He went and bought more last night when we noticed the others were dying. I told him not to.”

“But he doesn’t listen,” Alana finished with a knowing look.

“It’s nice when it’s just about flowers,” Zoe sighed. “I think he just wanted an excuse to get out of this room.”

“That’s Connor,” Alana stated. 

“It’s been a long time,” Zoe’s tone changed.

“I know,” Alana his fingers picked at the hem of her skirt.

“I’m sorry,” Zoe got out before the tears started streaming down her face.

Evan didn’t know what to do, but Alana did. In seconds they were hugging each other. Evan felt like he was intruding, but part of him was glad he got to see this. He’d been worried this wouldn’t happen. 

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry,” Alana told her. 

“You did nothing wrong,” Zoe choked.

“I didn’t talk to you after,” Alana murmured. “I should have talked to you.”

“You gave me so many chances,” Zoe sounded so much like her brother in this moment. 

“And I should have given you one more,” Alana was crying too. 

“Will you?” Zoe asked in a small voice. “Right now, can I have one more chance to not be the worst friend ever?”

“You’re not—”

“No, let me insult myself it makes me feel better,” Zoe said with some humor in her voice. 

“Okay, fine,” Alana pulled back from the hug. “One chance to not be terrible. Deal?”

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. 

“If you want me to step out,” Evan started.

“Why, you watched us both sob before?” Alana dismissed. 

“Right,” Evan guessed she must have assumed he’d seen Zoe cry before. 

“How was the walk here?” Zoe wiped the tears off her face.

“Nice for the most part,” he answered. “It’s a hot day.”

“I hate hot days,” Zoe remarked. 

“I know,” he’d heard her complain about that on a number of occasions. 

“We both do,” Alana smiled. 

“Keep talking,” Zoe told them.

“About the heat?” he asked. 

“Anything,” Zoe answered. Evan realized she was using this to distract herself from crying again.

“The flowers are nice,” Alana commented. 

“Anything but the flowers,” Zoe deadpanned.

“What did you and Connor talk about?” Alana asked.

“The usual stuff,” Zoe shrugged. 

“So yelling?” Alana questioned.

“We don’t yell when there aren’t witnesses.” It wasn’t clear to Evan if Zoe was joking or not. “We actually talked about the two of you a bit. Then he ran out to get flowers and was only back long enough to put them in water.”

“You talked about us?” Evan asked before he could stop himself. 

“Connor said he approves of you,” Zoe informed him with a grin. “God knows what that means.”

“It’s Connor,” Alana shrugged. Evan wondered how many times they said this when they didn’t understand what was motivating Connor. 

“Right,” Zoe sighed.

“He’s been driving me to work,” Evan wasn’t sure why he said this.

“Yeah,” Zoe nodded. “He mentioned he’s gonna do that to me too.”

“Probably every time you try to go anywhere,” Evan jokingly warned.

“Well, I’m not gonna complain about a free ride,” Zoe shrugged. “It’ll be weird, though.”

“You’re both trying,” Alana told her.

“For a whole twelve hours,” Zoe muttered.

“It’s a start,” Alana said warmly.

“I guess,” Zoe shrugged.

“How are your memories?” Alana suddenly asked.

Zoe’s face contorted. Both Evan and Alana tensed.

“Zoe?” Alana’s voice was full of worry. 

“I remember that night,” Zoe whispered. 

“Oh God,” Evan heard his voice utter. 

“It’s actually eerily vivid,” Zoe admitted. “I remember being in the elevator and Evan forgetting his phone and having the run back. Then I was walking out of the building, and I stopped to check something on my phone. I guess, I must have also stopped to wait for you. Then suddenly—”

She cut off.

“You don’t have to,” Alana quickly said. 

Zoe looked at Evan.

“I remember you running at the guy,” she said softly. 

“I was too late,” his voice felt far away. “He just knocked me down.”

“I’m awake,” Zoe said firmly. “You can stop saying that.”

“Yeah,” Alana agreed. “Zoe, did you know Evan and I were acquaintances in high school?”

She was trying to bring the conversation away from anything heavy. Evan could see how the two of them were such close friends. It made even more sense than Alana and Connor. 

“No,” Zoe sounded surprised. “I mean, I don’t think—”

“You didn’t,” Evan quickly added to the lie. “I only remembered when I saw Alana after the incident.”

“I don’t think either of us were much different back then,” Alana admitted. 

“You haven’t changed since the day I met you,” Zoe informed her.

“Yeah,” Alana laughed.

The door opened. Evan knew it was Connor before he turned to see. His luck wouldn’t allow it to be anyone else. Connor seemed surprised to see him and Alana.

“Why are you here this early?” he asked.  

“Why are you?” Alana asked back.

“Because I thought no one would be,” Connor let the door close behind him.

“Sorry I’m so popular,” Zoe joked. 

“Funny,” Connor rolled his eyes. 

It was awkward. Evan was pretty sure this wasn’t just because he was there. He realized Zoe and Connor probably didn’t know how to talk to each other. 

“How was class last night?” Zoe asked him.

“I didn’t fall asleep,” Connor shrugged. 

“Which is Connor code for he did,” Alana commented. 

“Shut up,” Connor rolled his eyes. 

“Did you come here to talk or…” Zoe started. 

“I don’t know,” Connor stated too harshly. 

“Okay,” Zoe muttered. 

“Connor sang to you when you were sleeping,” Evan blurted. 

“What?” Zoe blinked at him.

“Evan,” Connor uttered. 

“Sorry, it’s just,” Evan stammered. He was trying to help.

“You haven’t sang to me since we were kids,” Zoe was smiling at him now. 

Evan could feel the tension defusing.

“I can do it more if you want,” Connor offered a little awkwardly.

“I’d like that,” Zoe told him. “I’m guessing smoke didn’t ruin that voice.”

“I was spared,” Connor grinned.

“Good,” she grinned. “It’s your second best quality.”

“What’s the first?” he raised an eyebrow. 

“Your hair,” she stated. 

“Right,” he rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious,” she informed him. “Some guy’s gonna fall in love with that hair.”

One already had. Evan tried to make his expression as still as he could.

“Funny,” Connor deadpanned again. 

“Didn’t you used to braid it?” Alana asked Zoe.

“Please do not remind me,” Connor groaned.

“You looked good,” Zoe teased. 

“Middle school me made a lot of mistakes. Letting you touch my hair is top on that list.” Connor mock glared. 

“You have a list?” Zoe asked.

“Yes.”

“Oh, I thought it’d be more like a file,” she joked. 

“I think the coma dulled your wit,” he informed her dryly.

“Who says ‘dulled?’” she made a face.

“Shut up,” he rolled his eyes again. 

“Nope,” Zoe beamed. 

Connor sighed. 

“I walked in on something, didn’t I?” he asked Alana.

“No, not really,” she answered 

“Yeah, that’s a lie,” he called out. 

“Busted,” Zoe laughed. 

“I’m gonna run down the cafeteria,” he told her. “You want anything?”

“Chocolate,” she answered. 

“I meant food,” he muttered.

“You’re not mom,” she pouted. 

“I’ll come with you,” Evan blurted, standing up. He glanced at Alana. “So you guys can catch up without me eaves dropping.”

“Thanks,” Zoe smiled at him.

Evan followed Connor out of the room and down the hall. Connor didn’t look at him. If he wanted to, he could cut the tension with a butter knife.

“They told me about the amnesia,” Connor only broke the silence when they reached the elevator. 

“Oh,” Evan’s eyes traced his fingers. 

“I’m sorry,” he sounded like he meant it. “That really sucks.”

“Maybe it’s for the best,” Evan mumbled before he could stop himself.

“What?” Connor’s gaze turned to him now.

“I mean,” Evan quickly backpedaled. “You’re the one who said she loved someone else. So, maybe it’s better if we just move on.”

“You’re seriously going to give up just like that?” Connor questioned.

“What’s the point if it’s just a lie?” Evan asked back. 

For a second, Connor just stared at him.

“You’re a coward,” he finally declared. 

“Sure,” Evan murmured.

“I’m not joking, Evan,” he said sharply.

“How am I a coward, then?” Evan asked. 

“Because you’re supposed to fucking fight for her,” he exclaimed. “That’s what you do when you love someone. If you don’t think you have them then you convince them to want you. That’s what love is.”

It took a second for Connor to hear his own words. Evan realized he could recognize the hypocrisy in them.

“Would you fight for a lie?” Evan asked softly. Connor couldn’t know how loaded a question was.

“If I could, yeah,” Connor didn’t hesitate. “I’d die for it. But I can’t so—”

“I’m sorry,” Evan wanted to say more.

“You think they’re killing each other yet?” Connor asked in a lighter tone. 

“They apologized when we got there,” Evan told him.

“Yeah, but did that involve talking?” Connor questioned.

“Yes?” Evan didn’t understand what he meant.

“Never mind,” Connor shook his head. “Trust me, they need to clear some shit up.”

“That’s good that they want to,” Evan stated. 

“It is,” Connor agreed. 

“Zoe said you bought more flowers,” Evan kept the conversation going.

“I panicked,” Connor shrugged. 

“That’s a smooth panic,” Evan commented.

“The universe owes me,” Connor stated. 

“Right,” Evan nodded. 

“Are you actually gonna eat anything?” Connor questioned.

“No,” Evan admitted. 

“Me neither,” Connor confessed. “Let’s just find a vending machine. I’m not feeling like talking to people today.”

“Okay,” Evan agreed. 

It didn’t take long to fine one and get the chocolate Zoe requested. The spent the next twenty minutes wanders through the hospital corridors. They didn’t want to interrupt whatever Zoe and Alana needed to talk about by returning too quickly. 

“It’s awkward now, isn’t it?” Connor said under his breath.

“What?” Evan glanced at him.

“Nothing,” he shook his head.

When Connor decided it was time to go back to the room, Evan didn’t argue. It was clear that Zoe and Alana had been crying, but when they got there both of them were laughing about something. Evan took this as a good sign. After giving Zoe the candy, Connor said that he needed to leave if he was going to get to class on time. Alana decided to go with him.

“I could leave to,” Evan told Zoe as the door closed. “If you want to rest.”

“I’m not tired anymore,” she shrugged. 

“Okay,” he nodded.

“Do you wanna play a card game?” She asked suddenly. “One of the nurses gave me a deck, and I’ll probably die of boredom if you go.”

“Sure,” he nodded again. 

“Good,” she grabbed the deck from the bedside table. “Just don’t go easy on me.”

“I won’t,” he agreed. 

“It’s weird that you get along with Connor,” she commented as she pulled the cards out of the box. 

“Oh.”

“I’m glad,” she added brightly. “He, well, he doesn’t like a lot of people that I’ve brought home.”

“He didn’t like me at first,” Evan admitted. 

“He takes a bit to warm up to people,” she let him know. “He’s like a cat.”

Evan laughed.

“I’ll be dealer,” she told him, then smirked. “Now prepare to die.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He needed to get out. It had gone too far already. He couldn’t handle seeing Zoe again. She grinned when they were playing cards, and told him about how Connor used to always cheat. She looked at him like she was the one who had let him down by not remembering something that wasn’t even real. 
> 
> He couldn’t see that look again. It would kill him.
> 
> Without fully realizing what he was doing, Evan’s hands were dialing a phone number that had become too familiar too quickly.
> 
> “Evan?” Connor’s confused voice picked up almost instantly.
> 
> “Can you come over?” Evan could hear how unsteady his voice was. He didn’t care.

The next morning Evan woke up not being able to breath. He felt tormented. Only vaguely, did he register that his fears from the night before (for every night before) hadn’t left him during sleep.

He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take watching Zoe laugh, or Alana cry, or Connor avoid his gaze. They all thought that they knew him, and that he was a part of them but he wasn’t. Not really. 

He needed to get out. It had gone too far already. He couldn’t handle seeing Zoe again. She grinned when they were playing cards, and told him about how Connor used to always cheat. She looked at him like she was the one who had let him down by not remembering something that wasn’t even real. 

He couldn’t see that look again. It would kill him.

Without fully realizing what he was doing, Evan’s hands were dialing a phone number that had become too familiar too quickly.

“Evan?” Connor’s confused voice picked up almost instantly.

“Can you come over?” Evan could hear how unsteady his voice was. He didn’t care.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Connor started. 

“Please, I just need to talk to you,” he couldn’t breath but he could force the words out. “I promise it’s not—”

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Connor sounded worried. 

Evan wasn’t used to the idea of Connor worrying about him. He latched onto it. He needed to hold onto something, and the hope that Connor cared and would keep caring felt like a life line.

“I’m sorry,” he sputtered.

“What’s going on?” Connor asked. 

“I can’t,” he choked out. “I just—I need to tell someone.”

If he didn’t it would kill him. It wanted to kill him. He probably deserved for it to kill him. 

“Evan, you’re freaking me out,” Connor told him. 

“Please, just come here,” Evan begged.

He heard Connor exhale. 

“Okay,” he agreed. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thanks,” Evan meant this. 

“Make yourself tea,” Connor instructed. 

“That doesn’t—”

“Please?” Connor sounded more scared than Evan was. 

“Okay,” he agreed.

“I’ll see you in a bit.” Then Connor hung up.

Evan dragged himself to the kitchen and started boiling water. Most of his teas weren’t caffeinated, so that would probably help him be a little less jittery. It could only do so much. 

Part of him was already regretting calling Connor. He was so terrified to tell him anything. The other half of him was more relieved than he could explain, and only feared that he wouldn’t be able to get the words out when Connor arrived. 

Silently, Evan made the tea and sipped at it. He wanted to down it, wanted it to burn his mouth and throat. Instead he held the mug steady. He was going to be as calm as he could when Connor came. He didn’t want to scare him.

There was a knocking on his door ten minutes later. Evan didn’t restrain himself from running to it. He had very little composure left.

“Hey,” Connor took a step toward him when the door opened. 

“Thanks for coming,” Evan tried to breath.

“You look like shit,” Connor let him know.

“I know,” he murmured. 

“I’m serious, do you feel sick?” Connor’s hands hovered over him. He still didn’t want to touch him.

“No,” Evan shook his head. “It’s not that.”

“Okay, let’s sit down,” Connor decided. 

Evan walked to his couch and sank into it. Connor sat next to him. This was too reminiscent of two days ago. Evan could hardly believe it had only been two days. 

“Before I,” his voice was shaky. “A lot of this is going to sound bad.”

“It’s okay,” Connor grabbed his hand. Evan thought he was going to explode, because he’d believed that Connor would never let himself be that close to Evan ever again. 

“It’s not, but,” Evan stopped himself. “I need to ask you something first.”

“Okay?” Connor looked at him expectantly. 

“When you said you loved me,” he started. 

“Evan,” Connor paled. 

“Did you mean it?” Evan finished. 

“I can’t,” Connor stammered. 

“Connor,” Evan squeezed the hand he was holding. 

“You know how rash I get,” Connor rambled. “I swear I thought it was a good idea at the time. Or, maybe I knew it wasn’t, but I just couldn’t stop myself from talking.”

“I’m not mad,” Evan made his voice as assuring as he could. “I understand, I just need to know.”

Connor closed his eyes. 

“Yeah,” he murmured. “I meant it. I still mean it.”

Evan took this in. He let himself hold onto it, but refused to let it stop him from continuing. 

“I need to tell you something,” his voice felt dry. “You’re not gonna like it, but I need you not to talk until I’m done, because I don’t think I can get through it if you do.”

“Okay,” Connor nodded.

It was Evan’s turn to close his eyes. And then it all came out in a fluid jumble. 

First trying to save Zoe, then waking up, then being pushed into her hospital room. He babbled about not being able to speak, and Connor’s family hugging him, and not knowing what to say once his voice wasn’t clogged. He admitted to trying and failing to tell Alana, and being so scared when he knew Connor could see through him, and apologizing to sleeping Zoe every time he saw her. 

He only opened his eyes when he was done, because letting it out only made the knot of fear over his head tighten. Tentatively, he blinked up at Connor. 

Connor looked like Evan had just slapped him. Evan was glad he hadn’t let himself look until now. Seeing his face would have stopped the words from coming. It would driven him back into the lie.

With little warning, the numb silence erupted into a rage.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Connor demanded.

Evan felt the world crash around him right there. He’d known this would happen, he’d told himself it would so many times. Still, some stupid little bit of him had held onto the hope that somehow Connor would understand—that Connor loved him too much to hate him.

“My fucking God,” Connor was standing up. That was better than yelling in Evan’s face, but it put his spiraling anger on full display.

“I’m sorry,” Evan knew Connor couldn’t hear him. 

“I knew it,” Connor rambled to himself. “I fucking knew it, but then Alana said that you had no reason to—”

He glanced down at Evan. Never in his life had Evan received such a disgusted look. It made him want to shrivel up and disappear. 

“I can’t believe I let myself,” Connor continued bitterly. “This is just perfect. Of course the only time I’m actually able to fucking feel something is when—”

The disgust morphed back into a burning rage. 

“It’s funny,” Connor said darkly. “It really is.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone,” Evan was able to get the words out of his throat before it tempted to close in on itself.

“That’s fucking rich, Hansen,” Connor spat.

“I wanted to tell you,” he heard himself blubber. “But I couldn’t.”

“Why?” Connor took a step closer to him. “Because you thought I’d fucking hit you or something?”

“No,” Evan shrank back.

“Still a shit liar,” Connor caught himself. “Actually, no, I guess you’re an incredible one.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan hadn’t realized he’d started crying until the tears were blurring his vision. 

“Of course you are,” Connor didn't believe him. Connor would never believe anything he said ever again. 

“I’m going to tell Zoe and Alana, and then I’ll leave, okay?” Evan promised. “You won’t have to see me again.”

Connor let out a humorless laugh. 

“How much did you consider just staying with her?” he demanded. 

“I wouldn’t,” Evan stammered. 

“She thinks she has amnesia,” Connor shook his head. “You could have played it off.”

“I—”

He should have said something when Zoe woke up. No, he should have said something when the mistake was first made. He may not have met Connor, but not knowing Connor was better than Connor hating him. He hadn’t realized how much Connor hating him made him wish he was dead.

“You were fucking playing it off yesterday,” Connor aggressively reminded him.

“I was always going to tell her,” Evan wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince Connor or himself. 

“Right,” Connor scoffed.

“I wouldn’t make her stay with me,” Evan said firmly “That would be wrong.”

“Oh, only that’s wrong?” Connor snapped. 

“I know everything I’ve done has been awful,” Evan told him. 

“Yeah,” Connor agreed with narrowed eyes. 

“But I’m ending it now,” Evan stressed. “It’s not fair to her.”

“It’s what you wanted,” Connor dismissed. 

“I’m in love with you, why would I want that?” Evan shouted back..

Then he froze.

“Oh God,” he wasn’t supposed to tell Connor that. Not now, Not ever.

“That’s not funny,” Connor’s anger was defusing, it was melting into something else. 

“It’s not a joke,” Evan uttered. He was stuck, but he might as well stick to the truth now. What good would taking it back do?

“Don’t,” Connor looked like he was going to start crying. That was the last thing Evan wanted. 

“Connor,” Evan stood up from the couch. 

He was done trying to hide inside himself. It didn’t make Connor any less upset with him. Slowly he crossed the distance to Connor. He watched Connor close his eyes, take a shaky breath. He didn’t step back. 

“I’m still the same person you said you loved,” Evan whispered. 

Connor opened his eyes. They weren’t soft. 

“I said that before you happened to mention that everything you told me has all been one big fucking lie,” his voice was full of resentment. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that,” he spat, pushing Evan backwards and running for the door. 

Once again, Evan didn’t try to follow. 

He let himself fall back onto his couch. He pulled his knees to his chest, and buried his head in his arms. He didn’t try to stop the sobs that ruthlessly shook him. There wasn’t any point. 

What had he expected? Connor wouldn’t forget everything Evan had done wrong just because Evan felt the same way. Connor deserved so much better than Evan. They all did. 

No, he realized that it didn’t matter that he’d tried to help everyone. He’d done it through deceit, and being able to console them didn’t make the lying okay. 

Now Connor would tell everyone the truth. Evan couldn’t blame him for that, he’d do the same if he were in Connor’s shoes. Connor was protective, and now Evan was a threat once again. Every good thing Evan had done was unraveling.

If he could go back in time, he would have stopped all of this.

No, that was a lie.

Connor hated him. He wished he didn’t love Connor, because that would make the burning in his heart go away. Connor now was better of without him. But the Connor he’d helped when Zoe was still asleep had needed him.

Maybe Evan was selfish for thinking so, but he knew that no one else would have saved Connor from sobbing in his room when he was scared Zoe wouldn’t wake up. No one else, would have gone with him to visit her. Sure, Connor had Alana, and he knew they supported each other, but he didn’t know how to go to her when he was desperate. 

Evan felt broken—no, he felt beyond repair. He didn’t know it was possible to care about someone this much. 

Still, even through the pain, he couldn’t regret all of it. 

And he was still weak, so he’d hold onto the memory of Connor’s smiling. He wouldn’t forget hearing Connor sing, or laughing with him, or the feel of his hair.

Or kissing him. 

Evan knew it was awful, but he’d hold onto that. It was all he had left. That, a broken heart, and the knowledge that he’d broken Connor’s as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't kill me....


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s wrong?” Zoe asked. 
> 
> “I,” he didn’t know where to start. 
> 
> “You look like someone punched you,” she let him know.
> 
> “I do?” his throat felt dry.
> 
> “Evan, sit down,” she gestured to the chair. “What happened?”
> 
> “I’m so sorry,” he blurted. This wasn’t going to be any easier than telling Connor had been.

An hour later Evan was able to pick himself up. He wanted to stay on his couch wallowing in everything for the rest of the day, but he knew that he had to keep moving forward at least for a little bit longer.

He needed to tell Zoe. If he didn’t soon, Connor would. It would be better for her to hear it from him. Or, at least it would make him feel like a little less of a coward. If she was going to get angry, at least she would be able to shoot the messenger. Not that Evan thought she would, but he couldn’t be the reason for more tension between the two of them. He’d caused enough harm already. 

Groggily he forced himself out of his apartment. It wasn’t a long walk to the hospital, he’d done it many times in the past few weeks. This time the distance felt so much father. He felt weighed down. 

By the time he made it he was exhausted. He wished that meant he was too tired for his nerves go grab hold of him again, but they were persistent. When he got to Zoe’s room he was shaking again.

“Hey!” she was excited when he opened the door. She was sitting up in the bed. She looked so lively. Were it not for what he was about to say, this would have made Evan smile. 

He waved in response, he couldn’t trust his voice just yet.

“Guess what?” she didn’t wait for a reply. “I’m getting discharged later today! I can finally stop dying of boredom.”

“That’s great,” he stated. 

“Not that my apartment’s much better, but this room is really depressing,” she sighed. 

“Yeah,” he agreed. 

She stopped babbling to look at him. He knew that his expression wasn’t doing a good job of hiding anything. That was okay, it was better that he just got to the point anyway. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. 

“I,” he didn’t know where to start. 

“You look like someone punched you,” she let him know.

“I do?” his throat felt dry.

“Evan, sit down,” she gestured to the chair. “What happened?”

“I’m so sorry,” he blurted. This wasn’t going to be any easier than telling Connor had been. 

At least now he already knew what it felt like to be yelled at about it. He could face Zoe being angry, disgusted, or looking down right manipulated. He didn’t have the option of backing out anymore. 

“I don’t understand,” Zoe put her hand on his knee.

“You’re going to hate me, but it’s okay, you should,” he stammered. 

“Evan, calm down,” she looked worried. It reminded him of the look Connor had before he told him. 

It didn’t come out any more graceful than it had the first time. He was a little more shaken, but a little less fearful. He’d live through Connor’s reaction, he knew Zoe’s wouldn’t kill him. He tried his best not to make excuses for himself, because he knew that Zoe wouldn’t appreciate it. When he finished, she was just as silent as Connor had been.

“So, if you want to slap me or something you can,” he told her. 

“You know,” she slowly shook her head. “You really shouldn’t have gone along with it in the first place.”

“I know,” he agreed, then chanced looking up at her. “You’re not shouting.”

Suddenly, Zoe exploded into a laugh. It wasn’t at all like the joyless laugh he’d witnessed Connor give earlier. It wasn’t mocking either. Zoe was genuinely laughing and Evan had no idea why.

“Zoe?” he tried to bring her back to focus. 

“Thank God,” she spoke through giggles. 

“I don’t understand,” he tried to tell her. 

She didn’t answer until her torso stopped shaking from amusement. Evan had never seen her laugh this much. Were the situation any different, he would have been proud he could make her look this gleeful. Now he was just confused. 

“Evan, I’m gay,” she said when she could finally speak.

“Oh,” Evan was pretty sure his expression was the definition of dumbfounded. “Oh!”

“Yeah,” she grinned.

Evan felt himself nodding. Suddenly every conversation he’d had with Connor about Zoe made sense. No wonder Connor hadn’t believed him at first, he must have known that Zoe wouldn’t actually say yes to any guy. And now he knew why Connor had insisted that Zoe couldn’t love him. She honestly couldn’t, he must have thought that she was either lying to herself or to Evan. 

Evan wanted to laugh too, but most of him still felt incapable of laughter. 

“God, I thought that I was stringing you along because I was too fucking scared to say that to anyone,” Zoe explained. 

She looked relieved. She wasn’t the liar, Evan was. Evan had just told her that he’d lied to her and her family and she still didn’t look angry in the slightest.

“Why aren’t you mad?” he asked. “That doesn’t change what I did.”

Zoe regarded him thoughtfully. 

“Maybe its different since you didn’t really lie to me that much,” she shrugged. 

“But I made you think—”

“Evan, at the end of the day you still saved my life,” she said seriously. 

“That doesn’t excuse—”

“I think it does,” her voice was stone. “I’d much rather you have lied because of a mix up that wasn’t really your fault to begin with, than have died that day.”

“I could have saved you and not lied,” he said meekly.

“You could have,” she allowed. “But that’s not what happened.”

“I don’t—”

“You got Alana to talk to me,” her voice was softer now. 

“She would have anyway,” he brushed off. He knew how much Alana had needed to make things right with Zoe. She would have done it with or without his help. 

“You got Connor to sing at my bedside,” Zoe reminded him. “He wouldn’t have done that on his own, Evan. I know him, he wouldn’t have.”

He couldn’t argue with that. Connor hadn’t wanted to go to her alone, but he wasn’t able to do it with his family either. Evan had already decided he wasn’t going to dismiss the good he’d done Connor, whether or not the bad outweighed it.

“I,” he didn’t know what to say. “I can’t really believe this.”

“Look,” a sad expression crossed Zoe’s face. “I’ve spent a lot of my life being mad at a lot of people who cared about me. I’m sick of it. And it’s scary to think I might have died still being mad. I just want to live happily, so calm down, okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded, but couldn’t hold a smile. “But you shouldn’t want anything to do with me.”

“I’m the one who gets to decide that,” she informed him. “But, maybe the others might react like that. If you want, we could just tell them that we’ve decided to be friends instead.”

“You don’t have to,” he tried.

“I owe you,” she decided. “This is my way of getting even.”

“It won’t work,” he stated.

Would if have been better if he told her first? He could have won Connor by keeping the truth hidden. But then he’d have to lie to him for the rest of his life. Evan would like to think he was too good of a person to do that, but was he? 

“Evan,” Zoe’s voice broke through his thoughts.

“I’m sorry,” he swallowed. 

“You look like you’re going to throw up,” she pointed out. 

“I already told Connor,” he breathed. 

“Shit,” Zoe said slowly. “That wasn’t a good idea, he freaks out a lot.”

“I know, but I had to tell someone,” Evan exclaimed in his defense. “And I just thought that maybe somehow he’d understand.”

Or he thought that he could trust Connor not to scream at him. Or, maybe he was counting on the fact that Connor was in love with him. He assumed that this meant Connor couldn’t hate him. 

“Evan?” Zoe was giving him an odd look.

“Yeah?” he glanced at her.

“Do you have feelings for my brother?”

He’s not sure he can breath. Scratch that, he knows he can’t right now.

There were so many ways to answer this question. Yes, he had feelings for Connor, but, no, that was to simple of a way to describe it. He loved Connor. He wasn’t over exaggerating, or wanting something that he knew he couldn’t have. 

Everything seemed okay when Connor was holding his hand, even if Connor was the one saying that the entire world was out to get them. Because when Evan was with Connor he felt strong. If Connor needed him to, he could protect him. He’d never felt needed like that before.

He nodded.

Zoe’s expression morphed into melancholy. 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly.

“I couldn’t just keep lying to him,” Evan told her

“Do you think he," she pursed her lips. “You know, felt the same way before you told him?”

Emphasis on ‘before.’ Zoe knew that Connor wouldn’t care about Evan now. 

“Yeah,” Evan was able to utter. “He, kinda kissed me.”

“He what?” Zoe gaped at him. 

Evan realized that maybe he shouldn’t have told her that. After all, whether it was real or not, as far as Connor knew Evan was going to marry Zoe. Therefore, he still kinda made a move on Zoe’s fiancé while she was in a coma, and that made it sound so much worse than it actually was. 

“He didn’t mean to,” Evan blurted. “It was my fault!”

“I’m not mad,” her lips were turned up in a slightly amused grin.

“Before you woke up he told me you were in love with someone else,” Evan added as an explanation.

“Oh,” the grin faltered. 

“Then when I asked him why he’d side with me over you, he,” Evan didn’t finished. 

“Geez,” Zoe sounded mildly impressed. Evan wasn’t sure why.

“Are you?” he asked. 

“Hmm?” she blinked at him.

“In love with someone?” he clarified. 

“Yeah,” she looked at her hands. “I am.”

“I’m sorry,” he told her. 

“It’s not a bad thing,” she brushed off, but he could tell that there wasn’t just joy around this fact. “I can recognize that now.”

“Are you going to tell her?” he wondered. 

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I think I am.” 

“I’m happy for you,” he meant this. He wanted her to be happy. Then maybe one good thing would have come from all of this. 

“Thanks,” her expression changed. “Evan, you don’t have to tell my parents and Alana the truth.”

“But Connor—”

“Is probably heart broken,” she finished for him. “He’s not going to tell anyone, he’s just going to close in on himself.”

“I don’t want that,” Evan felt like his own heart had been soaked in poison. 

“I know.”

“I want to come clean,” he told her. “If that’s okay with you.”

“You think it’ll make you feel better?” she asked. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But you guys won’t have to deal with me afterwards.”

“If that’s what you want,” she agreed with a hint of reluctance.

“It is,” he confirmed. 

“I’ll help,” she told him.

“You don’t have to.” He wanted her to understand that she really didn’t owe him anything. 

“You should have one person on your side,” she said warmly. 

“Thanks,” he didn’t deserve this. 

“I’ll have them over for breakfast tomorrow and you can tell them,” she decided. 

“Okay,” he agreed.

“You might want to bring someone as a get away car,” she added. 

He nodded. He could ask Jared. Given the situation, Jared would probably want to come, at least to witness everything.

“Would you rather me not say anything?” he asked. “If you’re trying to pretend that—”

“I’m not gay?” she finished. 

“Yeah,” he didn’t have a better way to word it. 

“I think I’ll come clean too,” she grinned, but Evan could tell that there was something under it. “We can do it together.”

“Okay.”

“This probably doesn’t help,” she said slowly. “But I think you’d be good for Connor.”

Evan tried very hard not to think about how he’d want to hear Zoe say that under a different circumstance. 

“He won’t want to see me again,” Evan knew this. 

“He hasn’t admitted to finding someone attractive since his first year of college,” Zoe murmured. 

“Oh.” Evan hated that this made him feel special.

“And even that was mainly just sexual,” she admitted, then seemed to realize what she was saying. “Which you probably didn’t want to know.”

“It’s okay,” he replied. 

“I didn’t want to know either,” she told him. “But he kept talking to Alana about it in my presence.”

Evan laughed. 

“He really liked someone in high school,” she said thoughtfully. “But that was back before he knew how to ask people out. Actually it was kinda creepy, he just watched the kid from a distance.”

“That, um, that was me,” he blurted.

“What?” Zoe stared at him.

“I had no idea,” Evan quickly explained. “He told me the other day.”

“Wow,” Zoe shook her head. “It’s like you’re soulmates or something.”

“How?” Evan gaped at her. 

“Meeting again over impossible circumstances,” she explained, bewildered expression still on her face. 

“I lied to him,” Evan reminded her. 

“I’m a shitty sister for encouraging this,” she groaned. 

“You’re not,” he said quickly.

“It’s just weird that he opened up to you,” she sighed. “He doesn’t do that to people.

And Evan had betrayed that trust.

“He deserves better,” Evan knew this.

“You’re a good guy,” Zoe told him. “You just made a stupid mistake.”

He stood up from the chair. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he told her. 

She gave him the sad smile again.

“Good luck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, realistically she would not be discharged this early. However, for sake of plot I am looking over this.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So, we kinda wanted you guys to all be here because there’s something that Evan and I need to tell you,” she glanced at Evan and then at her parents. “But before he says it, I want everyone to know that I’m not upset, so no one else should be.”
> 
> Evan heard Connor scoff, but refused to give into the urge to look at him. 
> 
> Jared kicked Evan’s foot under the table. Zoe's eyes darted to him. He was supposed to speak now.
> 
> “We’re not actually engaged.” It came out too fast, and more than a little jumbled. Then his mouth clamped shut, and wouldn’t let him say more. There was more he had to say, especially before they started yelling.

“They’ll be here in half an hour,” Zoe announced. She looked as nervous as Evan felt.

“Okay,” he nodded. It was very hard not to pace Zoe’s kitchen, but he was pretty sure that would only make him more on edge. 

Him and Jared, who had agreed to come for moral support and to help him escape if needed, had just arrived. Zoe was sitting on her kitchen counter. Evan was pretty sure that she should be in bed, considering she was still recovering from head trauma, but neither of them wanted to postpone the inevitable.

“Unless Alana shows up early,” Zoe suddenly realized. 

“Right,” he nodded again.

“She probably will,” Zoe hummed. “Make that fifteen minutes.”

“Okay.” Maybe it would be better just to get it over with. 

“You guys have a game plan or…?” Jared trailed off, looking back and forth between the two of them.

“Not really,” Evan admitted.

“It’ll be easy,” Zoe said confidently. “Or, at least the talking part will be easy.”

“That’s not reassuring,” Jared informed her.

“Trying to be realistic,” she shrugged.  

“Right,” Jared drew out the word. Both Evan and Zoe ignored him.

“So I can start,” Zoe volunteered. 

“Okay,” Evan agreed without hesitation. “Yeah that’s probably better.”

“I’ll tell them that I’m not upset, or angry,” she started. “Because it was really just a big misunderstanding.”

“Bit of a stretch,” Jared let her know.

“Shut up,” Zoe silenced him.

“Okay, okay,” he made a big show of rolling his eyes. Evan paid some attention to this, but the attempted humor didn’t make him feel any better. 

“So you’ll say you’re not mad?” he prompted Zoe. 

“And no one else should be,” she nodded. 

“Okay.”

“And then you can tell them that we’re not actually engaged,” she added. 

“Okay.”

“And then he runs for his life,” Jared deadpanned.

“You’re really not helping,” Zoe told him dryly.

Jared shrugged. 

“How are you going to say your thing?” Evan asked her. It took a second for her to realize what he meant. They had agreed they’d tell the truth together. 

“I’m not really sure yet,” her fingers rubbed the hem of her jeans. “I’m going to gage it. Is that okay?”

Evan would rather her tell him exactly what she was going to say and how she was going to say it. But that wasn’t for him to ask of her. If it was easier for her to just run with it, he’d let her. 

“Yeah,” he confirmed quickly. “Yeah, it’s fine.”

Evan was terrified, but he was doing his best to hide it. The knot in his stomach only got worse when the Murphy’s started arriving. As Zoe predicted, Alana was first. That made things a little bit easier, since she had no problem chattering about nothing for the ten minutes it took Larry and Cynthia to arrive.

It was harder to be calm around them. They kept smiling at him and Zoe. It made it hard to not shout that truth then and there, while at the same time made him want to sink into the floor so he’d never have to explain to them that they shouldn’t smile at him.

Connor was five minutes late. For the first minute, Evan began hoping that he wouldn’t show up. It hurt to think that Connor storming out of his apartment would be his last memory of him, but Evan wasn’t sure he’d be able to get through what he needed to say while knowing that Connor was glaring at him. 

When Connor did stumble in, he felt his whole body tense. Connor’s eyes found him first. He looked like he wanted to beat Evan up, and Evan couldn’t even blame him. But, instead of charging toward him, Connor walked to Alana and started talking to her about something trivial. 

Zoe decided to serve breakfast not long after Connor got there. She waited until everyone was sitting down with a plate of untouched food in front of them before she began. At first, Evan wasn’t sure he would be able to hear her over the sound of his heart hammering. 

“So, we kinda wanted you guys to all be here because there’s something that Evan and I need to tell you,” she glanced at Evan and then at her parents. “But before he says it, I want everyone to know that I’m not upset, so no one else should be.”

Evan heard Connor scoff, but refused to give into the urge to look at him. 

Jared kicked Evan’s foot under the table. Zoe's eyes darted to him. He was supposed to speak now.

“We’re not actually engaged.” It came out too fast, and more than a little jumbled. Then his mouth clamped shut, and wouldn’t let him say more. There was more he had to say, especially before they started yelling. 

“What does that mean?” Cynthia asked. Evan didn’t expect to be met with confusion. He watched her look to her daughter. “Of course you’re engaged, Evan’s clearly in love with you.”

Connor laughed. It made Evan flinch. He still kept his gaze rooted away. 

“What is wrong with you today?” he heard Larry question Connor.

“Everything,” Connor muttered. 

“We’re not,” Evan’s voice permitted him to speak now. “This was all just a misunderstanding.”

“Wait,” it was Alana’s turn to glanced back and forth between Evan and Zoe. “What?”

“We’re not getting married,” Zoe reiterated. Evan had a feeling she was only speaking to get the attention away from him for a second.

“Well, maybe that’s for the better for the time being,” Cynthia said in a knowing voice. “You’re both very young, and sometimes you need love to feel free for a few years.”

“That’s not,” Evan stammered.

“No one here would know love if it slapped them in the face,” Connor said darkly.

“Connor, shut up,” Larry said harshly.

“I’m just—”

“You’re just trying to ruin this for your sister,” he cut him off. 

“Can you please try to get along?” Cynthia asked Connor in a disappointed tone. 

“That’s not what’s fucking happening,” Connor raised his voice.

“Language,” Larry scolded as if he was talking to a teenager. 

“Connor’s right.” Evan heard his voice suddenly exclaim. “I mean, not about everything he just said, but—”

“We’re not in love,” Zoe simplified. 

“What?” Alana looked shocked.

“Honey,” Cynthia’s voice was full of patients. “Just because the past few days have been a lot—”

“You’re not listening to her,” Connor interrupted. 

“Connor, stop,” she silenced him. 

“But you _aren’t_ listening,” Zoe argued. 

“What do you meant you’re not engaged?” Alana asked again. 

“I’m in love with someone else!” Zoe shouted. 

Everyone went silent. Zoe closed her eyes, took a breath, then turned to Alana.

A lot of things suddenly made a lot of sense.

“I,” her voice wasn’t as smooth as it had been a second ago. “I was scared and confused, and I know I messed up a year ago. But I was always going to come back, once I realized what everything meant. I didn’t handle it well, I know I didn’t. But I keep thinking what if I died and—”

She choked on her words, but didn’t stop. Alana watched her with entranced eyes that seemed like they didn’t quiet believe what they were seeing.

“Alana, I don’t want to lose you,” Zoe whispered. 

“Oh my god,” Alana covered her mouth with her hand, but Evan could tell her was smiling.

Jared decided to let out a low, impressed whistle. Evan elbowed him under the table. Zoe turned to her parents. 

“Evan saved my life,” she told them. “And because of that I’m never going to hold the mistakes he made against him. And I am grateful that I’m not dead and all, but we don’t actually know each other that well.”

“I’m sorry,” Evan got out.

“You’re saying you don’t even know each other?” Larry questioned slowly.

“Not really,” Zoe said quickly. “We’re friends.” 

“We’re acquaintances,” Evan said softly.

“I considered us friends,” she informed him. 

“I was just at the right place at the right time,” he tried to explain. “Or wrong time, considering I couldn’t actually stop the person who attacked you.”

They were all looking at him now. He had to say everything now. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t get it out. 

“I didn’t mean for any of you to think,” he stuttered, “but then you already did and I couldn’t just say that I wasn’t—”

His eyes unconsciously met Connor’s. He realized that, no matter how he tried to justify himself, Connor was never going to believe him. So why did he have to justify it? It’s not like he had anything left to lose. 

He took a breath.

“I kept telling myself it was because I didn’t want you guys to think she was alone,” his throat threatened to close, but he couldn’t stop now. “And I didn’t, and I wanted to help everyone, but I guess the real reason is that I never had a family like this. And I know, it’s not all perfect, but sometimes it feels like for my whole life it’s been just me. I’ve never had a friend who tried to calm me down and I never got to be that for anyone else.”

The eyes that he was sure would be trying to wear into him, soften slightly. 

“I didn’t know how to leave,” Evan finished. “But I am now.”

After that, everything was engulfed by a jumbled haze. The first thing that Evan’s consciousness let him focus on was Alana, who looked overjoyed but had tears in her eyes. Then he took in Cynthia and Larry’s expressions. They weren’t happy. Actually, they both looked mortified and a little betrayed. 

After his speech, Jared had tried to pull him out of the room, but Evan’s feet refused to let him leave his seat. In the back of his mind, he made a note to thank Jared for at least trying. 

Suddenly Larry was demanding why on earth Evan let them think he was going to marry Zoe in the first place. Evan had tried to answer, but it was hard to explain the nurse assuming and then him not being able to correct. Through his jumbled apologies, he could tell that nothing he said mattered. 

Zoe’s parents hated him. That was okay. It was only fair.  

He was in the middle of trying to stammer that sometimes he just can’t talk, and he hadn’t been able to when they were hugging him that night. Then Alana stood up from her chair. 

“Why does it even matter?” she asked in a strong voice. “He told her the truth when she woke up. If anyone had the right to be upset, it’s her, and she’s not.”

“Alana,” Larry tried, but she didn’t let him continue. She pointed at him and Connor.

“You two talked to each other without yelling for the first time since,” her brow furrowed. “Since I don’t even know when. Does that not count anymore?”

“That doesn’t mean—” Connor started. 

“Look me in the eye and tell me he didn’t help you,” she demanded. “Tell me that he didn’t make something okay again. It’s not his fault we ambushed him in the hospital and made him too scared to tell the truth.”

“We didn’t—” Cynthia stammered. 

“Yes we did,” Alana pressed. 

“I still should have—” Evan spoke up.

“Yeah, but you didn’t,” her words echoed Zoe’s the day before. “And it’s okay, right?”

Her gaze traveled to Zoe. 

“It is,” Zoe nodded.

“I love you,” Alana said to her. 

“I—” Zoe’s eyes widened. 

“Fuck,” Alana covered her mouth again. “Is that too much?”

“No.”

Then Zoe was standing too. Her arms flew around Alana, and Evan wasn’t sure if he should look away while they kissed.

Despite the feeling that by looking he was intruding on something that should just belong to Alana and Zoe, Evan had to admit this was the most beautiful thing he’d ever witnessed. They both looked so happy, and knowing that they were going to be okay made everything a little bit easier to bare. 

That was when all hell broke loose. 

Cynthia started crying, and asking why Zoe never told her any of this. This seemed to stun Alana, who hadn’t let go of Zoe. Larry recovered from a stunned silence to ask if they were sure. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Zoe asked back. Evan could hear offense in her voice. 

“You two have been such good friends for so long,” Cynthia explained for him. “Do you really want to risk ruining that?”

“What were you saying before about free love?” Zoe sounded exasperated. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” her mother told her. 

“This is why I couldn't tell you,” Zoe looked like she wanted to break something. 

“Everyone just shut the fuck up,” Connor was staring up now. 

“Connor,” Larry tried, but Connor didn’t sit back down. 

“They make sense,” he nearly shouted. 

Evan watched a smile slowly form on Zoe’s face. 

“I could see it since she first brought her home and forced me to spend time with them,” Connor’s voice softened slightly. “If you can’t then maybe you’re not as good of parents as you seem to think you are.”

“I never said—”

“I know,” he cut his mother off with a pained expression. “I’m not saying that you’re terrible, but maybe everyone should stop fucking expecting everyone to act a certain way. We don’t know each other. That’s the only reason Evan’s lies worked. It’s actually really fucking sad.”

Then next thing Evan knew, Connor had hold of his arm and was hauling him out of the room. Evan hadn’t realized how strong Connor was. He supposed that should have scared him, but it was hard to feel anything coherent after everything that had just happened. 

Evan only realized that Jared was following them, when they reached the door and Evan was being yanked out of Connor’s grasp. 

“Back off, Kleinman,” Connor regarded Jared with an annoyed expression. “I’m not gonna hurt him.”

He looked back at Evan. Emotions came back into focus. 

“You should get out of here,” he said in a tone softer than Evan thought he’d allow him. “It’s gonna get a lot worse, and you probably don’t wanna see that.”

“Okay,” Evan nodded.

He waited for Connor to turn away, but he didn’t.

“Alana’s wrong about one thing,” his eyes didn’t leave Evan’s. “Zoe’s not the only one who has the right to be mad.”

Evan felt like the air was being sucked out of his lungs. 

“I know,” he murmured. 

“I can’t say it’s okay,” Connor told him.

That hurt. Evan had thought it was impossible for anything Connor said to hurt worse than he day before. He was wrong. 

“I know.”

“I need to go,” he glanced behind him. “If I don’t see you again—well, you know.”

Then Connor disappeared back into the other room, and Evan was being pulled out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One chapter more


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d only just gotten home on a Friday night when he heard a knock on his door. Jared usually texted before showing up, and there wasn’t anyone else who would come to his apartment especially at night. 
> 
> Evan didn’t want to answer. He waited a few minutes, wondering if whoever it was would give up and leave. 
> 
> “Hansen?” a voice he was never going to forget called from the other side. 
> 
> First Evan was frozen. He didn’t believe this was real.

A week later Evan was okay. 

Alana texted him a little after he’d been dragged out of breakfast a week ago. She’d confirmed that, yes, Connor was right in thinking that things would only get more hectic. However, in the long run that hadn’t completely been a bad thing. 

In the midst of emotions, almost everyone ended up voicing things they hadn’t meant to. But once the shouting was over, they realized that what Connor said about the lying was correct. They didn’t know each other as well as they should, and they all wanted to change that. In a way, they owed that to Evan. 

Alana also told him that, while she wasn’t about to say this in front of the others, she wasn’t happy he’d lied to her. Still, she stood by what she said a knew that she hadn’t made it easy to tell the truth. She wanted to make it clear that they were parting as friends.

At first Evan assumed that this meant that even though she wasn’t angry she still wanted him out of her life. However, she explained that her and Zoe were actually planning on moving out of state within the next month. 

It was meant to be different than how Zoe had left the first time. They still planned to see Zoe’s parents and Connor regularly, but had both decided that distance was a good idea. There were a handful of colleges in the area they were trying to find an apartment in, and Zoe was already starting her application process for the next semester. It hadn’t taken much convincing for her to decide that she wanted to continue her education and find something she would enjoy doing with her life. Alana’s job was going to let her transfer to an office near there as well. 

Everything seemed like it was going to work out for them.

Evan was still working at his old job. Zoe hadn’t returned after she woke up. It was more boring without her, but he’d decided he was right in wanting to save up money before going back to school. 

After Jared had dropped him off the day he’d come clean, Evan had called his mother and explained the past few weeks to her. They both cried, but it made him feel better. She promised that she’d try to get a weekend off soon and drive over to him. He looked forward to that. 

He wanted to show her that everything that happened hadn’t killed him. 

Seven days wasn’t enough to erase memories. That was alright. He didn’t want to forget. He felt like he’d learned from most of it. In a way, the Murphy’s had put him back on his feet. 

It was hard not to dwell on what ifs. He kept imagining what may have happened if he’d been able to become friends with Zoe, and she hadn’t gotten hurt. He wondered if he’d have been able to help her without lying, and met Connor without being under a false pretense. 

He liked to think about meeting Connor differently. He tried not to, since returning to reality afterward hurt like hell, but it was easy to get lost in the thought of Connor. It kept him from thinking about the last thing Connor had said to him. 

Evan took the bus home from work. He didn’t like walking home at night anymore. It meant that he’d get home a little later than usual, since the bus he took had a handful of other stops. Jared called it counterproductive, but at least Evan felt a little safer. 

He’d only just gotten home on a Friday night when he heard a knock on his door. Jared usually texted before showing up, and there wasn’t anyone else who would come to his apartment especially at night. 

Evan didn’t want to answer. He waited a few minutes, wondering if whoever it was would give up and leave. 

“Hansen?” a voice he was never going to forget called from the other side. 

First Evan was frozen. He didn’t believe this was real. 

“I know you’re in there,” the voice called again. 

Then Evan sprung into action, running to the door and throwing it open. 

There was Connor. 

Connor was standing on his doorstep, with his hands in his pockets and a slightly embarrassed expression. Evan had to be dreaming.

“Can I come in?” he asked hesitantly. “I promise I’m not going to yell.”

Were Evan not in shock he would have joked about the amount of times Connor had said that to him. But, since Evan was in fact stunned, he merely nodded and took a step back. 

Connor waited until Evan closed the door behind him before launching into a ramble.

“I’ve been thinking about everything,” Connor started, accidentally backing Evan into the door in his frantic need to voice all of his thoughts. “And I’m not going to say I was overreacting, because Zoe’s my sister and I have to be that protective. It’s the only part of my job as her brother that I don’t fuck up.”

“What?” Evan stammered. He felt the his back hit the door, but Connor didn’t seem to notice. 

“But you have no idea how many mistakes I’ve made,” Connor went on at full speed. “Holding on to a grudge would just make me a hypocrite and hurt both of us.”

“What are you saying?” Evan’s voice came out louder this time. It seemed to bring Connor back to focus. 

“You remember when you came to my place?” Connor asked him.

Evan nodded.

“When you told me things that Zoe said about me, was that true?” Connor was staring intently into his eyes.

“You know it wasn’t,” Evan felt his hands grip the hem of his shirt. 

“That’s not what I mean,” Connor said quickly. “I know she didn’t tell you any of it. I’m asking if it was true for you.”

Evan had told Connor the reason that he loved him that day. Saying that had made him realize it was love. He’d meant every word.

He nodded again. 

Connor exhaled. An expression that Evan dared to call hopeful crossed his face. 

“What you said about your anxiety, back when we got pancakes and visited Zoe, that was true too?” he questioned.

“Painfully so,” Evan confirmed. 

“And when we joked about high school with Alana?” his voice was getting less hesitant.

“Yeah.”

“And when you get way too excited about trees?” A smile was forming on his lips.

“I’m not too excited,” Evan mumbled.

“You said Zoe liked my singing voice,” Connor remembered. “You said it was beautiful, that it made people feel like they weren’t alone.”

“It does,” Evan could feel his heart beat quickening. “It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“So, everything you said that had nothing to do with Zoe, ” Connor’s voice wavered. “All of that was true?”

“Yes.”

Suddenly Connor’s arms had hold of Evan’s shirt and he was being pushed against the door. Connor seemed to melt into him, his chest and legs pressing into Evan in a jumbled rush. Their lips met in a movement that wasn’t exactly graceful. Evan’s eyes widen, he was too stunned to move. For a moment none of it felt real. 

Connor’s hands moved to his hair. His breath seemed to pull Evan’s away, but Evan didn’t mind in the slightest. This kiss was deeper. He could feel the longing Connor had built up exploding and swirling into him. 

Evan closed his eyes. Every thought he’d let himself be tormented by was washed away by Connor. He felt Connor’s shirt against his hands. He tasted Connor as his mouth was engulfed by him. He let himself relax into Connor. If this moment was all he had left, he’d be happy.

Then Connor was pulling back. Evan saw fear flash in his eyes, and realized how unresponsive he’d been while Connor had practically poured himself into him.

“Is this okay?” Connor asked in a small voice.

Evan’s throat closed up. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t tell Connor that it was so much more than okay. 

So instead he dove into Connor’s arms, letting Connor stumble to catch him. Unfortunately, said catch wasn’t very smooth, and sent them both tumbling onto Evan’s floor.

Evan landed on top of Connor’s chest, not very smoothly. He opened his mouth to apologize, but was cut off by Connor breaking into a laugh the shook the both of them. He wrapped his arms around Evan, pulling him as close as he could. 

Evan felt the warmth of Connor’s breath dance across his face. Slowly, he moved his hands to Connor’s face, smoothing his hair off of his forehead. Gently, Evan pushed their lips together again. This time Connor let him lead. Evan took his time. He wanted to remember this. He wanted to hold onto the moment where the impossible was his. 

Connor’s skin was smooth. Evan’s fingers traced his face as he deepened the kiss. He felt shy compared to Connor’s assertive lunge at him. He took in each detail, savoring them the way one would a last meal.

He discovered Connor’s lips weren’t very smooth, that made sense, Evan had noticed before that Connor seemed constantly dehydrated. The rest of his mouth was soft. It held the warmth Connor only selectively displayed. 

Evan remember Zoe saying that most of Connor’s attempted at relationships had purely been sexual. Did that mean that Evan was the first to kiss Connor slowly? That made him grin into Connor’s mouth. He wanted to be the only one who’d caressed his hair and softly cupped his cheek.

When their lips finally parted it was only because Evan was out of breath. His head slipped onto Connor’s chest. In the back of his mind, he knew that they should probably get off of the floor, but he wasn’t ready to end the moment yet.

“You’re scared,” Connor breathed into his hair.

Evan looked up at him. His eyes held sadness, but Evan could tell that wasn’t the only emotion.

“You’re memorizing me, because you think this isn’t going to happen again.” It hurt Connor to say this, Evan could tell.

“I’m sorry,” he didn’t want to lie and say Connor was wrong. He couldn’t lie to Connor ever again.

“You said you loved me,” Connor’s voice broke.

Evan’s eyes widened. Connor didn’t understand why he was scared. 

“I meant it,” his fingers brushed Connor’s cheek.

“Then why?” Connor questioned. 

“I hurt you,” Evan murmured. “You shouldn’t want me anymore.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you,” Connor whispered. 

“You were upset,” Evan defended him. “You had every right to be.”

“I know, but I didn’t even try to understand,” Connor’s eyes shone with fought back tears.

“You don’t have to,” Evan tried to dismiss. 

“Yes I do,” Connor hands clutched the back of Evan’s shirt. “I’m not mad at you, and I’m not going anywhere. I told you, I know what it’s like to make mistakes and have everyone around you think it’s your fault. Only—”

Fear crossed Connor’s face.

“Only I was the only one who said it was your fault,” he murmured. “Wasn’t I?”

“Connor,” Evan wanted to kiss him again. He wanted everything to be okay. 

“I forgive you,” Connor told him steadily. 

“Thank you,” he breathed. 

“Will you forgive me for screaming?” Connor asked. 

“I already did,” Evan confessed. 

“Then can you kiss me without being afraid?” he looked more hopeful than Evan had ever seen him.

“I think so,” Evan nodded. 

Then Connor pulled him down again. 

Evan smiled into the kiss. He stopped trying to take in every detail, and instead just followed Connor’s lead. He tangled one of his hands in Connor’s hair. Zoe was right, Connor’s hair could make a boy fall in love with him. Connor’s hands ran up and down his back, Evan let himself get lost in the movement. 

“We should get off the floor,” Evan commented when they had to stop to breath again.

“Yeah,” Connor made no effort to move.

“What made you want to forgive me?” Evan asked softly.

“Aside from you deserving it?” Connor questioned.

“Yeah,” Evan wouldn’t argue that today. 

“I love you,” Connor said simply. 

Evan would never get used to Connor saying those words to him. That was fine. It meant he could hear it a thousand times and it would still sound just as wonderful.

“And I realized Zoe and Alana are right to move forward,” Connor mused. “I want to do that too.”

“Yeah,” Evan nodded into his chest. 

“The only catch is, I’m not going to move forward without you,” he smiled.

“I love you too,” Evan brushed his fingers across Connor’s face. “I’ll move forward with you.”

“Good,” Connor held him tightly. “Because I’m not gonna be a coward.”

“And this isn’t a lie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, there it is. I can't thank everyone who's been commenting enough (seriously, it's amazing that you guys take the time to write out your thoughts and even more amazing to hear them)!

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to stray a lot from the movie, partly because the characters would make different choices, and partly because what's the point in me writing a whole novel length fic of a story we already know? 
> 
> Thanks for reading the first chapter! Comments make me happy


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